Hi Leander, here's my novel :
I can sympathize with your situation Leander .
Early 30?s, married five years, no kids.
I DA?d myself last year, she is still a rabid JW.
Many of the reasons you mentioned I can relate to:
- LARGEST issue is with children, we both would like to raise kids
- our goals and viewpoints are no longer unified
- do some traveling, attended college
- noticing other women besides your wife beyond a level that is healthy for a married man
- my own soul is being chipped away when I reflect on the fact that if I stay I forfeit many of my dreams
I think most of the above reasons can be summarized with:
?I want to pursue life on my own terms and be able to share that with someone on an intellectual, physical and emotional level.?
You are restricted in what you can do because of the WTS. It sounds like you are not DF?d or DA?d?
Since I am DA?d, I can do what I want within the confines of our marriage vows without direct repercussions from the WTS. So I have taken up Martial Arts, attended the Apostafest in TX, read whatever material I want, watch R-rated movies, and hang out with ?worldly? people.
It is invigorating to be able to experience these things now without the WTS holding a hammer over my head. But it is frustrating not being able to share these new experiences with my wife. She doesn?t want to even hear about any of the things that I am doing.
And this is the crux of the matter. I can do what I want and I can hang out with my wife and do ?fun? things with her. But we are living two separate lives. We are roommates who can?t even talk about anything more peripheral than work, the cats, or the weather.
We spent the day together last weekend. Had a spectacular breakfast downtown. Walked through shops and bought some things. Hung out at the lakefront. But I was ready to go home and call it a day because it was just an ?empty? day. There was nothing substantive we could discuss. It was all fluff.
The defining moment of that day for both of us came early afternoon after we had this wonderful breakfast and Mimosa?s together. We were walking down this hopping street where there is a lot of activity going on with people eating and drinking in outdoor café?s. As we were walking, we both noticed 10?-0? from us an old friend of mine drinking a Bloody Mary. She is like a sister to me, and her brother & I were both in each other?s weddings. Problem is, she is DF?d, so my wife wouldn?t talk to her. I stopped and talked to her for a minute, then my wife & I left to go into a shop. As we walked away, my wife said that she appreciated that this DF?d person didn?t try to engage her in conversation, but that seeing her on our day together only served as a reminder of how different our lives really are now.
In the past we have talked about separation and divorce. We have both talked to lawyers in the past. She even decided to move out of the house when I went to the Dallas Apostafest. She went through the effort of putting all of her stuff in boxes before I left Friday morning. But when I returned Monday, she was still living at home. Part of me was glad she didn?t leave, but my initial reaction was disappointment that she didn?t leave because I was now in for another round of living a pseudo life.
The above reaction was only highlighted to me yesterday when she asked if we could get away for a weeks vacation in the near future. My initial gut reaction was that I didn?t want to spend that amount of time with her. What could we do or say during that time that could be intellectually stimulating or emotionally relaxing that wouldn?t serve as a reminder of how different we are now?
I guess now my love seems to be moving more inline with what an older brother would have for a younger sister than as actual husband and wife peers. I can, without reservation, see her happy without me years down the road in the WTS with another man who is an elder and with her Reg Pio?ing and little JW clone kids. I can see myself happy by myself going to college and having a whole new set of friends. Then me moving on to have a wife who is intellectually stimulating, is well traveled and had a well-rounded education. Then raising children who strive to see good in all people and have compassion for all people regardless of religion, nationality or creed.
Biscous said to follow your heart. Big Tex told me that many months ago. Its simple but sage advice and I think of it constantly.
At times I think that the transition is what is truly frightening, plus the thought of hurting someone who you do genuinely love. Even if that love has morphed from the love a husband and wife share to a love that is akin to a close family member.
I love you. I love you and feel that we should cordially move on with our lives so both of us can be happier. Love conquers all, but what do I want love to conquer? To rescue her from the WTS? Even if she came out of the WTS, would she change in the same direction as I, or would she go another route, say as a fundamental Christian [nothing wrong with that belief system, but not what I will pursue for me and my future kids] and then her wanting to raise our kids with that belief system? There are really no guarantees, even if she was no longer a JW. A person changing is intrinsic to being human.
Love is an essential element in a marriage, without a doubt, but this doesn?t mean that it?s the only necessary element. More is needed to make a marriage a happy and successful one IMO.
Now that we are not JW?s, my life is viewed as limited on this planet, so I have to make this go-around the best that it can be. There is no second chance, & each day is cherished. Any days that are consciously spent in an unhappy environment therefore is a wasted days.
Not an easy position for sure. I think that I understand your situation Leander.
BTW, for those that picked out the mention of relations with other women, I feel that this was jumping the gun. Leander certainly cited many reasons, and the one some chose to focus on was not what he said was his biggest reason, or was even a specific reason for leaving and moving on. It was just cited as one of the experiences that were not allowed to him growing up as a JW, and therefore he pondered it.
IMHO, this claim waged against him seemed to miss his point altogether. The overall desire is to experience life on his own terms. He now thinks about the cake that he was never allowed to experience as a JW. He wants to have the cake [children with a common goal orientated woman, his CITED BIGGEST REASON] that is now out of the question for him and his wife. Other flavors of cake, like college, movies or extreme sports are now available as well. Just because he gives mention to one flavor of cake, say Devil?s Food :-) [other women] doesn?t mean that this is his overall reason for leaving. It?s just part of the laundry list of things that were off limits before, and even now some are still off limits as a married man.
Of course it is good to mention that if one were leaving a marriage just for the sake of another woman, than there is a high likelihood years later down the road of looking back and realizing that one threw away a good thing, a wife that truly loved him.
You?ve got mail Leander
