Why cannot some people say the words..."I love you".

by gumby 44 Replies latest jw friends

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  gumby

  No.....I'm not gittin all mushy and stuff.......but I want to know WHY.

  During a visit with my sis, we discussed how some have trouble expressing affection with love to the ones closest to them such as spouses, parents, or children. About a week or so later, I talk to a friend I used to work with and he's telling me of how he and his wife are like strangers. I asked him if he made her feel loved. I asked him if he ever bought her things and told her he loves her. He said he needed to work on that.

  A few days later, he came by and we talked again. He said, "you gave me some good advise but was asking him to do alot". I asked him what he meant. He said he could give his wife something but couldn't tell her he loved her. I asked him if he ever tells his kids he loves them. He said no. I asked him if he ever hugs them. He said rarely and that when he hugged.....even his own daughter, he hugged " loosely", never like "some people do" he said. (He meant a good tight warm embrace with feeling) He said " you would have to know my parents....their not like that". This guy is 54.

  I told him he had a deep deep problem and he needed to find out WHY he cannot express love to those he loves, perhaps with some counciling. I couldn't tell him why for sure because I do not know why. My guess was a fear. I said, "my guess is you fear rejection because you were hurt somehow, and by you not showing love serves as a protecton for you that it won't happen again". (I'm always trying to figure crap out.)

  Anyone have any clues as to why many cannot show affection when we know they truely DO love their families? If I suggested something wrong, Id like to tell him so.

  Gumby
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  Nosferatu

  I know I cannot show any affection toward my parents. In fact, I hate it when they show it toward me. The thought of either of them touching me disgusts me. Hearing the words "I love you" coming out of their mouths disgusts me.

  However, I can easily show affection toward my fiance, and I tell her that I love her often.
• 

  Lehaa

  Love is a huge thing. I know i find it hard to say it, apart from to my kids.

  I think it's because we don't want to feel rejected, or to make the person that were saying it to to feel that they have to say it back.

  He said " you would have to know my parents....their not like that". This guy is 54.

  This guy needs to stop blamimg his parents for him actions. My fathers parents were very reseved emotionaly. We refer to them as "emotionally constipated". He never wanted to be like that with us and forced himself to show emotions. He is still not an emotional person but at least he tried and we recognised that. He still tells me he loves me all the time and i am now 30.

  I think it just comes down to fear.

  We all just need to learn that we all have one life to live.

  On our death bed is too late to tell those close to us how we feel.

  Love you.
• 

  ohiocowboy

  I think the rejection theory would win-hands down.

  Personally though, it bothers me to no end when someone says "I love you", and does not show it by their actions. It seems as though sometimes it becomes rhetoric when people say it on a regular basis, knowing in fact that they really do not feel that way at all, or do not really think about what those words imply. For example, when someone sneezes, one automatically says "Bless you", and usually is just a reflex of words, it automatically comes out, no thought to it, just a polite thing to say. So too, the words "I love you" become automatic.

  I personally, would rather not hear it at all, unless someone truly meant it, and displayed their love and affection in other ways too.
• 

  Nosferatu

  So too, the words "I love you" become automatic.

  I agree 100% with this statement, and I learned the hard way that this happens. Saying it too much causes it to lose it's meaning. I notice that the automatic response to this is "I love you too". I don't always respond with that. Sometimes I'll say something different like "I know". Sometimes I'll just say "I love you" out of the blue.
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  talesin

  When we are taught to suppress our emotions as children, it takes work to learn how to express them as adults. We may have learned at a young age to ignore and stifle our natural loving urges. These behaviours do not magically disappear because we want them to. They need to be unlearned, and replaced with new ones.

  For some, it is as simple as that.

  Others have had life experiences that forced them, as children, to put up a physical and/or emotional wall of protection. It worked for them then, for it was a survival technique. However, as adults, it is emotionally crippling. It prevents them from showing affection both physically (hugs, for example), and verbally. It could be fear of being physically or emotionally attacked when one shows love, or fear of that expression of love being rejected. Fear, after all, is the enemy of love.

  As with most things, I think the answers to your question are both varied and complex.

  I think you gave him some good advice, Gumbro.
• 

  notperfectyet

  I say it all the time, and I hope I show it.

  If someone doesn't agree with me, then I say kiss my A**

  It's all in how someone takes it, if they have a problem with someone saying I love you, their problem. Don't interpet how others mean it, mean what you say.

  If I say it to you, it is special.

  Just my two cents, do I get change?

  Farkel, are you listening?????????
• 

  gumby

  If someone doesn't agree with me, then I say kiss my A**

  NPY,

  Don't you EVER ask me another question!

  Talesin, that was quite the answer. It made sense to me. It is awful though how some cannot move past the fear of being different. These ones are robbing themselves of letting others show them love. They suffer, and those they love suffer. Excellent way you worded that.

  Gumby
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  notperfectyet

  So children being taught manners doesn't matter when someone sneezes and they say "Bless you" and you know they don't mean it?

  People have to be taught to show love and affection, and for the ones who were never taught it or leaned it they wont accept it?

  Am I getting this right? Love is an action word, if you say it and don't show it, any moron would understand that.

  But a Mother or Father who showed it by taking care of you, sticking up for you, that is a whole different thing, even if they couldn't say it.

  But a parent who abused you while saying this is because I love you is a whole different story.

  I use the word "love" lightly, but I love alot, and I take it seriously.
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  xenawarrior

  love is a verb