Why cannot some people say the words..."I love you". (page 4)

Sunnygal41

(Wiping the tears from my eyes at what Special K wrote!)

That was beautiful, SK!! You are truly a "special" lady!

P.S. I totally agree with what you wrote and do the same thing!

Terri

Nosferatu

This topic got me thinking a little bit about my situation. Not exactly sure what has caused me to hate hearing those words from my parents, but here's a couple of ideas:

The WTS teaches that discipline is a form of love. In some ways, maybe it is. My mother used to tell me that all the time. However, I fail to see how physical abuse constitutes as "love".

My father used the words as a form of control.

gumby

Sentinel,

That was very touching to read.....a little girl who wants her daddy's affection and it isn't there from him. Made me teary eyed again.

Special K,

Yes, I agree kids need to hear they are loved by their parents...they need hugged and to FEEL love

I'm not sure which is worse...to be told you are loved but never shown it......or to be shown love but never told you are loved. I would think the former, although both are bad.

Nos,

I remember you saying your dad didn't show affection and was abusive, but I don't remember what you said about your mom. Was she that way also? And dude........here's a big brotherly hug from me.

{ {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Gumby

It's not unlike being mistreated by a book and magazine sales corporation that uses all the warm fuzzy words. You get turned off by the rhetoric and can't stand the extablished terminology that goes along with being part of the "system". I've seen the term "I love you" used to manipulate so much, I cringe when I hear it. don't use it much myself as it conjurs up concern that others may feel I'm being a hypocrite..

just my $0.13 worth

GentlyFeral

Alternate theory: admitting love will trap you. If you love someone, you'll be at their beck and call forever and your horizons will be fenced in, you'll never be able to ~~fall in love with~~ love anyone else.

And what if love dies? Love is supposed to be forever. Once you say "I love you" you'll never be able to walk away, even if someday "I love you" is a lie. It's possible to shy away from "I love you" if it seems like a promise you can't keep.

GentlyFeral
speculating on real life

talesin

Ter,

I have a question for Dr. Love (i.e. Tal ) How does projection fit into this area of life? I'm just a bit confused by that whole concept. If we are projecting our own "shadow" onto another, is that saying what we are seeing in that other person really isn't valid, i.e. the guy isn't an ***hole, you are! ????

Hey, I like that much better than Spock. Makes me feel all warm and tingly. Tks! Mwah! :D

Yes, this is one of the crucial concepts, and takes a bit to wrap one's head around. At least, it has taken real work for me to get there. I think it's an ongoing process. : )

Here's how I feel when being around/in a self-destructive person/situation. And probably how others have felt around me at certain times in my life.

"It's like being in a pool next to someone who is panicking, and they are flailing around. Am I going to stay there, and let them drag me down with them? Will I join them in their panic? Or will I swim away now, and throw them whatever lifeline I can find? How long will I last before my strength runs out?"

Here's the method to my madness, ie. my inner dialogue, :D

It is important to realize that we can never really know what is going on inside another's head, unless they are willing and able to tell us. We can only take them at face value.

Yes, s/he may be acting like an a$$hole, but that is not who or what they are.

Unloving behaviours can be a reflection of many things. The person may be truly unloving.

Then again, they may just not know how to show/give or receive love. They may have learned that loving behaviour is a precursor to abuse. They may be pushing folks away with their behaviour, and are driven by a fear of intimacy. They may be protecting themselves from being hurt, ie, "I'll hurt you before you hurt me". They may be so unaccustomed to being touched [in a loving fashion] that their bodies are just a mass of tense muscles, and they are afraid to relax into a loving hug. (I can relate, in one way or another, to all of the above.) Or a myriad of other reasons.

Most times, when people act in this way, they have not planned to do it to us. They are just doing it and we happen to be the one 'in the path of the storm', so to speak. It matters not whether we are there, they would still have the same behaviours.

Once we get to this understanding, the projection stops. We can look in the mirror and see our own behaviours for what they are. From this point, comes forgiveness of one's self, and the realization that I may be reacting to life in an unhealthy way and I am ready to change.

Then, as a natural progression, we stop judging the behaviours as who that person is, and see them as a reflection of how they are reacting to life's journey.

Now, the onus is put back on you and I. We have depersonalized their behaviours, and are no longer judging or labelling them.

In other words, we can now step outside the box and be more dispassionate about the person who is acting in an unloving fashion. We can then try to communicate how we feel about the way they are treating us, but it is up to them to decide if they wish to examine their behaviours and reactions to life.

At this point, the decision can be made as to whether we wish to continue sharing our lives/space with them, or not.

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: This does not apply to children. This is adult reasoning. It is our responsibility as adults to ensure that they are protected, loved and nurtured at all times.

Special K. Special K. ; D

t

(of the "my WP is disabled, and I hope this essay goes thru 'cause I can't save it in my Notebook, either" class)

gumby

Yes, s/he may be acting like an a$$hole, but that is not who or what they are.
Unloving behaviours can be a reflection of many things. The person may be truly unloving.
Then again, they may just not know how to show/give or receive love.

Very true. If we all knew how others truely felt....it would change how we feel about them......for the good or bad.

Many families and relationships have been lost because of not knowing WHO the person truely is......because that person has alluded them with false identity of who they are, because of a fear.

Gumby

DanTheMan

I keep sending letters to Catherine Zeta-Jones telling her how much I love her and how we are meant for each other, but she won't respond. Why is that? I can't understand why she keeps ignoring me. I know where she lives, and I plan on visiting there in two weeks. She has to know how much I love her. How can she keep avoiding me like this? Doesn't she know she's breaking my heart? It hurts me so bad.

Puternut

My parents never told me they loved me. It was something that was only shown by actions, rather than words. So when I grew up and people told me they loved me, I was under the impression, they were IN love with me. It took me a while to get the concept straight.

I personally have no problem telling someone I love them. But out of concern, as to how the other person may take it, I tell them: Love ya, rather than; Love you. Unless we have the understanding that it's OK to tell them otherwise, without being IN love with them. But I know that among most men, they think it's a sissy kinda thing to do. But I will tell people how I feel about them, if I have affection ( in a friendship kind of way) for them.

Love ya,

Puternut

gumby

Seriously......it's hard to believe that so many here have not been told by their parents that they are loved. Are the words..."I love you son/daughter", that damn hard to say......especially to a child?

Gumby

Why cannot some people say the words..."I love you".

Sunnygal41

Nosferatu

gumby

Carmel

GentlyFeral

talesin

gumby

DanTheMan

Puternut

gumby

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