Hi Ciara,
I can certainly relate to your feelings. How bout this....I was never baptised a JW. Nope, I just took to heart that they had the truth and I was not worthy of God's approval. Over 20 years I beat myself up mentally because I couldn't adjust my life to the Orgs rules and regulations. How messed up is that?
I plain and simply felt the JWs were God's people. And, I was destined to die at Armageddon because I was dirt. I didn't even care, as long as God cleared his name. Instead of fighting to find the truth about the 'truth', I sucummed to their theologies. And, as a result, I lived in depression for many years. I started to come out of this way of thinking about a year ago. All I can say is when it happened it was like a flood of understanding. I don't read their literature anymore, or care about anything they have to say. (I'm talking about the society, not the individuals).
Anyway, I also felt like a fool. A bafoon for not taking my own interest in the Bible and, making my personal relationship with God just that. Personal. I feel like I'm actually getting my life back now. That I am allowed to control myself, trust in my own reading and understanding of the Bible, and God dosen't hate, or disaprove of me for doing so.
Duped. Violated. Mislead. Anger. Bitterness. Hopelessness. There are alot of feelings we each go through on the road to recovery. Hang in there. Time can heal alot of wounds. And, remember....You are not alone in your feelings. The WTS has the problems. Not you.
Morgan