creativhoney - I've been there, too. It's interesting that you question whether there is something in our upbringing that makes us pushovers and forgiving of unworthy people. I think there is something in the JW mentality, particularly if you are female. I stuck it out in an abusive relationship for a long time because I believed (with the counsel of the elders) that it was my role as a wife and mother to be subservient and that my mate might eventually "see the truth" through me. My daughters all have trouble finding healthy relationships as well, and I do think it is rooted in JW thinking where women are undervalued and made to feel guilty if they stand up for themselves. There is also the thinking that you must define yourself through your role as a good wife and mother - so we keep subjecting ourselves to bad relationships because we believe it is the right and normal thing to do - to not be in a relationship and instead be strong and independent is contrary to JW tenets that keep women in their place.
mamochan13
JoinedPosts by mamochan13
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26
finding support
by notewe instill a newbie!
first post i have ever made.
but realizing i need to move on....and for the first time in my life admitting i need support (have always been the "strong" one).
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mamochan13
notewe - I'm in your area and will pm you my phone number if you want to talk. However, there are so many wonderful people on this board living all over the place who are ready and willing to provide support - you don't necessarily need someone physically close.
so much of what you say resonates with me, because i, too, am an overacheiver and defined myself by the roles I tried to play as an exemplary JW, pioneer, etc. When I discovered that the elders really considered me an unimportant nothing, someone who was not even worthy of teaching my own children (during the period I was DF'd), it was devastating.
Moving on withoiut support of family and friends is difficult, but there are strategies that can help. For me, going back to university and opening my mind was an essential step. Getting involved in a project that is meaningful personally is something I think helps almost everyone. I did speak to a number of non-JW counsellors and therapists, but this involved explaining my background as a JW and why I was so consumed with guilt - then facing their shock and horror usually made things much worse. Talking to people like those here on this board, who have been there and understand, is really helpful.
Getting out and staying out has been the best thing I've ever done for myself and my children, so it is worth the struggle.
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57
Right to Die Issue Terminally Ill, Hopelessly Paralized, Etc..What Are Your Thoughts?
by frankiespeakin infirst off let me say this is not about me, i'm happy and healthy.
it really about all the suffering i see people going thru.
examples in my family over the years have caused me to think very seriously this.. i could give you a couple of examples and i'm sure some of our posters can tell other horror stories they'd witnessed where perhaps it would have been much better for them and their family if they could have passed away painlessly and with much more dignity.. one of my sisters developed breast cancer and died after about a 12month struggle, we saw her waste away to just skin and bones, it was hard on me as well as her two young children and husband.
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mamochan13
Having once been in a situation where I was on a respirator and helpless to communicate when being mistreated by a nurse, I strongly feel that if I were hopelessly paralized I'd want the right to die option. I saw my own grandfather beg for death when paralyzed by a stroke yet forced to remain alive year after year in a hospital with no quality of life.
I do think, however, that Jeff brings up a good point. How the decision is carried out and by whom is a big part of it. If I'm still lucid and in control of my mind I want to be the one who decides when to pull the plug. But I may not be in control. So who do I want making the decision? Do I put that burden on my children? Do I want some bureaucrat, judge, politician, doctor, nurse deciding for me?
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mamochan13
The happy squeals of my grandchildren as they opened their presents. Time spent playing with them today putting together all the lego pieces.
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Since Leaving The "Truth" Is Your Life Better?
by minimus inyou are told that if you "go back to the vomit" of the world, you will be miserable.. is your life better or worse since you've removed yourself from the organization's hold?.
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mamochan13
I can think for myself. No one tells me what to do. I love it.
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THE WITCHTOWER 12/2009: Who is Able to Stand Before "the Ancient of Days?"
by processor inthe december 2009 issue of the witchtower is available for download now.. .
who is able to stand before the ancient of days?
how does the prophecy from daniel 7 fulfill right before our eyes?.
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mamochan13
Excellent satire. Spot on.
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What's Your Favorite Christmas Song?
by sacolton inmine is "silent night".
never get tired of listening to that one..
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mamochan13
A few I really like:
Feliz Navidad (Can't stop singing it!)
Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Etta james also does a killer version, Manhattan Transfer, too)
I'll be home for Christmas (Elvis)
The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an open fire).
Please Come Home for Christmas
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"Life comes at you pretty fast.....
by oompa in...if you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.
" -ferris bueller.
life has been coming at oompa really fast lately....super highs...worried middles....painful lows.
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mamochan13
oompa - you've had a rough time of it. life does get better. Doesn't always slow down, but it does become more manageable.
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29
Do you ever actually tell your family you're not coming back? What do I do?
by stillAwitness ini've been "inactive"for four years now.
i am quite proud of myself for making it this far since i moved out on my own at 22 for the first time.
i've remained in school, try to live a balanced and productive life and still drive home to visit my parents at least once a month (they live 45 minutes outside of the city) luckily, my parents and i still remain close (as much as a baptized inactive child and still fanatic jw parents are able to be) and besides my mom's constant pestering about me attending meetings again and coming back to the troof, i haven't had to much stress from them or the elders.
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mamochan13
OnTheWayOut, I agree with you. I also "really feel for those that know "the truth" about the religion and still attend meetings." It's such a hard place to be. One of my daughters' friends does this. She's actually ended up DFd several times as a result.
it's a situation that varies from family to family. Stilla - sounds like you're family is still willing to be reasonable. So many aren't.
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Do you ever actually tell your family you're not coming back? What do I do?
by stillAwitness ini've been "inactive"for four years now.
i am quite proud of myself for making it this far since i moved out on my own at 22 for the first time.
i've remained in school, try to live a balanced and productive life and still drive home to visit my parents at least once a month (they live 45 minutes outside of the city) luckily, my parents and i still remain close (as much as a baptized inactive child and still fanatic jw parents are able to be) and besides my mom's constant pestering about me attending meetings again and coming back to the troof, i haven't had to much stress from them or the elders.
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mamochan13
I've told my mom that I'm not ever coming back. But my situation is perhaps easier because I've been out so long that I don't think there's any danger of being DFd for apostasy. In telling her I was not coming back, my hope was that she would ease up on the constant pressure to return to meetings, etc. and maybe be more accepting of developing a relationship with me and my daughters based on who we are now, not on who she would like us to be.
Unfortunately, she really never will give up. We got "deeply hurt" emails from her when we put up a political sign on the lawn. The grandkids were all excited and talking about costumes for Halloween, so we got "deeply concerned" emails from her begging us not to give our children to Satan. Now she's starting in on the grandchildren - they always come home from visits full of JW "facts".
However, I think it's important to remember that for JWs, particularly for parents who love you, they will never accept that you are not coming back. They will always hold out hope and they will never give up trying to get you back. I try to see things from my mom's perspective because I know that in her eyes my daughters and I are doomed to death. She wants so very much that we will be there in her "new system" living forever with her and she truly believes that every problem we have would be solved if we returned.
My being firm on the "never coming back" has helped a bit, I think, in that we have some ground rules for our new and slowly redeveloping relationship. I also try to avoid any lengthy debates on the why or wherefores. Not only does it make no difference in her view, I don't like to give her any opportunities to "count time" for debating with me. My line is "We no longer believe what you believe but we are still good, moral people worthy of your love and respect". "We are active in our community and we are trying to make a difference in the world because we believe there is far more good out there than evil."
I've found that I also have to be very careful to never open the door even a tiny bit. She begged us to come to this year's big convention. My daughters and I talked about whether we should go to a session to maybe make her happy, or perhaps just out of curiosity. But we came to the conclusion that attending even one meeting would open the floodgates. My mother would start believing that it was just the first step and that we were all on the road to return, and then she would start to bombard us again with propaganda. So, no. We all have to stand firm and never give her even the smallest hope that we might change our minds.