in my world, death is the end of conscious existence, forever. which is a heavy thought for me.
Heavy, yes. To me, the thought of there being nothing feels too hard to bear at times. It almost doesn't seem to make sense. Why would we live if there was really absolutely nothing after this? What would the purpose be? And what about children who die? I can't shake off the thought that there has to be something deeper, something beyond our understanding. We usually fear the unknown, (I know I do). Maybe there is nothing to be afraid of, and maybe there is. Maybe there is nothing whatsoever after we die, and maybe there is something much better.
I have been reading about near death experiences lately. I have also talked to a medium, she assured me that death is just another dimension. That it is a happy event. The strangest thing happened to me. Just 4 days before my friend died, I got visited by a woman I had never seen before. She talked to me about dying, and about how we keep on living afterwards, but without our bodies. When she left, she handed me her business card. She was a medium.
Death has always been one of my worst fears. I think about it very often, at least several times a day and definitely every single night when I go to bed. It is an unhealthy fear, something I was born with I guess, but I don't think that most people fear death as much as I do. I went to college and become a hospice nurse, mainly to be able to understand the concept of death. It didn't help. I have seen many people dying during the 3 years I worked as a hospice nurse, I have held many hands of people who took their last breaths. Did it help me to understand? No, it did not.
The feeling of loss is terrible. To see him suffer and get worse every day was terrible too. There came a day when I wished he would die, because he was suffering and there was no way back to health. In those last hours, I desperately wanted to tell him that it was okay to let go, and I couldn't make myself say the words, because it was not really okay. Nothing was okay about all this and it felt and still feels very wrong.
we can go back physically, but we'll never be back mentally
You are right. But perhaps I have not completely let go of it. It makes me think of the Little Prince in Antoine De Saint Exupery's story. He cared for his rose on his little planet. She told him that she was unique, the only rose in the universe. But then when he was on earth, he found a whole field with roses. He knew right there and then that the rose had been lying to him, but she was "his" rose and in his eyes, she was still unique. As he said to the fox, the rose had tamed him.
Now I look at my children and sometimes wonder what I have to offer them now. I understand when you say you want to know and to believe for selfish reasons, I have felt that way too.
Glad I'm not the only one. I know many JWs who are in it for the reward, that "paradise". But then I also remember the command "you MUST love God with your whole heart". If a righteous person like Moses who did love God made one mistake and wasn't even allowed to enter the promised land, after putting his life on hold to deal with the stubborn Israelites, then how, oh how in the world would any of us or any of the JWs stand a chance to get any reward at all? I don't know, I'm confused, really confused.
