they'd finally made me feel so awful and unworthy that I was nearly suicidal
This was me, too. I just couldn't, I had 6 kids to raise - but the thought did cross my mind more than once.
No matter how hard I tried to understand, things just weren't adding up - among other things, the 1914 generation change, the literature by donation arrangement, the fact that brothers could sexually abuse me as a kid and get away with it, yet if I did as a consenting adult, my sins would be dragged in front of 3 men where I'd have to describe in every detail what happened. Let the guilt get to you, and confess twice - and you're the one thrown of the Org. If you're a good at lying, well you could get away with it for a long time - as was the case with the elder that abused me. The fact that the elders get this blanked-out look on their faces when you go to them for help with the sexual abuse you went through as a child by those in the Org. and then they make you feel like it's all in your head - like you dreamt the whole thing up - crazy making!
I went to college in 2000, and one of my assignments was on Scientology. As I researched for that assignment, many things about that cult and JW's came up so very similar. As I researched for that assignment on the internet, information about JW's was commonly with that of Scientology. I had a bit of an eye-opening then. I found a site that listed 10 traits to identify a cult, and in my opinion, JW's seemed to fit 9 out of the 10.
But the "thunderbolt" moment, that one when you know you're really FREE, came at last year's memorial. I hadn't been to any other meeting, assembly, etc, since the memorial the year before. I went with my 6 kids. I wasn't sure of the time it started, and came too early for a df'd person. So I sat there, and watched. Some people came to where we were sitting, and basically talked to me through my children...you know, like, "You should let your mother know that she is...blah,blah,blah...or that she should, blah,blah,blah." I just about walked out before the whole thing started. But I stuck it out. I listened to the talk like I'd heard it 40 times before - maybe that's because I had. It just no longer felt like the truth. The people looked unhappy, drone-like, worn-out beings. It was cold. I knew as I walked out that door, it would be the last time I'd ever set foot in a KH. It would be the last time I would subject my children to the brainwashing.
Rose
