You know, I'm starting to sense a pattern here. It all starts with gossip. One "friend" rats on another "friend." With all the backstabbing and mock trials going on, you would think they get off on destroying each other.
It seems the decision is always already made for them to get rid of the "wrongdoer." Next step is they open with a lukewarm-half assed prayer. Did anyone ever tell them that not every word in the bible is a prayer? Any idiot can take a verse out of context and twist it to fit their argument.
Then the elders lay the smackdown. DumDumDum! This is where I try not to laugh. They take themselves so seriously! Ohh, apostasy! Ohh, independent thought! AAKK!! Kill it before it spreads!
They proceed to distract you with a lame comparison to a drug dealer or an alcoholic, circumvent their own rules as well as the bible's, toss common sense and logic happily out the window, then finish off by throwing insults cleverly disguised as "spiritual guidance" until someone gets pissed off and walks away. I'm temped to say that they might as well get a monkey to conduct this meeting, but I don't want to insult the monkeys.
Oh, by the way, haven't you heard? The elders know what you're thinking. It's all part of their package-deal communication with God.
And then we come to pornography
Please forgive me, I just couldn't resist...
"Brother NoName, you have been charged with renting a copy of Pootie Tang from Blockbuster seven years ago. We have this on good authority from Jehovah that you took said video back to your home where you proceeded to abandon the use of your God given female spouse and engage in self abuse, or pummel yourself! How do you plead!?"
"Ah, ElderNoBrain, how do you know all that?"
"Oh, it's quite simple really. At the moment you were baptized, you were secretly drugged and while you were asleep we surgically implanted a GPS tracking device in your penis. This has a direct link to Jehovah, and of course, he only shares this link with us. Now, should you be proven guilty of these charges, which of course you already have, you will be faced with disfellowshipment. Don't worry, that's a real word. We totally didn't make that up."
"Than how come it's not in any dictionaries?"
"Because we haven't told the worldly people how to spell it. As I was saying, you are guilty of masturbation, which is one of the most hideous sex practices that Satan ever invented to lure honest hearted ones away from the truth. This vile and depraved practice- -"
"Um, ElderNoBrain, what's that under your foot?"
"What!? Pay no attention to the underage girl under the table!"
(readjusts himself) "As I was saying, based on this charge, you have been deemed spiritually weak and therefore must be expelled from the organization and we are to have no further contact with you, except once. Before Armageddon comes, please do us the favor of leaving your house in our name as I'm sure you'll be pre-occupied with the crows pecking away at your rotting carcass. It would really save us the trouble as most of us will be too busy with bone raking duty! Take care now!"
Have I made my point?
Anitar