I'll have a go..... (not to be taken seriously!)
Brothers and sisters. In this time of the end, when armageddon is so close it is more important than ever that we keep on the watch for the truth. The worldwide preaching work must continue, we need to also be viligant in keeping out wrongdoers. No one is above the Governing Body, the Governing Body is truth and justice. Any threat to truth and justice must be weeded out in order to protect the flock. Our work is more important than ever, we cannot allow weeds to continue to grow amongst our wheat. As we get closer, the weeds are maturing and easier to distinguish. We recently found ourselves in a position where we needed to engage in some serious weeding out which had to be done to protect our wheat. We received new light that made it plain to us what we thought was wheat was a weed. Which brings us to making this sad announcement.
We regret to inform you Jehovah is no longer a member of the group formerly known as the Jehovah's Witnesses. This decision was not made lightly, however, we cannot allow such a liar to continue to infect our flock. He delibrately gave us the wrong light, when we thought it was getting brighter, it was in reality getting dimmer. He has mislead us to believe the end was coming (to find that it didn't) so many times we can no longer afford to continue to privately reproof him. Our donations are down, he refused to testify on our behalf recently when we experienced persecution for our two witness rule. Our donations are down, he has allowed an internet discussion site for apostates known as JWD to continue. Our donations are down, he allows individuals to continue to distribute reading material which mocks us and encourages 'free thinking'. Our donations are down, he failed to support us with our application to the UN. On top of all this, our donations are down.
We also have severe concerns over his parenting skills. Yes, his son allowed himself to be murdered for us, however that is no excuse for the skirts, hair, beard and not owning a 4 door car. He forgave a prostitute rather than shunning her, which he knows he should have done. Despite our repeated requests, he continues to refuse to discipline his son. He has also failed to submit a field ministry report and won't commit himself by the way of baptism. Our donations are down.
As Jehovah is no longer a member, we feel obliged to inform you that any association with him will result in reproval. This includes even mentioning his name. You are no longer to pray to him, call on him or acknowledge him in any way. He is no longer one of us. Instead, you are to pray to us, the Governing Body. You call upon us, the Governing Body to be saved. You seek enlightenment from us, the Governing Body. You give your life savings to us, the Governing Body. We shall be distributing a new bible for you to study, read it daily you shall be quizzed at armaegeddon.
So, you may find yourself now wondering, "is armageddon still coming?". We are happy to inform you, it is. We will be dealing with that at a date yet to be decided. We will not tell you when that day is as we feel this is in the best interests of you, our flock. In the meantime, we neeed to be vigil in spreading the name of the Governing Body's Witnesses. We need as many pioneers as we can get, our Bethels need more volunteers than ever as we have myriads upon myriads of new bibles to distribute. Remember, armaegeddon is still just around the corner, we will be receiving weekly reports from your elders, anyone not putting in the required hours, rebels against the elders or encourages free thinking will be destroyed. In line with our recent events, the Memorial will no longer be celebrated as this is honouring the creator, instead of the created. Birthday celebrations are still banned however as they can lead to excessive drinking as well as immorality.
We look forward to you, our sheep serving us. You shall receive your new bibles shortly, remember to study these vigiliy, as if your life depended on it as it does.
