Cabin in the woods,
So the Awake! magazine wasn't satisfactory? I suppose that's not funny anymore.
The 70's were not a good to be a graduating JW.
My brother (class of '73) turned down full scholarships to a a few after graduating valedictorian. That was after NOT APPLYING to any colleges. I was class of '75 and had already quit school to pioneer just before I turned 16. In my last year of H.S. at 15 I also had some college options opening up.
I loved art and my art HS teacher heard I was quitting over the summer in 73. He sent tons of brushes and canvasses and paint and begged me not to quit school. He wanted me to focus on art if nothing else. Instead, I foolishly considered it a contribution to the Kingdom work and sold a few paintings to support my pioneering gas money in '74 through '76. Then In 1976 I went to Bethel and let them take advantage of my art and graphics work for a couple years.
But I also understand the desire you had for more education. Even while pioneering, I stayed close to the campus, having several Bible studies with college students, and spending many late afternoons in the university library and at my father's electronics lab at the university. I took several courses in all kinds of subjects in their self-study materials cubicles. Especially music theory, science and electronics. One of my Bible studies that got baptized taught me calculus.
I'm still a little surprised, maybe upset, that my father never tried to override my mother, even though he knew the value of education, working as a full-time electronics engineer, running some development labs and student teaching labs, and as a part-time professor. He was torn between 1975-Armageddon thinking and what might be better in the long-run. (My mother didn't believe in a long-run.) My father had hired another elder, a former Gilead missionary, to work in his main lab. I once heard the "missionary" in early 1975 excitedly arguing about whether Armageddon was coming in October 1, October 4/5 or Tishri something-or-other. My father, for the first time that I recall, basically told him that he didn't believe in 1975. It was a shock in some ways. But I had already applied to Bethel and my future career was set, I thought, no matter what happened in 1975.
Well, at Bethel in 1976, I practically lived in the libraries. I read all the books I could cover to cover including old Watch Towers and even the Aid book. I learned enough Greek to get some research assignments for a couple projects Bert Schroeder was working on. Unfortunately, what I was reading and these assignments didn't mix very well. There was a very studious brother in Writing who had a Bible study group in his room. When I got invited, I thought I had just been invited to "Harvard". This particular brother broke the myth of how difficult it was to write for the Watchtower. He had written much of the Aid book, and could write a Watchtower study article that went in unedited in its first draft. (Or so others in the department claimed.) Of course, this didn't last long when the powers broke up these studies and labeled them as forms of apostasy.
When I left, I almost lost my chance to go to college myself, and would still be yearning if it weren't for my marriage to a lovely wife who knew exactly what I was missing. I worked part-time and she worked full-time so I could go.
The irony is that my mother, who talked my father into retiring too early from the university, finally went to college herself to get her BA. She never told me or my brother or sister. It was her secret. I found out only a few years after her graduation when I realized that her full time job as a teacher (in her 60's) required that minimum of education. She admitted it to me only this year. (Of course, she didn't speak to any of her apostate children much for the last 20 years, until long after the grandkids came along, and she couldn't resist anymore.)
Anyway. I understand the feeling and hope you can work it all out. I think finishing a satisfactory education is never really complete anyway, but you'll feel better for all that you've done to make up for the past.
BTW, I cannot bring myself to create a painting anymore. Not since Bethel. I used to love starting a painting and then just going into a kind of "flow" where I was painting for hours on end until the canvas showed me what I wanted. There was hardly anything that brought more joy. I don't know whether to blame Bethel, or that same thing you called "visiting yourself" again. It might just be me.
Good luck. It sounds like you deal with it as reasonably as possible. Some level of anger over this is natural. As long as it motivates to positive action or at least to move on without repeating past mistakes.
Gamaliel
