- Are you open with your partner about your participation on this board? This board, no. He knew I visited chat rooms when I first stopped attending but I'm pretty sure he think I have 'gotten over it'.
- Do you hide your reference materials from your partner? I did at first. He found my books in a closet a couple years ago and he asked me if he could take them and put them in a storage shed we rented. He claimed he had been having trouble sleeping at night and thought it was the demons surrounding the material I had. I told him he could do whatever he wanted with them because I had already read them and learned what I needed. Of course he slept better when they were gone. LOL
- Have you had any close calls, and if so, describe them? My first contact on the Net was in an AOL chatroom for DF'd persons. My husband was using my AOL account one time when someone IM'd me. He seemed more concerned that it was a male sending me a message than an apostate.
- If you are secretive about your anti-JW activities, do you plan on coming clean with your partner at some time? I never felt like it was something I wanted to hide. I did try to arm myself first, but it didn't really do any good. He was/is a good JW, former elder ;and was very good at twisting scriptures. I spent most of my time struggling with the kids at the meetings and never learned more than the basic dos and don'ts in 20 years.
- If you do plan on coming clean, when do you anticipate doing so?
- If your partner is aware of your anti-JW activity, how do they react? My husband's first reaction was very negative. He outright said that if he ever thought I was actively opposed, he would divorce me and even told a couple of the kids that he was thinking about it. I never did figure out what that meant. That was 7 years ago now. I asked him a few months ago about the comment and he said he still felt the same way. I told him I didn't know how I could be any more opposed than I am; that I HATE the borg. He said if I acted on it, it would be different. I assured him that when the subject ever comes up in any way that I do anything I can to persuade someone to look into the teachings and expose them as the liars they are and that I feel it is my obligation to warn people. So....I don't really know what he meant....maybe picketing an assembly?
- Any stories to share? Well....I sometimes think it is harder for me to live with him than it is for him to live with me. I know what the publications say about apostates and how wicked and evil they are. I know what they say my fate will be. He feels sorry for me for being misled by apostates who have taken away the 'truth' from me and in typical fashion, replaced it with nothing but emptiness. It is extremely frustrating at times to wonder what he must really think of me; maybe it's my own feeling of inadequacy. I would find it hard to live with someone and love someone that was the type of person that the WTS describes me to be. It also makes me feel very weird to know that he expects some day I will be destroyed with the rest of the wicked world. It gives me a very sad and distorted view on what love is. It just doesn't seem right. I know some people think I am looking for excuses to not be married to him after 30 years, but that is not it. I get confused in my own mind sometimes in trying to separate him from the WTS that I hate so much. It's like living with another woman; one he loves more than me and will choose over me if ever need be. When I start thinking about all this, it just makes me throw up my hands and shake my head. I have no idea what it all means......
SECRECY, Pros and Cons...UBM's, I'm asking you
by jgnat 63 Replies latest social relationships
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twinflame
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jgnat
Wow, twinflame. That was candid and thorough. You've given me a gift. I'll be sure to use it wisely.
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BluesBrother
As a now unbelieving husband who was once the "Spiritual head" of a united household, I accept that my wife has had to cope with a big change, and is is now disadvantaged because of my coming out of the Borg . She has to go alone tonight to the group they assign her to, rather than be the Study Conductors wife and have the little perks that made life easier.
I do not hide the fact that I use the internet and a message board , she does not want to know about it. My wife knows the score and is savvy enough to keep it quiet from the elders .
Advice? Well as one who has had no success at all in cracking her faith, perhaps I am not the best one to ask. I would only say the same as in any marital dispute. Try and talk, try and keep it reasonable and not angry , and above all show that just because you left the WT , you have not changed into the kind of monster that the WT says we are....
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vitty
I want to ask a couple questions, and especially to Carla and (betty boop) sorry cant remember your name and dont want to stop post.
Do you still love your husbands? And how do you when they are so emotinally removed from you ?
They seem so remote and even cruel towards your feelings, I wonder how Jehovah regards them.
Do you ever have intimate times together, I dont mean sex, but do you ever get connected emotinally, you know when you cuddle up and say how much you love each other and all that stuff.
How do you cope?????
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twinflame
vitty....wow, first time I was ever called Betty Boop....sounded pretty funny hearing it.
Do you still love your husbands? And how do you when they are so emotinally removed from you ?
I was 20 when we were married. I love the familiarity, afraid of change. Our marriage was much like being in the borg in a controlling, guilt ridden type of way, so I have a lot of insecurity about 'where would I go away to' type of feelings. Claims that I could not make it on my own...yada, yada. He can be a good man and has been a good provider and he loves me. I guess I'm just not much 'in love' since I feel like I can't share his hopes and dreams and work towards them together.
They seem so remote and even cruel towards your feelings, I wonder how Jehovah regards them.
He doesn't mean to be cruel. I guess after being a JW myself for over 20 years, I know why he thinks the way he does. As I said, sometimes I find it difficult to separate him from the WTS and have a lot of resentment. I have no feelings one way or another about Jehovah. I can't go there.
Do you ever have intimate times together, I dont mean sex, but do you ever get connected emotinally, you know when you cuddle up and say how much you love each other and all that stuff.
Only sex and that is not very good without intimacy. I miss that.
How do you cope?????
Alcohol. Seriously. My own fault for not doing something more. -
TheListener
WOW!!!
This thread is incredible. Perhaps because it hits so close to home.
I don't have time today to put my comments down or respond to some of the things others have said.
I will comment tomorrow.
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carla
I can relate to everything twinflame (who looks a little like betty boop!) except I was never jw. I had so much to learn and still things surprise me. He does try very hard to be what he now considers to be a 'good' husband. What is gone is intimacy and trust. They go together hand in hand. As I have said before to others, you try crawling in bed with someone who thinks you are worthy of death and filled with satan. No he has never said such things to me but the org says it everyday about all non believers of the wts bullshit. How do you trust somebody when nothing in your life will ever be private again? Does he go to the elders with stuff? How the heck would I know? The elder I met once is a slime bag I wouldn't trust with my dog. You no longer have that 'freedom' in marriage anymore because there might be some rule somewhere about something! You can't even play chess! (not that I do, just an example) Even the freedom to laugh at certain things, face it, some things can be morbidly funny. Might be a bit distasteful but just between the two of you some silly joke would sound a bit off color to someone else. What else that disappears almost right away is the silent language of marriage. I miss that too. Now I need to read a thread that will make me angry instead of melancholy.
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twinflame
(((carla)))
try crawling in bed with someone who thinks you are worthy of death and filled with satan. No he has never said such things to me but the org says it everyday about all non believers of the wts bullshit
This really nails it on the head although he claims he doesn't feel this way because he still keeps hoping I will come around in time. But I know what I've read and I know what my fate is according to WTS doctrine. Not an intimacy-inducing feeling.
Trust is also a big issue. According to JW mentality, they are the only truly moral people. If you stop going to meetings, it leaves you wide open for other worldly attitudes. Worldly people have no morals. How can an apostate possibly be trusted.
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vitty
(((((((carla and twinflame)))))))))
I am so sad, my husband and I were together before I came in the truth, but when he wanted out I really hated him. It really was all about me and not him. He became dehumanized, I loved him, but he was comming between me and the new system.
We both got out, but Ilistening to your stories fills me with guilt and horrror !
My daughter got married last year, I know its a strain for her, but to think that the WT could get in the way, I just dont know what to say
I ask a stupid question, but how can this get between a marriage, new or old.
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jgnat
Wow, there's a lot of meat in here to digest. Thank you all for participating and contributing. I believe I've hit a need, and it feels good to give you all a forum to talk about it.
I think I will follow up later with a couple other surveys on Intimacy and Trust.
And, soon, I'll give my own thoughts on secrecy in my situation.