oops! sorry jgnat! we kind of highjacked your thread! sorry. You know how it is, get talking to a ubm and you never know what will come out! Secrecy, somewhat a part of life now. Or should it be called halftruths? or omission? don't ask, don't tell?
SECRECY, Pros and Cons...UBM's, I'm asking you
by jgnat 63 Replies latest social relationships
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twinflame
I ask a stupid question, but how can this get between a marriage, new or old.
My best answer is this: Being a JW is not a religion; it is a way of life. Don't ask me what that means....I just don't know how to explain it. It's just always THERE.
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vitty
I just wanted to add, I was talking to my 18 year old son today and he told me that I was so intrenched with the WT I couldnt think straight, he didnt trust my advice and that the WT had come between us, parent and child.
What can I say, im devistated, I thought I was a libral parent, even in the org.
I know it has but what can I do, my kids, one in ,one out. One thinks we werent strong enough, one think we were too strict.
I m just grateful my husband is out with me !
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Check_Your_Premises
I ask a stupid question, but how can this get between a marriage, new or old.
Let me take a crack at this one.
What I said recently was
"I just wish it was back to just you and me. But it isn't. It is me, you , and them! It used to be that if we had to figure something out, you and I would figure something out ourselves. Compromise. Now there is this other member who absolutely will never compromise no matter what you and I think."
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carla
Vitty,
I was just trying to figure out if you were still jw. I see by above answer is no. However how can you ask how it can get between a marriage after reading our responses? Or other responses from ubm's in the past? Maybe you can't understand the change that comes when one joins this cult,- mental, emotional, even facial, to actually see your spouses eyes glaze over is quite scary the first time, loss of memory, becoming apathetic, there is just so much I could fill a book. Like twinflame said, it's always there. It's like some horrible backround music that will never go away, somedays it is blaring, other days it is just backround.
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jgnat
Carla, this is not a hijack, it's called lively discussion, and I love it!
Vitty, I wouldn't worry too much about your children's criticism. I found out their view of us makes a dramatic turn when they hit their late twenties. All of a sudden we get so smart. Let's see, what were my children's biggest criticisms?
- I never changed my mind. It left them no wiggle room for negotiation (I was a single parent! I didn't have time to have a pestering teen underfoot! My yes was yes and my no was no. Keep that up, and they give up. Peace in the home, heaven!)
- They thought I didn't care about their choices. "Back at ten, mom?" "OK". (Hey, if there was nothing wrong with their decision why stress all over them?)
- My tomato sauce was too tomato-ey and my hot chocolate was too chocolate-y. (She can make her own sauce. OK by me.)
- Now I am a grandma, all of a sudden, candy is OK. Double standard, huh? (Parent's perogative.)
- I talk too much. All the skeletons are out of the closet and dancing down the street. (Didn't we have the talk about roles or "faces" we put on? I can't do that any more, ever since my near-breakdown when my son turned twelve. I have no energy for split roles. The closest is my "big boss lady" role when I give direct eye contact and my voice slows and deepens. What you see is what you get. Sorry. No secrets.)
What did they like the most?
- I stuck to my guns and didn't back down. I let them grow up.
- I never criticized their choices and always encouraged their independence.
- Neither doubt my enduring love for them.
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twinflame
I think, Carla, that some are more successful in making things work. After 30 years of marriage, mine should stand a better than average chance. To be totally honest, it probably sticks more in my craw than his. I just hate knowing what the WTS thinks of me and that he is so devoted to them. It's almost like I feel he is disloyal to me in some way.
I think it also depends on how good of JW the spouse is. The more hard-core, the harder it probably is. If your whole life doesn't revolve around every utterance of the WTS, they you would probably do better and not have it come between you as much.
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carla
My mom & I were talking this weekend and she said the only one who really loves you unconditionally is your mom. (remember I come from a nonjw family, didn't even know any) I thought how sad for so many jw's, as this statement is not true for them. Well, it doesn't seem true to me because so many jw mom's shun their own children.
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vitty
Carla.............I became a JW before my husband did , so i don t quite understand how it is for you. But my question was more more rehtorical than critical !
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vitty
Carla ..............my question was more rhetorical than critical.............I think you say more about the human spirit than the JWs and I was was for more than 20 years..............