Dear Richie,
This is so similar to the crap my parents pulled when I DAed myself at age 35! Things got so crazy! It was like I didn't know them any more. They were living in my house at the time. They used it as a home base in the winter and traveled in an RV during spring, summer, and fall. They would come into the house while I was at work and remove things. Some of the stuff was theirs, but some of it was debatable. I couldn't be sure of what they took.
You see, it got even more complicated when you factored in that they loaned me the money for my house. I was making regular payments at 8.5% interest. The house was in my name, though. Perhaps they felt the house was theirs.
Well, I began to worry that they would not only take my stuff, but that they might start to vandalize my stuff that they didn't take. I asked them to come while I was home so that I could observe what was being taken from my house and to keep an eye on things. I felt that was a reasonable request. They showed up one afternoon while I was home early getting ready for a doctor's appointment. Walked right in. When they found I was home, they immediately left.
Following the advice of some friends, I had to change the locks! And then I repeated that they could come take any of their stuff, but I had to be there. I was going to have a friend from work be there too, as a witness (no pun intended).
Well days went by. The first day with an empty mailbox didn't raise my suspicions. The second day I had a horrible idea of what might be happening. The third day I knew something was really wrong and I went down to the post office. They had put in a change of address for them and for me and sent my mail to my brother's house! When confronted about it, they claimed it was a mistake they must have made in filling out the change of address request. Back over to the post office. The postmaster checked, and he said it was no mistake. He wanted to know if I wanted to file a report. I declined. I just couldn't file charges against my parents for a federal crime.
To this day I am glad I didn't. But I still feel badly that things got so strained between us so quickly.
They left a lot of stuff behind in my house. I wrote them letters and let them know that they could pick up their belongings any time, and I would arrange to be home to open the house to them. They never did. They did send me a letter once asking for some stuff. I packed it up for them and left it outside for them to pick up. There was a lot of furniture, clothes, appliances, and other items they just abandoned.
At the time I DAed I told them it didn't have to change my relationship with them; only they could choose to do that. I told them they were welcome to stay and things could go on just as always. Well, they chose. My Dad wasn't even a baptized JW. He was an unbelieving mate. He was always an indecisive wishy-washy person, and my mom would always get so upset with him that he wouldn't take the lead as the head of the house. But he was the one who put his foot down and told my mom that they had to cut me off from their lives.
I would have gladly nursed them in their old age if I had had to. I would have done anything for them but live my life according to the way they wanted me to for even one more day. Now, after twelve years of total shunning, I feel differently. I wouldn't raise a hand to help them cross the street. I wouldn't go to their funerals even if the family begged me. If they offered me millions of dollars, I would turn them down.
But, if they pulled up to the house today and said they were so sorry and genuinely wanted to reestablish a relationship with me, I would welcome them back in a heartbeat.
There is no going back for me now. There can be no compromise, otherwise all I have been through will have been for nothing. They have to accept me for who I am now, just as I would accept them for who they are. The only thing I can't accept is their intolerance. The only thing I can't accept is me having to live my life according to their warped views. I just cannot do that.
So believe me Richie when I tell you I know what you are going through. I know what it feels like; I know about all the conflicting emotions involved. It is scary. I was never more afraid. It is a heavy price to pay, but it is worth it to be yourself. That is the most valuable thing in the world to me. I think it will be to you too. Just don't let the craziness get to you. Take the high road. Defend your rights, but pick your battles doing it. Your goal is to win, if you can, and the prize is the possibility of a future relationship with your parents. Sometimes a minor loss can result in a long term victory. It didn't happen for me, but I still have hope. And I sure hope it happens to you.
Tammy
