I have to make one of the toughest decisions of my life (page 4)

mkr32208

Some of the people on this site are brain dead...

1st HELL NO you shouldn't move!

2nd MOST of us aren't thrilled at the prospect of being parents at first! We have careers and friends and vacations and things to do and we think "oh crap this kid is gonna mess everything up" (and guess what we were right!) but once they pop out and you get use to them kids are great! 'AS' had screaming hysterics both times she found out she was pregnant (not good!) But we love the girls and wouldn't get rid of them for anything... Except maybe cash!!

3rd I have a friend who lives in Vagas (Melanie) she is a single mother and DF'ed! She is also LOTS of fun! let me know if you want her cell you girls should hook up! Would work well for swapping kids off and stuff!

Gregor

Happy to hear you nixed the abortion idea. You will never regret it. Keep that child and raise him/her yourself with the help of your support network. If Mr. UK wants to be a part of his childs life he'll have to figure out how to do it. As a father of 5 I can tell you that 18 yrs. will go by in the blink of an eye and this current dilemma will seem trivial compared to the companionship of your child.

Very best wishes to you.

Virgochik

I don't see why you have to decide about marriage right now. You might come to love this guy after seeing him be a great father to your child. And you might not. What's his rush?

I like the beautiful story Mulan shared. That couple turned a difficult situation into a wonderful thing for their daughter. How exciting, summers (?) in Sweden, her Father coming to see her every year, college abroad, and two parents who get along and who both participated in her upbringing. She gets dual citizenship, travel, two cultures and languages, and two great parents! I'm betting lots of kids would love this!

Stay here and don't get isolated from home, friends, family and job. He's asking too much of you. You don't see him offering to give all those things up, do you? He could come over every summer to spend time with the child, and maybe your child could go to see their relatives in the UK, these people will be their family, too. It doesn't have to be all or nothing!

freedomlover

((((sweety))))) CONGRATS on this beautiful baby!

None of us can tell you what to do here.

Fact is, yes, this is a difficult situation. You know what to do, but talking it out here will help you figure out what to do.

I am a wife and mother and I worked with mothers and midwives in a birthing center so I have to tell you that your feelings are perfectly NORMAL! such as -

this is what motherhood is all about. Even when you are in a steady, reliable, relationship mothers lives seem to change 95% and fathers 5%. It's just the way it is. Not to say that fathers lives don't change but from the start of pregnancy forward mothers make TREMENDOUS sacrifices for their children. The rewards are more than worth it though....

Wonderful! You are a step ahead of the game than most single mothers I've worked with. You will be amazed at the network you will build and daycare can be a great experience for children. Your child will be well adjusted what ever you decide. One thing that is beautiful about children is that they are VERY resilient!

You are scared because it's unknown and I will be honest that you will have moments where you will question your decision - regardless of WHATEVER that decision is. Children are hard work, the hardest I've ever known. Gather your support and lean on family and friends when it gets to be too hard.

You are NOT being selfish at all. You are being very realistic. I applaud you!

keep us up to date. I'll be thinking of you and wondering how things are going......

WildHorses

Unbeliever, if you do not love him, marrying him would be the worst thing you could do. Think about it. In a loveless marriage, you will make it for a while, but a few years down the road if you do not fall in love with him in that time you will end up in divorce. That, I think, would be the worst thing for the child. To lose a parent to divorce because I am sure you will move back to the states if you do divorce. There may even be a nasty custody fight. If he wins the child will stay in the UK with him. Will you still be able to stay there if this happens?

It seems best imo, since you do not love him, but you do want him in the childs life, to keep things as they are. He will still see his child and there will not be any animosity between the parents due to divorce.

Just my thoughts on it is all. I could be wrong though.

ballistic

Yeah I agree with wildhorses. It's bloody rainy all the time here as well. If you come from a really hot place it could be depressing. Sorry, I got the blues at the moment. really.

FlyingHighNow

I hope not to be redundant here. I apologize if I am.

So much for 'no strings attached sex'. This is a good example of the fallibility of that term.

Women. We get the nine months of pregnancy and maybe some stretch marks, etc. Not an easy task or feat. I've had two pregnancies. I speak from experience. And so you have the advantage over the fellow from England. You will have physical custody of the baby, which will be born an American citizen.

You are facing the same dilemmas a lot of unmarried, not in loves experience when a baby is involved. That ocean poses problems, yes, but basically, you've got the same issues any expectant couple faces. Keep it simple is my advice.

You don't love him. He doesn't love you. Stay where you are. Let him stay where he is. When he makes his little visits, you know about his "little" visits already, then he can visit your baby. Lots of single mothers do it mostly alone. You won't be the first. There are all kinds of resources available to help you raise a child. Keep it simple.

LDH

It's like why do I have to be the one to make such huge changes?

Technically, you don't. You've already stated that you considered abortion, but couldn't go through with it.

My opinion on abortion is different from most people's on this thread. (And I have had two pregnancies and two healthy children, thank you!).

Abortion is your right, no civilized nation should make a woman who is unprepared become a mother.

I have friends I know who have chosen to have an abortion or not to. The one difference is that most of the women who did not have abortions struggled financially through their 20's 30's and even 40's because they weren't prepared for motherhood.

Other women had abortions, and when they were in emotionally stable relationships and financially able to support a child, they had one or two or three.

Don't fall into the "I would regret it" category. There is not one human being alive who has either done or nto done something they would regret.

Lisa

unbeliever

I wanted to comment on the adoption and abortion topics. I did not give much thought to adoption. Once I decided I was going to have it there was no question I was going to keep it. I know there are couples out there who desperately want children, I know some of those couples but in my situation I cannot give the baby up. I have always been very careful about birth control but the condom broke. It happens. Ultimately I decided not to have the abortion because I did not want it to haunt me for the rest of my life and I felt an abortion would be taking the easy and most convienent way out in my situation. I am not saying that to offend anyone. It's just how I felt. I am not judging anyone who has had an abortion. It a very personal decision and each person has to do what they feel is right for them. Maybe if I was 18 or something I would have made a very different decision but I am 25 and have a house and a very good job. I can at least support a child fiancially.

The part that scares me to death is raising the child by myself. I've always considered myself a very responsible person but I have only been responsible for myself. Now I am responsible for this human being. I know the damage parents can do to their children. I saw the damage my JW mother has done to me and the rest of my siblings. I know UK guy might sound very controlling but family is everything to him which is why I was considering a move to England. I know he would make a great father and this baby would stand more of a chance at turning out normal than if I raised him/her by myself but giving up my security and job might not nesessairly be in the childs best interest. If I'm miserable then the child can sense that. Which is why I said it would be so much easier if I loved him. Kinda sucks I don't but I can't make myself love him.

The ideal situation would be for him to move to the US and raise the child with me. On the flip side his family, business, is all in England. How things turned out with Mulan's daughter in law is great. He told me last night he would only be able to come to the US maybe 3-4 days a month and he brought out how is he supposed to be a father on such limited time especially during the first year. This just sucks.

LDH

I am not judging anyone who has had an abortion.

I agree.

I had an aunt who was impregnated at the age of 15 by her high school principal in Buffalo NY around 1970 and this dirty dog then encouraged her to have a coat-hanger abortion (legitimate abortions were not legal for minors at that time).

This back alley abortion caused her to hemorrage to death in her bed at age 16.

So I get a little riled up when I hear of people wanting to condemn abortion-havers. They are one step away from trying to criminalize abortion.

Lisa

I have to make one of the toughest decisions of my life

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