by unbeliever 62 Replies latest jw friends
Just a suggestion based on what you said about not loving the father and not being especially thrilled at the idea of being a Mum.
Give the baby up for adoption to a family who would be thrilled to have a child and that in my humble opinion would be the most unselfish thing you could do in this situation. Of course the father may decide to claim his rights and fight you.......it's a shame for the innocent child.
Has the father been given the chance to consider raising the kid over there? If he loves and wants the kid, wouldn't that be better than adopting it to strangers?
S
One of our daughters in law was in a similar situation 18 years ago, about two years before she met our son. She found herself pregnant by a man she met who was from Sweden, and had returned home. She let him know about the baby, and he would have done whatever she asked of him. She didn't ask for support money, only that he be in the child's life, so she would know her father. So, he comes every year to visit her, for at least a month. He has had her come to Sweden many times, even once when she was about a year old, with her mother of course. Now she is almost 18 and is making plans to move to Sweden to finish school and go to college, which is free for the citizens. They are making arrangements for her to have dual citizenship. We've met him many times, and he is a really nice, honorable man.
It can be worked out without a marriage. Marriages can fail.
Marriage is difficult when all the love is there. Some other questions:
Moving to a place where you know nobody except him is dangerous. Seeing someone on and off doesn't give you a big idea of who this person is. Believe me, I've been there, although in my case there was no child involved. I did, however, have a serious accident shortly after I arrived and that took me off the job market and I became totally dependant on him. Isolated from making new friends, missing my old friends- this was not a good idea.
Only you can decide what choice to make. Either way it will be difficult but sacrificing control over your life should never be an option
OMG NO!!!! Keep your baby! It would be a huge mistake to give him/her up! Take it from a woman who never had her own! It is one of the saddest situations in this life.
And adoptees yearn for knowledge of their real mothers their whole lives.
You are a very bright girl Unbeliever.
See a lawyer.
Make plans to have your son or daughter and raise him/her yourself.
You can do it. It is not brain surgery!
By avoiding marriage with someone you dont love, you open yourself up to marriage with someone you do love.
Marriage with someone you love who also loves your baby will be Heaven on Earth!
And another thing. This man may step up to the love plate and win your love over time by being supportive and sweet and kind to you and the baby. Love does sometimes find a way into the heart through this path.
I am so proud of you and your wise hearted choices! You will make an excellent mother Unbeliever!
Congratulations! Like Es, we can all get behind your pregancy and birthing plans and celebrate with you when the time arrives!
Anewme
(((((((Unbeliever)))))))
I'd say keep on trusting life rather than any social norm. It gave your child a mother and a father already, and it may be a good thing if they live apart rather in one unhappy home, provided they both love him/her. I found Mulan's post very encouraging from this perspective.
Take care.
He says he will support me and I would not have to worry about money and that he can help me with my career.
IF he is sincere about this statement, it should be valid even if you stay in the US. IF he is sincere, he will accept your decision if it is to not marry him and stay in the US. It would ultimately be great if you could share custody as the baby grows, but you would have to trust that if he ever took your child to the UK, that he would put him/her back on the return flight.
I agree with the post that said if you make this decision to stay here and be a single mother, being that he is rich, he will find creative ways to see you and the child. I too hope you can remain friends. Many think there are red flags with his seeming to want to manipulate and control you. That is quite possible. I have had much more experience with men who were NOT sincere at what they promised than with those that were. It took me until the age of 44 to meet a man sincere in his promises. willing to sacrifice for me, and help me make my dreams come true.
He is outside right now building me horse corrals for my horse rescue ranch, and adding on a room to the house. He came to live with me at my place when we married. Women have way more to lose in marraige than men, and many men do not understand that fact.
Congratulations!
You will be a great mother.
Yeowch! Wow you are one brave girl. Far out you must be hurting right now.
My immediate reaction: Your marriage would start off rocky and you'd be so busy trying to get used to your new life that you wouldn't have the energy to make it work. Okay so the child would have two fulltime parents for a short while, but when you finally can't stand each other it will be worse off. Your child needs stability. Can you spend twenty years with this guy?
Motherhood: sacred, precious, beautiful (I can say that because I'm never breeding). Apparently it's also the most difficult thing you will ever do. Do you want to do that with no friends or family around? Okay, you'll have his support, but he's just this guy. He's not the man you love. He can't fill the gap you'll have, with all of your people gone.
Oh hon what a situation, I hope you can find some peace so that you can choose with confidence.
But hey, this is the luckiest kid in the world if it gets two parents who care, and US and Euro passports!
Some interesting perspectives on this. I don't agree with all of them, but I just wanted to add a comment regarding the whole "love" thing.
You can have a very happy marriage built on other factors besides love. Mutual respect, friendship, common goals, a shared love of a child - these are things that can be far more powerful and lasting than romantic love. Romantic love fades quickly, and it should never be the primary basis for marriage.
My suggestion would be to not rush into anything but leave all your options open. let the relationship develop a little more once the baby is born, see how it goes. Remain open to the option of marriage, maybe even moving. Take a trip, visit, see if you could adapt to a different country. But don't do it all right now, you aren't ready for that decision yet. Have the baby in an environment where you have support. let the father come visit, but start looking at him with new eyes - as someone you could learn to love over time. Give yourself a little time, and I think the decision will be much easier when the time is right for it.
And yes, do see a lawyer, make sure you don't leave yourself open to anything. But this guy sounds like he's willing to work with you. You have so many positives here.
