Hi Tina, and Ranchette, I agree with you Tina. Although I became a JW at 19 in the early 70's, and my parents were never JW's, I have applied the same situation to my father, who sends terrible letters to me over the internet. In therapy, I learned that to answer them and even open the e-mail is to allow him to engage me emotionally. I have since sent his e-mail back unopened. I have also told him I will no longer read anything he sends me. If he has anything to say he may call me personally on the phone. I have never heard from him. His e-mails are psychological attacks and nothing good can come to me if I read them. He just has his twisted sayings and invites me to a pointless continual dialogue. It is empowering to not open the e-mail. I have since learned from therapy that my pain of wanting the WT religion to be a loving, protecting, moral and spiritual "parent" was my need at 19 for that kind of structure. I ended up choosing a religion that mirrored the crazyiness in my own household growing up. I think that when we look at our own childhood and how we were raised, we can then realize what is "healthy parenting" and "healthy religious experience" and see what is totally unhealthy and disfuncitonal. I look back on this and find myself realizing that I, like all other JW converts, come into the WT with a core personality, that develops layers of the JW personality. Leaving the WT, has been and ongoing peeling of those layers, and I find myself feeling more like the person I was as far as viewing the world, and holidays and such. Yet my children are cradle JW's who have left the Borg, with my husband and I, and they, even though they have left, have no "worldly" layers to balance the cult teachings. I often wonder how they are dealing with all this WTC. Even though I never raised them to fear through threats of death and destruction in a verbal way, I know the liftime of regular meeting attendance put it in their minds and this is part of thier "core". I worry about that. My therapist assures me we broke the cycle and that it may take thier children to completely end the emotional effects of the WT. The best you and I can do Rachette, I guess is continually be healthy in raising our children without those horrible controls, and protect them from the kinds of remarks from well meaning JW family members that is so unhealthy. By leaving and joining the human race, we show our children that we are emotionally and spiritually healthy enough to recognize all kinds of abuse. And as my therapist has stated, they will follow. I hope this helps.
My JW Mothers' Words Of "Love"
by Ranchette 60 Replies latest jw friends
-
-
Tina
(((((aroarer)))))))) WTG! What strength and healthy concepts you have!
I think we all will be peeling some last layer from ourselves,learning and growing is a process not an event.I share your concerns about our kids. My son basically grew up the 'trooth'.(4th gen) When I started therapy I did get him to join in a few family sessions. I really wished he would have continued,but ya can't make anyone do that kind of work unless they're truly ready too. I too,hope that the cycle is broken. I like to think it is. When we talk,And I reflect how my thinking was at his age,I am gratified at the clarity of thought he displays,the ability to voice feelings.(I certainly wasn't like that)
One thing I did strongly urge him to do,that I felt helped me immensely was to take several psychology course in college. He did. We talked a lot about issues and concepts in the field. How some of these processes were or had been in our lives. How they affected us. What we felt about them,then and now. I always told him,insight without action is meaning less. We have to be pro-active,use what we learn. It's been a journey we've pretty much taken together. I'll always be grateful for that. I saw him grow and change as a result of this knowledge. I hope he learned a lot about himself as I did. Of course we know we have much more to learn and understand. As I see you have done as well!
I am so happy when I hear stories like yours Aroarer! You know your stuff there!! And use what you know for continued health and growth!! I get such a great feeling when I read about such courage and strength,because healing and growing journeys have a lot of pain in them.But so worth the gifts we get and give to ourselves and those we love from them.
Always wishing you love ,courage,and the BEST!!!Carl Sagan on balancing openness to new ideas with skeptical scrutiny..."if you are open to the point of gullibility and have not an ounce of skeptical sense-you cannot distinguish useful ideas from worthless ones."
-
JT
AuSet
I think most folks who have been around for a few yrs got those cars in the yard sitting on blocks
i can still see this old elder i knew with that Ford Fairlane
smile
-
JT
Aroarer
hey
you are right they are sales meeting and it is a "What have you done for me lately" mindset that rules the org
how sad
-
Ranchette
Everyone,
Some of you have suggested that I no longer accept these letters from mom.
I have considered that.If I ever feel this is a threat to my emotional well being I will.
Remember I was raised by this woman. She used to have great power over me emotionally.I'm not saying that her words don't hurt me at all but they do not rip me up like they used to.Usually this is how it goes now,I read the letter I'm usually shocked at what she says,although by now I don't know why it still shocks me.It hurts some but mostly they frustrate me because I don't know how to help her.Then I usually start seeing the funny side of it.Like in this case,she lives in the middle ov nowhere UPS won't even go out to her house.Could you imagine me trying to give the Gov. directions to her place? Besides they would release her imeadiatly because shes so difficult!
Anyway I think her letters can be helpful to others. They so perfectly show the JW mind set in action.
If I ignore this bad behavior and just let her know I love her,acting like I should I think it will be confusing to her.After trying this for awhile if I don't like the results I'll do something else.
Ranchette -
Ranchette
JT,
I didn't want to leave you out. I appreciate your comments too.Tina and ARoarer,
I agree that it is important to break this pattern in our families.
When I was a witness I was much tammer than mom but I did make mistakes because of my upbringing.I recognized some of it then but even more so now that I'm out.
It's so much easier bo behave in a loving way now that I'm free.
You can't help but be hurtful to others when your driven by guilt and fear.Ranchette -
JWinSF
With love like hers, who needs hate?
-
Ranchette
Yeah,I think you could call it toxic love.
Ranchette -
Francois
Hi Ranchette-
Frankly, I think your mother is engaging in the JWs favorite sport; pumping sunshine up her own skirt, and engaging in guilt trips while she's doing it. She knows full well she's being cruel and frankly doesn't give a fat fuck.
Non Carborundum Illigitimi
Francois
-
mustang
HI Ranchette,
You too? I am getting so tired of having the 'natural affection' thing thrown in my face that I could puke.
I just joined a gym, and am going totake boxing lessons. I'll
challenge Dad for a round, sometime.Mustang
greetings to Rancher