Hey everyone! I hope that at least someone missed me or noticed that I was gone! I have been so busy, and I don't think that I've really been on here since June. Well, I'm glad to be back. I don't know how often I'll be on here, what with school and all, but I have missed the discussions, that's for sure.
Well, I wanted to ask what everyone thinks of a new relationship that I'm in. I have been dating this guy for about 5 or 6 months, and we have gotten very close in that time. I met him in August and we've been spending lots of time together ever since. I really adore him... but he told me something the other night that really freaked me out.
My boyfriend says to me on the phone the other night that he has dark secrets that he's afraid to tell me but that are eating away at him. So I'm like "Go ahead and tell me, I just want to listen." It took him a little while, but he finally revealed to me that years ago he used to have sex with his COUSIN. With his COUSIN!!! He's about 10 years older than me, so he's in his early thirties. He says it was about 5 years ago or something, and it took place over a period of several years. He's not like some kind of hick or something (I know that's what people usually associate with this kind of thing). He really isn't at all.
He says that he feels very guilty over it now and he's ashamed and he thinks it's disgusting. He says that when he thinks of it, he wants to throw up. I think it's sick and really weird and all... it totally freaked me out... but at the same time, what's past is past, and if someone really regrets it and thinks it's sick now, I'm willing to forget it and move on.
However, the problem to me is that he still speaks with this person! He told me that it was her idea, and that she said if he didn't have sex with her, she'd tell her parents and his that he raped her. So he claims he was coerced and manipulated into it. So then, my question is, why would he still talk to her? Wouldn't he not be able to stand her if she really coerced him into it? He says it's to keep the peace in the family. No one knows (not his parents, not hers, not anyone), and he says a "family war" would break out if anyone did know. He says a lot of his relatives are old and sick and they could get worse or die from the conflict and the shocking, disturbing news.
But I have a problem with it. I know that if I told him I had been having sex with a cousin or whatever of mine, he'd FLIP if I still talked to them! He doesn't want me to talk to anyone I've ever had sex with or even been on a date with at all. So I don't see why he shouldn't follow his own rules. He still talks to this girl on the phone, takes pictures of her at family events, goes to her kids' birthday parties, hangs out, etc. I think it's sick! He always talked about her just like any other family member, but little did I know the truth. It really freaks me out. I suppose that he is well within his rights to do that if that's what he REALLY wants to do, but I also feel that I am well within my rights to ask that he doesn't do it if he wants to be in a relationship with me, and if he doesn't comply, that I am also well within my rights to leave him.
The whole situation is very awkward and uncomfortable. I am broken hearted over it. I adore him so much and I am devestated to find this news out. What will happen at family functions? His mother is sick and will probably die soon... and this particular cousin happens to be his mother's favorite niece. He will obviously want me at the funeral very much, but I don't think it's fair that I'd have to go through the torture of seeing her and being reminded of this sick situation at the funeral. Or at other people's funerals (which it's inevitable that there will be a lot of, since he has a lot of old, sick relatives) and weddings or whatever other family functions. It's just not normal, and it would be too painful for me. Plus, I know he'd have a hard time if it was the other way around... he has said so.
We have talked about marriage (not for now, but WAY, WAY in the future)... but still, I don't know if I could marry someone who has had a relationship like that and then still sees and talks with the person... and then I'd have to see her at events and whatever else. It's awkward for everyone, I know, but I don't think many women would have an easy time with this (or many men, either). But I am just devestated to find this out because I like him so much! But I mean, really, is it fair that I should have to deal with this crap for the rest of my life if I were to ever get extremely serious with him and have a life together with him? I can't see a future of having to tolerate her phone calls, pictures of her, get togethers with her... I just can't see it. It would break my heart and turn my stomach.
Should I just get rid of this relationship and move on? Try to ask him to see it from my perspective and see how he reacts? Deal with it? What would you guys do?
edited by request Lee