I know. This has been going on for over a year. In the beginning of our relationship, religion didn't seem to be a problem because he never went to meetings. But now he wants to start getting back into it. After our last really big fight, we broke up for a few days. When we got back together, he said that he realized we were having problems in our relationship because God wasn't blessing us, even though we stopped having sex a few months back because of the guilt he felt over it. He said that in order to have Jehovah's blessing, I needed to become a Witness so we would be evenly yoked spiritually. I disagree with that being the cause of our problems. He hasn't had a stable job in the year that I have been out here with him, and I know we were operating under extreme stress. I know how stressful it is for him to feel financially unstable, and it was putting me through a lot of stress as well because my salary is basically enough to cover my bills and expenses and I didn't want to have to go into savings to help him out and that made him feel unloved. I just didn't feel comfortable paying his back taxes (close to $3,000) when we weren't married. Then I resented him making me feel like I was being selfish about it. Anyway, we've had a lot of arguments over finances especially in the beginning of our relationship, and I admit that did not put me at ease. I just didn't feel like I needed to be responsible for his bills. I just feel that a lot of our stress has nothing to do with being unevenly yoked. Even if I became a Witness, which I'm not, those problems would still be there. I know I need to get out of it; I know. So many of you have given me such good advice in my other thread and I am TRYING to follow it. I really am. It's just a matter of getting my heart to follow my head out of this relationship. I have been hanging on to the hope with each new job that maybe this time things will work out for him and he will be happy and he will be able to straighten himself out and get over his issues from a bad childhood and bad marriages, and I want to be the woman who is at his side when he finally realizes this life isn't so bad after all. I guess it's time to let go of that dream, though, because it may not ever happen. I've already spent a year waiting.
I think I did a really bad thing.
by emilyblue 83 Replies latest social relationships
-
-
Who are you?
He said that in order to have Jehovah's blessing, I needed to become a Witness so we would be evenly yoked spiritually. I disagree with that being the cause of our problems. He hasn't had a stable job in the year that I have been out here with him, and I know we were operating under extreme stress. I know how stressful it is for him to feel financially unstable, and it was putting me through a lot of stress as well because my salary is basically enough to cover my bills and expenses and I didn't want to have to go into savings to help him out and that made him feel unloved. I just didn't feel comfortable paying his back taxes (close to $3,000) when we weren't married. Then I resented him making me feel like I was being selfish about it. Anyway, we've had a lot of arguments over finances especially in the beginning of our relationship, and I admit that did not put me at ease. I just didn't feel like I needed to be responsible for his bills.
You are a smart woman! Good for you!
-
asleif_dufansdottir
Emily, my dear,
Ending a relationship, even a bad one, is *never* easy. It sounds like you're waiting for the 'final straw' that will cut your heart off from him totally and you'll never look back. Stop waiting for that, that's not how it works.
A year ago, you'd have probably said that any number of the things that have already happened would be a 'final straw' for you, but they haven't been, have they? If it was a girlfriend of yours, instead of you, you'd have probably advised her that any one of the things you've told us was 'final straw' material.
No matter how much you bail him out, he'll always get into deeper and deeper problems. Thank the universe you haven't given him your savings!!!
There is no last straw. No matter how bad the abuse (emotional, mental, physical, financial) there are always women ready to take men back...sometimes from Intensive Care units where the men put them!! The heart always softens. There's always that time, when the memory of the pain fades and you're thinking of the good times (and trust me, the rarer they are the more women treasure them as proof), that you cave and take him back. In addiction, there's always the urge for 'one more time...one last time.'
The only way to get out is to say, "It Stops Here. It Stops Now. No matter how I FEEL, this relationship ends NOW." And ACT on this! Make the decision and stick to it no matter how hard it is, no matter how much you love him at the moment, no matter how you feel.
Don't hem and haw, don't try to end it a little at a time. Do Not, for God's Sake, wait for the 'right time.' There is no right time. Only now. Every minute past now is a minute wasted in an abusive relationship.
Just End It. Tell *him* it's over and that's final. Tell your family, tell your friends, that it's OVER and you need them to help you not cave in. Leave town or at least leave your house for as many days as you can.
Mourn the loss of your hopes and dreams for the relationship. Call your girlfriends up, get a couple of bottles of wine or whatever, and go through your pictures and mementos and have a good cry...then burn or put in storage anything that might cause you to relent and take him back...this is a funeral for the relatioship, remember. It's over and there's no going bck.
Then get on with your life and keep away from him , and keep him away from you...at all costs.
-
jelcat8224
I just read this entire thread and Emily dear, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT. listen REAL HARD to what everyone here is telling you. This is unhealthy on EVERY LEVEL! I know it's easier cuz we are on the outside looking in and we can all see it so much clearer. We can see it in each of your posts how miserable this man and this relationship is. If you don't get out now you WILL live with this constant paranoia, always with someone looking over your shoulder, putting thier nose in your business and looking for something to 'report'. It's utterly rediculous. And besides the ramifications of joining this organization, there are also the ramifications of your 'abusive', 'unstable', and unhealthy relationship. You say you keep waiting for him to 'get himself together'. Sweetheart, if that has not happened for him after two marriages and becoming a father, I don't see how it will EVER happen. You need to think about YOU right now. Take care of yourself! Stop feeling responsible for the drama HE has created in his life! You have NOTHING to do with his problems. I wish you all the luck in the world in shutting this man and the 'organization' out of your life for good!
-
Xena
There are so many red flags it's hard to know where to start....
3nd marriage?
Have to become a JW to marry him?
Lying about the relationship?
Trying to scare you into submission?
Expecting you to support him?
Geez don't worry about what you may or may not have said...just hope and pray that it causes him to break up with you if you don't have the gumption to break it off yourself.
-
Cordelia
ignore what i said before i didnt realise he was like that, and you may feel wrong for lying (tho i think you should deny things for someone you really love so they dont lose their family)#
BUT he just sounds awful and dont dare give him money (i've been there too!!!)
-
Fred E Hathaway
For him to have Jehovah's blessing, he needs to come completely clean with the elders and have his words and actions match with his age and responsibilities. You're getting Jehovah's blessing by facing up to real life and learning how to make better choices in life, including not enabling other people's infidelity to Jehovah (including being upfront with him, since the head of a woman is a man) and by continuing your spiritual progress, whether it means marrying him or ditching him. Remember that, if you marry him, you become under his law (this was the subject of yesterday's public Watchtower discussion). How will your relationship with him affect your relationship with Jehovah? It may ironically mean that, he's in a disfellowshipped state while you get baptized as a JW. Keep working with a clean conscience yourself and those who have the integrity to do the same. Anything else is just compromise.
By the way, he's responsible for his actions and you're responsible for yours. You don't want to be unevenly yoked with an unbeliever. It works that way too.
-
tijkmo
fred...what are you talking about??
-
asleif_dufansdottir
(including being upfront with him, since the head of a woman is a man) and by continuing your spiritual progress, whether it means marrying him or ditching him. Remember that, if you marry him, you become under his law (this was the subject of yesterday's public Watchtower discussion).
Oh, Yeah. By all means remember that.
Emily, in case you don't know it, Fred here is an active believing JW who, for whatever reasons, posts here. Reading his post it occurred to me that maybe you haven't realized the full meaning of being a JW woman. They don't just talk about this stuff...they mean it. If you become a JW, or, even if you are an unbelieving woman married to a JW man (I was in that boat, once, very, very bad), you are expected, by the man and by the congregation, to do exactly what he says, no matter what he says, unless it goes against what the society says (ie-if he says, "don't go to meetings" or "don't go out in field service" you obey the society not the husband).
In other words, if you got married and he told you to hand over your life savings and your salary, as a JW woman you'd have to do it. If he told you never to speak to friends or family again, you'd have to do what he said. If he told you to scrub the kitchen floor on your hands and knees instead of using a mop, you'd have to do that. If he wanted to take your salary and spend it for himself, and give you an 'allowance' out of it (or not), that'd be OK. The elders would back him up on this. If he got mad at you for something that was "your fault" and beat you up, not only would you be told to be more submissive and pray harder, you'd be told to keep it from the police so as not to 'bring reproach on Jehovah'.
Just in case you've never heard the phrase (JWs are very careful about what people who are "newly interested" or "studying" hear about what it's like to be a JW until they're 'hooked'), JW men are referred to as their wife's "Husbandly owner."
That's right. Owner.
You wanna be "owned" by this man? Or any JW man?
Think I'm exaggerating? Think again.
-
R.Crusoe
Tell him you told her if you want trust between you both. Explain you regret having done so and if you care for him make him know it. Then you'll know how connected you both are - and help return all of what is between you both back to where it should be - between you both! Life's a conundrum of complex situations in relationships and we're all trying to successfully deal with them but fail time and again -put your trust in those close to you and build it strong. If that fails then it wasn't meant to be -for all sorts of reasons! That's the only advice my heart holds. Others have other methods which I don't get! Be strong and go with your own heart - whatever it might be telling you - don't deny yourself! I've done that with most of my life - mixed up thoughts controlling everything I do instead of rodeoing my beating heart!!!!