In most churches you could have been honest with the priest or minister about your problems with your fiance and the clergy member would probably have counseled the two of you, if that is what you both wanted, but there would have been no repercussions, no punishment, But in the JW organization disfellowship is a real possibility. So my advice, do not marry him while he is still tied to the JW religion and do not ask him to leave. He needs to make the decision to leave on his own.
I think I did a really bad thing.
by emilyblue 83 Replies latest social relationships
-
-
Gerard
There are so many wrong things with this situation that I can not beguin to list them all. This is a mind-controling religious cult! Don't get onboard for someone's sake. Hellooooo ...... wife #3 ...... the pattern is not right.
Realize that now he is not a healthy or functional individual. In addition, he is a member of a collective, which he needs AND fears simultaneously. There is nothing you can do for him as he is not even trying to exit, but drag you down a path to gradually renounce to your privacy and your individuality until no trace is left of critical thinking and all hope and souvenir of happines vanishes.
Choose your battles. Realize that you are not 'saving' him nor you are getting a man; You are getting a programed -and seemingly- confused interface to a religious cult. I wish I could be gentle and explain you softly in this time of pain and hurt. But lady, you are flirting not just with a deadly cult that will sacrifice your children without a second thought (Re: blood transfusion), but with an unbalanced man without mental and social stability. You know what you have to do. I see the way you write and I see a well educated person with intelligence. You have done NOTHING wrong and you have tried enough. Get a friend nearby, and finish this unfair and dangerous relationship in one defining motion, and don't ever look back. By the way, cancell all Bible studies and be very asertive about it and hang up when done, as JWs train for YEARS to envelope people undergoing a crisis like yours.
No matter what he replies back, you'll look back one day and will be proud of doing the right thing. I promise you.
Respectfuly,
Gerard
-
J-ex-W
Get a friend nearby, and finish this unfair and dangerous relationship in one defining motion, and don't ever look back. By the way, cancell all Bible studies and be very asertive about it and hang up when done, as JWs train for YEARS to envelope people undergoing a crisis like yours.
No matter what he replies back, you'll look back one day and will be proud of doing the right thing. I promise you.
Respectfuly,
Gerard
As the one who DIDN'T do this all those years ago.............I say,
DEFINITELY DO
all that this says........................
A MUCH better life awaits you!!
-
emilyblue
All right, it's over. My head is spinning, but I am filled with a weird sense of relief. He called me today at lunch and one minute he told me it was ok and he forgave me for my stupidity and the next he was lashing out at me. I don't really think he even knows how he feels. He said again that I screwed him royally and I complicated everything. I am sorry for causing him more problems, but if he already confessed to his elders, then I don't see how I could have screwed him anymore than he has already screwed himself. He said that now he is going to have to call his ex-wife and tell her so she knows she's free. I really don't get this whole process. Divorce is hard enough as it is, I would think. He sent me a text message after our phone conversation and said he forgave me, he just needed a break because he was really confused and needed to pray to figure out what the right thing is. On the phone, when he said that I betrayed him and he could never trust me, I agreed with him and said I understood he was better off without me and I wouldn't contact him anymore. Basically I agreed with him about how ignorant I was just to see if it would calm him down, and because I know he is reacting this way primarily out of fear of what is going to happen to him. After I said I understood we can't be together, he told me he never said that and asked me why I was acting like this was the end of the world. He said he just needed some time because he feels very confused by my actions. I am done being turned inside-out over this.
-
jgnat
I guess his involvement with me made is scriptural, even though it took place after he has already been divorced.
Wrong. What he did was wrong according to all he believed. Sex outside of marriage. Nevermind what his marital status was at the time. He had made NO COVENANT WITH YOU. He continues to abuse you, accusing you of being a liar and untrustworthy. THERE IS NO WAY you can have a relationship with someone so mistrustful.
I want to be the woman who is at his side when he finally realizes this life isn't so bad after all.
Oh, man he so does NOT deserve you. When does a pessimist EVER see the bright side?
I told him over the phone because I am a big fat chicken.
No, because you have a healthy sense of self-preservation. Do you have an instinctive fear of how he might lash out, if provoked? There might be a reason for that!
He said I really screwed him.
He screwed up his own life. You are just the latest in a long line of women he has blamed for his own problems. If he hadn't had sex with you, if he hadn't kept you hidden away, he would not have to fear the elders now.
NOW, I'll repeat what I said on your other thread. I am SICK AND TIRED of hearing all about HIS problems. Tell me more about you. Your interests, hobbies, and activities. You sound like a doll.
-
jgnat
To give you an idea what a weasel he is, I too fell in love with a JW. We eventually married. He, too, tried to keep me a secret from the elders.
THE BIG DIFFERENCE is that he knew he would have to take his lumps eventually. HE DECIDED it was better to be with me for a short time on this earth, risking his ETERNAL LIFE, than to live without me. He was deeply in love with me then, he's still deeply in love with me now.
HE'S FACED restriction and discipline from the hall when it all came out in the open. HE NEVER BLAMED ME. Six years later, he's still on restriction, and still with me.
I have no doubt where HIS loyalties lie.
-
emilyblue
Thank you, jgnat. Here is a little about me. I was born and raised in Texas, and all my family live there. My mom died about three and half years ago, and I miss her very much. She was usually my voice of reason. It's weird but I feel like I need her more now as an adult than I ever did while I was growing up. My dad remarried and is very happy. I have a difficult relationship with him because he has such an overbearing personality, but he has really mellowed out the last couple of years. My two brothers are both happily married and I have a niece and a nephew who I adore. I need to get their Easter baskets put together and ready to mail. After graduating college, I moved to California. It was an impulsive decision that I made at a job fair for teachers, but one that has helped me gain a lot of experience with working with students who speak limited English. For some reason, I can't figure out how to break this into paragraphs. I skip a line, but it doesn't show up like that in my post. Anyway, my friends tell me I am the most festive person they know, and I'm not sure if they mean that as a compliment because I go a little overboard on the holidays. I use any occasion as an excuse to bake and decorate cupcakes. A Halloween tradition of mine is to put up and decorate my Christmas tree. I had a little too much to drink at a Halloween party one year and decided to put the tree up, and I've been doing it ever since. It used to freak David out because when he would tell me that holiday celebrations were pagan, I would tell him I was aware of the history behind holidays but I didn't care that they had pagan origins. It's not like I'm worshipping my pumpkin or my tree. He would then say that he couldn't believe that I didn't care what the bible said. Ok back to me. I have two very small dogs, a runty little shihtzu and a chihuahua mix. They're my babies, and I'm so glad I have them! They're probably as neurotic as I am, but that's ok. My shih tzu had to have one of her eyes removed last summer after I moved to Oregon. I came home from dinner one night and her eye was bulging out of its socket. We still have no idea what happened, because there was no sign of anything that could have caused it. That was the second worst experience of my life, after my mom's death. I felt so helpless to see my dog in pain and not being able to explain to her what was going on. But she was as happy as ever once she finally got to stop wearing the cone around her neck. Dogs have no vanity or self-pity. I could learn a lot from them, I guess. I am so sorry about not having paragraphs! I'll stop here until I figure that out.
-
Odrade
Emily, sorry about your little dog. I hear it happens like that sometimes with "bug-eyed" breeds.
I'm very, very glad you broke up with this abuser. Stay away. Now I'm going to tell you something very seriously. Be careful. He sounds like a powder keg. The first weeks after breaking up with such an unstable person can be very dangerous. If he follows you, calls you repeatedly, shows up at your work or comes around and tries to get into your home, document it, and call the police. Get a restraining order. Move. Whatever it takes.
My aunties best friend has a dead daughter because nobody believed her ex-boyfriend would really hurt her.
-
Odrade
p.s. you can make paragraphs by putting this in: [p], except change the [ for an angle bracket. (can't make the sign because I get an error message)
-
jgnat
She was usually my voice of reason. It's weird but I feel like I need her more now as an adult than I ever did while I was growing up.
I think I understand. I lost my beloved stepmom last year. She was more mother to me than my own could be. I still hear her voice, especially when I dress or do my hair. She always wanted me to look bold and strong, not frumpy. Maybe you hear the small voice of your mother even now. Heed it.
My dad remarried and is very happy. I have a difficult relationship with him because he has such an overbearing personality, but he has really mellowed out the last couple of years.
My dad, too!
...I need to get their Easter baskets put together and ready to mail....
You are a doll, I knew it! I bet those boys look forward to your baskets every year. Extended family and aunties are so important to the fabric of family.
...with working with students who speak limited English.
You are a giver. And very patient, too.
Anyway, my friends tell me I am the most festive person they know, and I'm not sure if they mean that as a compliment because I go a little overboard on the holidays. I use any occasion as an excuse to bake and decorate cupcakes. A Halloween tradition of mine is to put up and decorate my Christmas tree.
So what they might think, we all need festive people in our lives. It makes you outstanding in a crowd. You sound like a lot of fun.
I have two very small dogs, a runty little shihtzu and a chihuahua mix. They're my babies, and I'm so glad I have them! ....But she was as happy as ever once she finally got to stop wearing the cone around her neck.
Nurturer times three. You are a nurturer. Nurturers should not marry rescue jobs. Find a guy who has his act together and run an orphanage together.
Dogs have no vanity or self-pity. I could learn a lot from them, I guess.
Well, a few little self-deprecating statements scattered about, and a little too much about the loves of your life but THERE. More about YOU finally. Good for you.
BTW, you won't be able to make paragraphs if you are using a Mac. Sorry, has to do with the forum software. You can try breaking up your posts, or just make us take our time reading it.