It's hard when we don't live by our own standards. We choose our own consequences, after all. You found a friend that he doesn't like. It tells a lot about him when he can't accept your choices.
I think I did a really bad thing.
by emilyblue 83 Replies latest social relationships
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J-ex-W
Better cry for a month and move on than be afraid and misserable the rest of your life.
YES---1,000 times yes!!!
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J-ex-W
There's no point in feeling bad about the relationship ending on a bad note, because with a person like this there is no way to end it on a good one.
Truer words have never been spoken....
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J-ex-W
Break up with him, block his number, and tell him not to contact you ever again. Then do the same thing with the woman you're studying with. *When* he shows up at your home or work freaking out (and he will), refuse to talk to him and call the cops. Then get a restraining order. Do not let him drag you back in. Treat this relationship like the dangerous and life threatening addiction it is, and cut it off.
You may not emotionally ready, as yet, to draw such a hard line as this one...but eventually, you MAY be ready--and when you are...these A-R-E the steps to take.........
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Sunspot
There's no point in feeling bad about the relationship ending on a bad note, because with a person like this there is no way to end it on a good one. He's always going to have something wrong in his life, and want people to pity him and treat him special...and get mad at them if they don't, and blame them for what's going wrong.
I think by now you realize this....and you also realize this guy is a loser. You deserve better than this....and HE does not deserve a wife #3 in his book until he grows up and stops blaming everyone around him for HIS stupidity.
You really need to cut the ties and move on as quickly as possible. He will cause you nothing but problems until then. I am being truthful about this for your own good. You can SEE what your future would be like if you let him stick around. Let us know how you are doing.....
hugs,
Annie
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Anti-Christ
I think by now you realize this....and you also realize this guy is a loser. You deserve better than this....and HE does not deserve a wife #3 in his book until he grows up and stops blaming everyone around him for HIS stupidity.
You really need to cut the ties and move on as quickly as possible. He will cause you nothing but problems until then. I am being truthful about this for your own good. You can SEE what your future would be like if you let him stick around. Let us know how you are doing.....
Great words of wisdom. Do not be afraid to trust them.
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J-ex-W
including being upfront with him, since the head of a woman is a man) and by continuing your spiritual progress, whether it means marrying him or ditching him. Remember that, if you marry him, you become under his law (this was the subject of yesterday's public Watchtower discussion).
Oh, Yeah. By all means remember that.
Emily, in case you don't know it, Fred here is an active believing JW who, for whatever reasons, posts here. Reading his post it occurred to me that maybe you haven't realized the full meaning of being a JW woman. They don't just talk about this stuff...they mean it. If you become a JW, or, even if you are an unbelieving woman married to a JW man (I was in that boat, once, very, very bad), you are expected, by the man and by the congregation, to do exactly what he says, no matter what he says, unless it goes against what the society says (ie-if he says, "don't go to meetings" or "don't go out in field service" you obey the society not the husband).
In other words, if you got married and he told you to hand over your life savings and your salary, as a JW woman you'd have to do it. If he told you never to speak to friends or family again, you'd have to do what he said. If he told you to scrub the kitchen floor on your hands and knees instead of using a mop, you'd have to do that. If he wanted to take your salary and spend it for himself, and give you an 'allowance' out of it (or not), that'd be OK. The elders would back him up on this. If he got mad at you for something that was "your fault" and beat you up, not only would you be told to be more submissive and pray harder, you'd be told to keep it from the police so as not to 'bring reproach on Jehovah'.
Just in case you've never heard the phrase (JWs are very careful about what people who are "newly interested" or "studying" hear about what it's like to be a JW until they're 'hooked'), JW men are referred to as their wife's "Husbandly owner."
That's right. Owner.
You wanna be "owned" by this man? Or any JW man?
Think I'm exaggerating? Think again.
Yep.
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Balsam
Emilyblue,
This JW guy has been living in a high control religious organization. He does not know anything but secrecy and being phoney. Honey your better off without this guy he is bad news entirely. He is likely abusive if not physically for sure emotionally abusive.
Balsam
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J-ex-W
Just for the record, even though I'm not a JW, I wasn't raised to think sex outside of marriage is ok. He asked me to marry him pretty early into the relationship, and I loved him so much and I thought we would be married soon, so I did it. I think that's one of the reasons why this is hurting so much.
I wasn't saying you were raised to believe sex outside of marriage is okay, Hon. I'm saying you decided--as you have every right to do--that sex, as an expression of your love, was okay in this instance. Nothing wrong with that. And yes...that would make his [and her] responses all the more confusing and painful after the fact. If you want to stay with this man, you might as well get used to the responses not being congruent with the original action (i.e., the 'punishment' not fitting the supposed 'crime'). Plenty more insanity where this came from. Every word out of his mouth after you told him of your conversation with the sister was an echo of my ex-husband. Abusers operate according to a very predictable, recognizable pattern, Hon. Cookie-cutter. You will actually learn to becomeBORED seeing such things, once you learn the pattern...that's how predictable the words/ actions/ experiences become--once you've learned to recognize and identify it 'on your feet,' as it were. [in the moment] Once you've educated yourself thoroughly on the subject [abuser-victim tactics and dynamics], there will be no looking at this man the same way again. The poster who compared his mindset to a self-centered 4-year-old hit the nail on the head...2-year-old or even 6-year-old could suffice as well--the point is, he HASN'T grown up emotionally and is simply a preschool age brain/ emotional capacity walking around in a large man-sized body. (very deceptive, really, and confusing--until you learn to recognize the similarities and expect that) Think of it in these terms: Would you ever date someone you knew to be, at best, at an I.Q. level of around 70 [borderline retardation level]? Because, Hon--a man like this--his E.Q. (emotional quotient, emotional intelligence) hovers right around there--at best. He will A-L-W-A-Y-S be at that level compared to your more advanced level of emotional understanding, even if he starts taking responsibilty for, and taking a concerted look at, his own behavior (and that's a big 'if !'). You will always be leap years ahead of him! --Talk about being unevenly yoked!! Honey, everything you do--right or wrong--will always be presented to you as if YOU are in the wrong...he is the 'wounded party'...and YOU need to be the one to adjust yourself in order for things to get better/ make him happy. These are HIS rules of life, period. He is looking for the mate who will live by this set of rules. Don't be the one to do this for him. You will get smart. You will leave him. You will grieve for the lost hopes and dreams but eventually find a new, and healthy, love because you got smart and learned to set your OWN rules--rules that benefit and respect both people in the relationship. He will stay dumb. You will leave him. He will grieve for the lost hopes and dreams...but his 'grieving' will look like a two-year-old's tantrums and manipulative attempts to get his way with you even still...and then to blame/ hate the other person [doesn't matter that it's you, in this instance, because this is NOT just his response to conflict with you--it's his response to conflict, period]. He will eventually find a new unsuspecting, inexperienced one to regale with his woeful tales of betrayal and disappointment by wives/ girlfriends who were not submissive enough to elicit Jehovah's blessing upon their unions. And he will attempt to impose the same set of insidious and overbearing rules opon her. Oh, Honey!! There is not a single thing you did wrong in reaching out, as you did, for support. Talking to this sister was not wrong. He is concerned for protecting his own [false] public/ congregation image--not for your welfare. This will NOT change. It simply will NOT. I'm sorry...I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Please...cut your losses.................................You protected your bankbook--good for you!! Now protect your well being. [He's not of a mind to do it!] (((((((((((((((((((((( emilyblue )))))))))))))))))))))))
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SPAZnik
Emily,
Why aren't YOU putting a stop to this? What do you need?
Google the Taj Mahal. Take a good hard look at it. THAT is the sort of thing a man in love is capable of.
Do a really good thing and get yourself some qualified professional support.
SPAZ