What's brought this on? A collision of things - pressure of study, pressure of work, the spiralling red pile of unpayable bills, the realisation that ex Mr C is actually moving on (well good for him - he should be), but I can't abide the thought of him dating - it makes my stomach turn, my heart sink, my head spin and my soul freeze and the pressure of actually having to deal with life by myself.
(((nina))) Reading this bit, I'd tend to agree with purplesofa, you're grieving the loss of Mr C. It seems to be that which is holding everything up. However, grieving does take time and you could do with the minimum of other hassles for now, so see if there's anything you can do to ease the other things.
What is the pressure of work? Is it a particular task or person? Or just the whole lot? Try see if there's anything you can change. Are you able to shuffle your workload around somehow so it isn't so pressured? I sometimes suffer 'immobilisation syndrome' - leave jobs undone until there's a stack to do, then I realise, then I panic - but then I'll take a deep breath, sit down and plan what I'm going to do each day, maybe write a 'to do' list so I can tick off as I go - then at the end of the day, as long as I got most of it done, I can say to myself 'You've done well today!' You can't beat some self-affirmation for lifting the spirit!
With the studies, do you get a summer break? If not, would you be able to take some time out or slow the pace down - this may mean you have to transfer your credits and studies to another college but the plus side is that the pressure will be less and your grades might improve (assuming you're not all straight A's already! if you are - say to yourself 'you're doing good!' - self-affirmation again)
This is hard and I'm crap at it but ignore me lol! - time-management!!! Work time, study time, you-time, sleep time. You don't have to keep a rigid routine but do try and allocate periods for each of these - it will give you some stability in life and you'll be able to see more clearly.
Don't let the red letters get out of hand. Your rent and rates are most important, then your utilities - but they really don't like cutting people off (and the water people aren't allowed to by law), if you're in trouble with those please phone them soon - they should be quite helpful in arranging smaller payments for you. If you're beyond this point and the debts are out of control, see a debt advisor, but be careful which you choose as some of them will charge for their 'services'. Speak to the Citizen's Advice Bureau, or if there's a CAP centre near you, I'd definitely recommend them (Yes it's a Christian run charity but please don't let it put you off - they are well respected in secular circles and were prime movers in getting the national minimum wage increased) http://www.capuk.org/help/how-we-can-help
The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is wish that I hadn't and then I walk to work with wet eyes.
You have at least a hundred reasons here on JWD why it's worth going on and fighting back - that'll do you for starters!
Luckily I have a split personality (did anyone see James Nesbitt in Jekyll and Hyde at the weekend? - awesome) so there is the other side of me which takes great pleasure in my pain and can have a good laugh at the pathetic self-pitying crumpet above. However the last few days I have felt my Hyde/hide not so thick skinned and not very good at bringing me out of this.
When I was in counselling, every time I had bad thoughts about myself or bad situations, I'd laugh - my counsellor picked up on that very quickly. I was using the laughter to cover up the pain and guilt I felt. Gradually, I laughed less and less until one day the lid blew off the bottle that held all that pain and I cried and cried. I'm sensing you might be close to something like this. And who's telling you you're pathetic and self-pitying? Is it the real adult you or 'someone' locked in your head from your past? If it's the latter, learn to question it - is it true? If it isn't, tell yourself so - self affirmation again!
Ok I've rambled enough - hardly a postcard answer either but I hope there are some nuggets of inspiration for you (maybe amongst some other 'nuggets' lol!)
Keep up the fight!!
