I don't want to end the marriage with my husband if I can avoid it. However, it's been made very clear to me that if any adultery was ever committed on my part that the marriage would be over and I believe him. So, as far as maintaining that relationship - it's pointless, even with a marriage counselor. Even though I do appreciate the advice of the counselor, my husband is unreasonable. My husband told his brother that he's not happy about me going to the hall but at least I am faithful to him. The one thing that he thought he could rely on me for is the one thing that I couldn't provide for him.
any former elders have an answer for me?
by helricha 63 Replies latest jw friends
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AlmostAtheist
>>I don't want to end the marriage with my husband if I can avoid it.
>> as far as maintaining that relationship - it's pointless, even with a marriage counselor.I'm confused as to your intentions. Are you saying you'd like to stay married, but you simply are not going to be able to do so because of your husband's reaction to the adultery? Or are you considering not telling him about it, and staying married based on a lie?
If YOU want to be married to him, and you intend to be faithful from this point forward, and you think you can live with that secret, then not telling him is an option. I'm sure not everyone would agree with this -- it's just my opinion. Some people are -- I agree with your term for it -- unreasonable. It's one thing to "live a lie" and sleep with several people behind his back. It's another thing to have done it once, know you won't do it again, and not share that information because you think his reaction will be out of proportion to what was done.
We're not talking best case scenario, we're talking about survival. Moving forward with the least damage.
>> Even though I do appreciate the advice of the counselor, my husband is unreasonable.
Don't write the counselor idea off entirely. It still couldn't hurt to get their expert opinion.
>>My husband told his brother that he's not happy about me going to the hall
Why does your going to the hall make him unhappy?
Dave
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helricha
Ok so I do love my husband but I just made a mistake the one time and don't have any intention of doing it again. So when I tried to tell him about it 2 days ago I told him all of that and that I would do anything to make it work and he was just like "It's over and you have to leave now".
I do want it to work and I will do what it takes but then I think that it may be easier to let it go, even though it will be difficult. So what do I really want? I don't know. In the big scheme of things, I want to have a good relationship with Jehovah. I've been trying to do that for 8 years without success. I don't see the point of trying to have a relationship with a man who is going to be unforgiving if I can't even have a relationship with Jehovah, who is all forgiving. Also, I hate change so moving out will be hard.
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Vinny
I was an elder for several years up until just recently when I learned many things about the WT Society that I never knew before, which gave me no choice but to walk away from the faith. Before you go back to the Kingdom Hall, I'd like encourage you to read my story found here:
And there are literally hundreds of thousands similar today.
My wife, a 20 year Witness, also left just last year after learning the facts as they truly are. My step daughter was a regular Pioneer when I left, and she is now out altogether too. As is my son. One step son is still in and he shuns us all, being married into a Nazi-like Witness like family where the matriarch claims anointed status and is gung-ho for JW'ism to an extreme.
That said, and I hope you do examine the faith a much more carefully; but if you do decide to go back, then you should do it 100 percent, IMO.
Tell the elders everything.
Tell your husband everything.
Apologize, apologize apologize to your husband. Even if he wants to separate. Many times they really just need you to grovel for a while. And if you do want to stay married, then you probably should do a lot of groveling and humbling. Cheating after just two weeks of marriage is a tough pill to swallow for any person.
You may have to pay significant consequences for your actions here. But many before you have done even worse and in time been forgiven by their mates, by others, been reinstated and lived happy enough lives thereafter.
Whatever you do with the JW's, I still personally think you'd be better off at least telling your husband the truth.
I know I'd would want to know.
Good luck! Feel free to let us know what happens.
All the best,
Vinny
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helricha
Oh and I have no idea why my husband doesn't like it that I go to the hall. Maybe his mom said negative things about it. Other than that, there is nothing about the hall that affects him. I always have dinner ready for him even if I'm not there. So I'm unsure.
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5go
You are pretty much stuck I my opinion.
You need to get some help from a real counselor ( Not just a marriage one no offence intended ) not a web board. You need to iron out some issues and priorities. Then maybe you can get your hubby involved if he will do it. Otherwise you going to live a lie for the rest of your life.
Of all the people to give that advice. 5go
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penny2
Why don't you just let things settle before you do anything. Then once they settle, you can make some plans.
To answer your original questions, yes, the elders won't be happy until you've confessed everything. You will feel guilty if you don't confess everything. They will expect you to tell your husband.
I have heard this story more than a few times from new ppl
worldtraveller, you'll see this story a lot because it happens a lot. She's just human.
penny2
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cognizant dissident
I'm going to do a little amateur psychoanalysis here.
Do you not find it strange that you lived with your boyfriend and didn't cheat on him, but when you were pressured into marrying him by the WTBTS rules, you cheated on him shortly afterwards? You know he will absolutely not tolerate such behaviour and the relationship would be over and yet you did it, anyways. Now, you say he is unreasonable.
Perhaps, and only you can search your heart and know if this is true, you didn't really want to marry him and did so out of pressure to conform? Then you cheated, as sort of a rebellion against it?
It really sounds to me like YOU don't know what YOU want! As someone else mentioned, if you really want to be a part of the WTBTS, then go for it 100%. You wouldn't even have to ask anyone on an apostate board if you should confess. You would know very well what you have to do to be well and truly accepted by JW's and Jehovah. You have to do everything the elders tell you to do.
You also seem to know very well that telling the truth, entails losing your marriage. What you don't really know is whether you want the marriage or not.
My advice is forget about what your husband wants, forget about what the elder's want. Get some personal counseling to help you figure out what you want and then you will know what to do. If you try to get reinstated, then don't bother with the counseling because your entire life will be doing what other people (the elders) tell you to do until you die!
Cog
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yknot
Number 1, you do not need to confess to the Elders. You confess to Jehovah directly through Jesus. No Elder can offer forgivness. (PS I cannot find anything in the Flock book saying you have to confess wrongdoings while DFd, you have to repent for your actions that led to the DFing only. Being that you are married to the guy, should work in your favor.)
Number 2 You need to make the decision on what is best for your marriage and your sanity. Would you want to know, would you want to remain ignorant? This is a tough decision you are facing. Both directions have consequences, so weigh your options carefully.
Number 3 If you want to be reinstated, stick to the reason for the DFing.
Best Wishes,
Y
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helricha
Vinny - wow. I read your ENTIRE letter. Obviously it took a while. That was crazy long. You have some very interesting things that I am going to look into myself.
cognizant dissident - I guess I didn't think of this as an apostate site. I just thought of it as people who have been in or known of situations that I'm going through and have been in. It's not like I can ask somebody at the hall. As far as the other stuff, I did cheat on him while we were together. (I know I'm a horrible person) The main reason that I married him was because I wanted to get reinstated eventually. (I know that makes me a horrible person too) I was on the fence about whether or not I should marry him. So I finally decided to because we had been together for so long and I knew that I wouldn't feel good if I was without him. (I've known him for 12 years and have been in love with him for that long. I wasn't raised in the truth).
You're probably right, I don't know what I want. I was having this problem that I didn't know if I wanted to be with him so I did go see a counselor. I don't know if she was considered "good" or not but she was NO HELP at all. She basically just told me all the things I already knew. It was seriously a waste of my time.
My whole thing is not about what I say to the elders but about my relationship with Jehovah. If my conscience will allow me to NOT tell them something and to still maintain a good relationship with Jehovah then that's what I DO WANT. If it won't and I have to tell them then that's what I have to do. I just want enough opinions from people who aren't "wordly" in the sense that they have no freakin idea what I'm talking about. And like I said, it's not like i can ask anyone at the hall.
Thanks for all the responses.