any former elders have an answer for me? (page 4)

helricha

Penny,

Thanks I really needed what you said because I feel like I'm breaking out of my skin. I feel like if I don't do something about it right now that I'm going to explode. I just needed someone to tell me to chill.

penny2

I know I'm a horrible person

Just because you made some mistakes - doesn't mean you are a horrible person. If you look in the bible - look at all the things King David did. And you haven't arranged for someone to be killed to cover up your mistakes.

You made some decisions which you regret. There must have been a reason why you made those decisions at the time. You shouldn't have to pay for that years after.

helricha

I definitely can say that I haven't arranged to have someone murdered to cover up my mistakes. I have the mind that I don't know if the mistakes are because I'm wicked or because I'm weak. Maybe not horrible but not up to par.

cognizant dissident

Being a "horrible person" or "weak" has nothing to do with it. Those are just stories some people told you about certain behaviour. They are not "true" just because someone else says they are. They are prime examples of JW conditioning of guilt and shame. That's how they control people. They make them feel bad and guilty about themselves, and hold out their version of "truth" as the only escape from those feelings. The real truth is that you will continue to feel that way as long as you continue to associate with JW's and others who think like them. You will never be good enough to feel good about yourself. I know, I was raised as one and lived the life for 40+ years.

If YOU truly think cheating and lying is wrong, then don't do it anymore. Simple as that. No excuses. No answering to anyone. No confessing to others. No punishment from God needed to keep you in line. Live up to your own moral code and you will feel good about yourself regardless of what anyone else thinks or says or does.

If YOU are not sure if you want to have a monogomous relationship with someone, then tell them that upfront. Either they will continue to date you or they won't. Of course, then they are free to date others also. That's their choice. If you want to have a monogomous sexual relationship but aren't sure about marriage, and your partner feels the same, then good enough. You owe no one else an explanation. If you want to be married and cheat, then find a partner who feels the same (not sure what would be the point of that). There is no sky god who is going to punish you for your choices. You will simply reap the consequences of your actions, no less, no more.

Of course, if you want to ignore all that and continue to devote yourself to the JW religion, then go for it. There are consequences to be paid for that too, like childlike submission, irresponsibility and guilt.

The trouble is you can't do whatever you want and then get out of the consequences. If you marry a man who is adamant about fidelity and then cheat on him, why do you think you can escape the consequences to the relationship? You choose the consequence when you choose the action. You may lose your marriage. Learn from it and move on and make more skillful decisions in the future. It will help you in making wise decisions if you drop all the guilt and religious stories and ask yourself, does this decision help me to achieve the goals I have set for myself? If not, then why are you doing it?

Know thyself!

Cog

penny2

I know firsthand what the feeling of guilt can do to you. You start thinking in circles, lose sleep and the problem gets bigger and bigger in our mind. This can sometimes cause our thinking to go astray and lead to depression or anxiety.

You have nothing to lose by setting it aside for now. In the whole scheme of things, does it matter whether you speak to the elders now or in six months? In the meantime you can still go to meetings if you wish.

As they always say, Jehovah can read your heart. As a Jehovah's Witness, that's what counts.

While you are setting it aside, take time out to enjoy yourself with your husband - that may help you get your joy in life back!

penny

Vinny

"There is no sky god who is going to punish you for your choices. You will simply reap the consequences of your actions, no less, no more. "

***** Many don't agree with that! And obviously Helricha does not either.

Sounds like you have a clear enough state of mind, Helricha, to figure things out. No reason to rush anything.

cognizant dissident

Well, I realize she doesn't believe there is no God, I just thought I would put a radically alternative way of looking at things before her. I know it helped me immensely to get rid of all the guilt and anxiety when I dropped belief in stories I had been taught as a child but which were going against what my own actual experience was.

She can take it or leave it. I'm all about the choices .

Cog

funkyderek

helricha:

So my question is not for the sake of just getting reinstated because I know how to do that - I've been through the process before. I need to know that if I want to salvage a relationship with Jehovah, is that what is expected?

Jehovah doesn't care if you committed adultery or even if you conceal it as long as you're not part of a JW congregation at the time. You'll have to tell the elders, of course, they enjoy salacious gossip but you don't have to tell your husband because he's not a JW and is therefore not entitled to such information.

Dansk

Helricha:

Ok so I do love my husband but I just made a mistake the one time and don't have any intention of doing it again.

Look at it from your husband's point of view. In my eyes you've committed the ultimate betrayal. My wife is my best friend. If she ever committed adultery I'd be devastated and would never take her back. Others, of course, have had the experience and taken their spouse back. That's their decision and I respect it. I wouldn't say they are wrong only that I couldn't do it. Your husband may feel the same.

You say you love your husband but that you made a mistake. I don't know your background, whether you have issues none of knows about. I can only read "adultery" and put into the context of my own situation. You may have had "good reason" for doing what you did because of factors none of us here knows about. It's difficult, therefore, to give you a straight answer..............................

but in the case of Jehovah, have you truly read the Bible or the many heart-breaking posts here. Jehovah is anything but a sincere, loving and forgiving God. He's downright cruel, had a mistress, kills kids and likes to laud it over helpless people. In short, he's a sadistic bully! Do some research and you'll realise you'll be better off NOT being a JW. Your marriage might even improve

I've never been an elder but a M.S.

I wish all the very best,

Ian

katiekitten

Hi I just want to give you a different angle on this.

When I was married I was a JW. I broke my husbands trust, I didnt exactly cheat on him in the strictest sense of the word, but I did break his trust and started the end of the marriage.

He cheated on me in the end (understandably) and I honestly thought I still loved him and didnt want the marriage to end, despite what I had done. I cried and begged him not to leave me, I cause huge scenes, I wanted to kill myself, I couldnt bear to live without him. I really made his life a misery.

Funny thing was, once he had left I realised I really didnt love him, and I was much happier out of the marriage. I honestly think my behaviour was my subconscious telling me I wanted out of the marriage.

At the same time I didnt want to leave the JW's, but I felt so guilty about what I had done that I didnt have the energy to carry on going. And again, I was MUCH happier once I was free of all that religious guilt. Once again I think it was my subconscious telling me I needed to get out of the religion.

I know how you are feeling now, that you dont want to lose your husband, and you dont want to leave Jehovah, but let me tell you the world will not end of both of those things happen. Maybe you did what you did for a reason that you are not consciously aware of.

Maybe, just maybe, your life will get a whole lot better if you tell your husband what you did, get that flat, give yourself some space and forgive yourself, and tell the elders to go coco.

You are not a bad person, you are just a person whose all mixed up, whose made some choices you cant respect (although you may have made them for a reason).

any former elders have an answer for me?

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