JW wife says she loves me more often NOW???? Should I test that?

by oompa 81 Replies latest jw friends

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  Seeker4

  "I will say that, in many ways, my wife and I lead separate lives."
  
  That's what ended up happening with my JW wife and I. I kept a lot of my doubts to myself, and didn't try to convince her differently. She is 3rd generation JW, and extremely close to her parents, and I don't think she'd ever leave that.
  
  What happened to me is that we no longer had the social life we once had. Our Witness friends didn't really want to have anything to do with me. I began developing friendships outside of the WTS. My beautiful wife was still beautiful, but she was now 50-plus pounds heavier than the little blond I'd married, and that definitely affected my passion for her.
  
  A bad combination. I was suddenly being exposed to a lot of attractive women. Women had always liked me, but now there were women who wanted to sleep with me. Eventually I fell in love with someone else, and my marriage was over.
  
  My ex is still a JW, and we get along fairly well, but living seperate lives, especially if the physical desire is no longer there, is really dangerous. I don't know what to tell you, Oompa, just sharing my experience. We went to marriage counseling, and things seemed to work out for a few years, but in the end we lost it. I'm sure it was mainly my fault.
  
  S4
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  seeking help

  First, thank you for this thread.. my god this hits home.

  The level of commitment is unbelievable, there is pain on both sides. It doesn't seem fair and its not I guess.

  I hope to work out my issues as well and get valuable insite from this board.

  good luck..
• 

  OUTLAW

  Seeker4..I had`nt seen my ex for about 10years..What a surprise when I saw her..She gained 100lbs..She didn`t look like my wife anymore..She looked like someone who ate my wife...............OUTLAW
• 

  Switch

  oompa and the rest of you in the same scenario,

  I feel for you guys. I'm pretty new here so I don't know everyone's history. Hubby (MissingLink) and I had some terribly emotional conversations at the end of last year. At the time, I felt terribly alone and was on the verge of being convinced that I was going to have to live as a JW in a divided household. That REALLY didn't appeal cuz my mom was a JW but my dad and brothers weren't, so I'd already lived that scene and knew it wasn't fun. I decided to give my hubby a chance cuz he's been my best friend for two decades. Even though the UN thing and pedophile reports upset me, I still sort of figured there's two sides to every story. I admit they unsettled my faith but weren't the deciding factor. Upon seeing the total misuse of quoting outside sources, that was another story. That settled it for me that if they had to stoop to misquoting sources, then their intentions were NOT in my best interests, did not bring honor to any God, and qualified as lying - which God hates (supposedly).

  I gave my hubby a chance to show me what upset him so much because I knew it was our whole family's future at stake. So, like previous posters have said, there has to be some trust extended.

  Does your wife still see you read WT literature? If so, then maybe you can help her prepare for the upcoming WT article (june 9 -15) Young People, Remember Your Grand Creator Now. It has the Oct. 1, 2005 WT article (about education) in the footnote. So look up the misquotes from the box at the end. I know the Newsweek and American Educator articles are on their own websites. If you need a link, let me know.

  If your wife can rationalize those lies without creating doubt, then I'd love to know how she does that. Does she usually trust people that lie to her? And how much could they actually have right since they can't even write a simple article about education without bias and misquoting? Just some thoughts to ask her.

  Switch
• 

  Quirky1

  F'ing Outlaw! Yer too funny!
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  Awakened at Gilead

  Oomps,

  I'll add my 2 cents here since you mentioned me in your post...and I am in a similar, though definitely not identical situation...

  I am in a similar situation but it has become even more critical since my DA was announced. It is completely official that I cannot spend ANY time with ANY of her friends, and she cannot even contemplate meeting my new friends wince they are either xJW or non-JW. But the "worldly" people that I am meeting I do let them know that I am an XJW (it's hard not to talk about when it's been your whole life for 35 years). So it would be uncomfortable for my wife to be there as I am explaining how JWs really are and my wife will hate this. So we really cannot do anything socially together.

  This hurts (both of us) because we have always been a close couple and have done everything together. My life has never been like OTWO's... my wife gets upset if I tell her I'm going to hang out with some new people, and keeps on implying that I'm looking for a new mate (which I am not going to do while we are together, I do have principles, and sleeping with someone else and then coming home to her is not on my to-do list). I have joined several non-JW meetups and I am getting involved in social activities with non-JWs, since I am definitely shunning material for the dubs.

  So I am coming to the conclusion that I can't stay with her. I actually did ask her what you are contemplating to ask your wife. I asked her to at least look into what I feel. But she refuses to do so. While I don't want to make that the basis for separation or divorce, I am contemplating such since, as I told her the other day, I can't imagine spending the next 30-40 years of my life with someone who views me as their spiritual enemy, part of an "evil slave" apostate class, and who we can spend no social time together with others. We can spend time together, but that's hit or miss... she's great for a bit, then she remembers her cult personality and she's cold... its like living with a Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. I can't handle it anymore so I want out.

  Everyone's situation is different... the relationship is different.. what you can handle socially is different. I was a JW hermit for the past 4 years.. now that I see the reason that I was a JW loner is that was doubting the truth so much I did not want to be around JWs.... so now I want to rejoin the human race... accampanied with someone, or alone... but I can't live in a cave any longer.
• 

  Hope4Others

  I think she is just afraid of losing you.....

  hope4others
• 

  Awakened at Gilead

  I think she is just afraid of losing you.....

  Same goes for my wifes new increased affections for me... now that I'm out she realizes that I don't care what a congregation says, I will follow through on leaving... so now the losing bit is definite threat.. so Ms. Loompa probably feels the same, I agree.

  A@G
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  If you read the tone of my comments, you will see that I fully support
  the decisions of those like A@G. If you are miserable or making the other
  miserable, you have to change things. If certain changes are unacceptable,
  then you may have to seek separate lives totally.

  I just say what I feel and how it works for me. I coach that with enough
  comment to clearly state that it won't work for someone else.

  Seriously, Oompa. You are miserable. The whole JWD that reads your
  threads can vouch for that. Sure, you crack jokes and find little bits of
  joy in life, but you don't have the life you once had. I suggested trying to
  have both of you work on changing things and working on this together,
  and then if that doesn't work, working on your misery separately.

  So I see that you have nothing to lose. I still feel that a strong ultimatum
  like "If you love me..., you will look at this apostate material." won't go over
  well. But carefully phrased or not, do something to move toward happiness.
• 

  Indo_Dude

  Oompa:

  BTW....the entire point of this thread is "it's time to consider going my seperate way!"............and trying to see if there is SOME WAY TO AVOID THAT!!!!!...............thanks for you input Dude.....................oompa

  I certainly don't envy your situation. One thing I will say is that I think most JWs who were married, ended up doing most everything together since the JWs take up so much of your time, you don't get a chance to develop any of your own interests. Her friends were your friends, and vice versa. You can't communicate openly and honestly with her, so I don't really think your relationship will endure. Once communication breaks down, the relationship starts to slide.

  One thing I will mention, that from what I've seen in my older friends both gay and straight, the healthiest relationships seem to be the ones where each partner has their own interests and spends a portion of their daily / weekly lives engaging in those activities separately. With one set of my friends one of them loves to travel, the other hates it. So one takes exotic trips on their own once a year or twice, and the other stays home. Both love it. They do compromise, and take one joint vacation (which has to be in driving distance or a direct, non-stop flight) per year. The one partner accepts his boyfriend hates to travel and allows him to stay home even though he would prefer him to come along. Likewise, the non-traveling partner accepts the other's need to travel and doesn't begrudge him for going without him even though if he had his choice his boyfriend would just stay home and cuddle instead. They realize the other person sates their needs about 85% of the time. For that other 15% they figure out other ways of getting what they need. Do you toss aside the 85% of what is good, and ideal for the 15% which isn't? Only you can answer that question.

  As you mentioned, she won't go to a basketball or football game with you. If she did compromise, and go do something she didn't like, would it not be fair for her to ask you to do something you don't enjoy, say, go to a Sunday meeting with her? You have to decide what's fair, and what you can live with.

  Just like with my boyfriend, he has his friends, and I have mine, yet we also have 'common' friends. I think now that you are 'worldly' you need to remember or realize that more than likely you and a new partner / spouse will have much varying interests you like to pursue. I can't imagine trying to live like you are, but maybe your situation is workable still? Perhaps not.

  Any chance of getting her to look into other religious beliefs at all, rather than the full blown 'apostate' issue? Marriage counseling? In any event, trust your heart, make your decision carefully, and live your life as fully as you can.

  Cheers!