by Simon 135 Replies latest jw friends
Someone seducing (vulnerable / emotionally naive) young girls in the congregation, thought not a crime, is maybe not as 'wronged' if they are DF'd. Equally so the example of an elder abusing his position and knowledge of a couple's problems to commit adultery with the wife. There are some behaviours that are generally regarded as poor within general society.
if people only knew how common that was.
What a great topic. I think there is a difference and that is not to discount people who just could not live up to the endless rules, under different circumstance, I could not have played the game as well either. However, I was faithful to the organization my whole life, haven't laid eyes on my disfellowshiped father since childhood, married a JW you know led the textbook JW life. The only thing I've ever done that could be a disfellowshiping offense in my whole life is being on this website, reading CoC, thinking for myself for once. I tell my husband that I think we would be better off if we had committed some "horrible sin" and were in need of their counsel and forgivness. But instead I don't want them and they don't know what to do about us.
I believe your theory it could be correct. I have seen many who were disfellowshiped(immorality, smoking,etc,etc)that they still claim to be JW's.(some they even go back). On the contrary those who leave because they find out that the truth about the "Truth". I believe they are the best ones, since they carry on with their life, erasing their WT past, and leave it all behind for a new life.
But there are also those who were kicked out(like me)who have more anger and they can't go on with their lives. In my case Simon, I was married, having 2 small children to raise, ALL my relatives are JW's, and all of my friends are there, since I was born in the Org. When I realize that for 33 years of my life, I was in a lie and I was really(and still I'm)agry, because of some old fools in Brooklyn, that have stolen my life,and my parents life. I have faced and still facing many problems due to the fact I was a JW. The first issue was the "neutrality" that really cost to many brothers a lot in my country. Going in and out in prison is not a very good for you!!! You can't find a good job if you haven't finish your army, plus there is no way that you will be hired in Goverment jobs, or Banks, or a very serious Organizations if you don't finish your army obligations. The most crazy thing is that the WT had accepted (alternative service)while back in my 20's they strongly reject it. Not to mention that WT was always discouraging education, or even seeking a good job, or jobs like musician in my case that suppose to bring "glory to your self"instead of Jehovah.
I'm 41 years old now and since I left my JW boss, 8 years ago( I worked in 2 JW companies total 20 years. As you guess I was lowly paid) I'm still trying to get a discent job. I do blame the WT for my situation, and I can't find a solution for it,since I don't have time to study, due to the fact I have to work 2 jobs to support my children.
I was innactive for 6 years(since I have chosen not to disassociate from the WT)My "faithfull" ex-wife turned me to the elders for apostasy 2 times. The first was 8 years ago,and the last one before 2 years, when I was disfellowshiped. I'm still agry since this is was not my plan. I would have left but I would have do it with MY WAY. For sure I do not think to go back because I hate that cult with all my existence. I do have 2 small children in there, and I will do my best not to let them brainwashed by the WT.
I do not consider my self JW, and I do not speak regarding my past to anyone.(only in this forum I do that)I'm trying to start a new life, but for sure I'm fighting WT and their evil ways.I do not hate JW's, actually I feel sorry of them because they are misleaded, but I do hate the leadership of this cult.
So Simon I leave on to you to make my pshycological diagnosis!!!
Hi simon :) I agree with your post although like others suggest I think "there are many shades of grey" with ex-Jws from one extreme to the other, I myself left before committing a DF-able offense, I knew i was going to divorce my husband and find a new partner. Some of the angrier EX-Jw often remind me of my brother who gave up smoking and then he saw it as a mission to stop every person in his orbit from smoking, he was quite impossible to talk to for about a 6 months, I'm a non-smoker and and soon got tired of hearing why I should never try smoking from him, I see similar zeal from some of those on here determined to 'save' there friends and family still in at any cost. reniaa
Interesting thoughts Simon and IMHO very sweeping generally but most certainly true for some.
I believe however that the differences in the way people are able to handle their experience can be tossed back to the way they do leave. A person who is or has left the society on their own, has a definite sense of control over his situation and his life. He has chosen to extricate himself from the organization and in many cases will do so on his own time and often with the support of those he can sway into his corner. This means that you may also control how many of your family or who you are forced to leave behind. A person in control of these life altering events has already generally spent some time (sometimes years) in moving on and the transition often comes smoothly and without as much loss.
A person who is disfellowshipped for any reason (and I don't believe that there is any real reason since a religion should be supportive and not divisive) has lost control of the events that follow. He is generally cut off immediately from all his family and friends, sometimes loses his job and is thrust into a world he has been taught to fear. Trauma and a feeling of abandonment can very easily cause panic and anxiety and for some people, especially those who are born into the organization and who lose all of their family or who may have lost family members to the blood policy, child molestation, the 2 witness rule etc., that is extremely difficult to overcome. I find very few people actually obsessive about being an ex JW but rather people who just can't transition as easily and often because their family are still in. I also think age is a factor. Those who gave up college, sports, relationships, children, jobs, pensions and spent their lives being raised inside and now are in positions where they no longer have time on their side or resources to achieve success in those things, can be and most certainly are entitled to feeling frustrated and angry. They feel their life has been a lie ...they feel they were sacrificed.
I find that many exJW's have a mind association with other exJW's simply because of the cult speak and experience. I don't see this as a negative since a lifetime inside a cult has created a person with a lifetime of issues to sort through. Many exJW's go through life without ever examining the issues they are left with and so endure multiple marriages or confusion over the direction they keep taking. My hope would be that all people exiting the society, would recognize it for what is is and learn about their actions in relation to the past experience. Every person is different though and just as you have victims of other horrendous crimes like molestation, some will overcome the past and others will never be able to move on and continue the cycle of anger, anxiety, frustration and helplessness.
One thing that I have noticed myself (I was only a study of the WTBTS whereas my husband was a born in, raised in, lifer) is that many exJW's seem to trust other exJW's very easily and I have had to put this down to the fact that the WTS teaching that only the highest moral standards exist inside the society, gets seared into the brain and an exJW doesn't even think about it on a concious level. The society of course does not wave the banner highest on ethics or moral values - no religion or organization can but the belief that all JW's are moral and ethical people seems to stick around a long time. I think that is overcome the longer one is out.
As for people only associating with other exJW's - it's not hard for me to understand. People congregate with like people and on an emotional level many exJW's have been taught to distrust and fear anyone outside the world to the extreme. It is extremely hard for many exJW's to fit into society once they are out because their life experiences are so different.
When my husband was disfellowshipped he had spent over 50 years inside. He lost everything - every member of his family, every friend and work acquaintance he had. Every photo he had of his children was taken. Every momento he collected - his entire past was gone. Try explaining to a landlord why you can't give a reference to get an apartment because the only people you know are JW"s who refuse to say you exist. Try to get a job without a reference if you've only worked for a JW employer who all of a sudden doesn't know you. The list could go on forever but we are fortunate that with a lot of hard work, motivation and focus, he has been able to keep moving away from the society in a healthy manner. My experience in helping him has made me more aware of all these challenges and allowed me a great deal of insight into the minds of those who exit physcially but never move away mentally. .....sammieswife.
This doesn't mean that the shunning part of the religion is right or proper in any case but the expulsion may be although this will depend entirely on your own moral compass and what is right and wrong.
True. I tend to link disfellowshipping always with shunning since it's been my experience that disfellowshipping is death. The society is different in the way it handles all things and wrong on many of those to the destruction of too many people and their families. Molesters and pedophiles are criminals and should be prosecuted as such and I could care less if they remain a JW or a Catholic or any other religion as long they are punished for what they do by the law and the rest of society. On the other hand, I find the JW disfellowshipping offense of marrying after a divorce (to a worldly person) labelled as adultery, as ridiculous and based on no moral grounds. It's all smoke and mirrors..sammieswife.
