My marriage is falling apart!

sacolton

Over breakfast, my wife and I discussed the feeling of distance between us. I haven't kept her for going to meetings or anything of the sort. Yet, since I've left the organization - she has been more distant from me. When we were both JWs, we would skip a few meetings to enjoy our time at a movie or stay home to relax, but since my disassociation, she stopped doing these things and we spend less time together. When the "friends" invited her to go rollerskating, I was excluded (to be expected) and when the "friends" invited her to play volleyball, again, I was excluded. I told her I would never exclude her from anything! She said I no longer believed in Jehovah. I said, "I still believe in God!" and she responded "But you don't think Jehovah is His name." to where I explained that it wasn't the correct pronouncation of the Divine Name. She started crying and we discussed going to a Marriage Counsellor. We can't discuss religion, so the organization has successfully taken God out of our marriage. What a mess!

yknot

I am so sorry

I hope yall do see a counselor.

When hubby and I started our search for one we found many secular counselors went to the divorce option quickly. When we sought out a 'Chrisitian' counseling team (male and female) explaining our end result was saving our marriage and working on the agreed premise of sanctity of marriage in the Bible we struck gold!

For us it is a setting a mandatory amount of time aside each month for family activity and couple activity. We also worked on recognizing validity of each individual's relationship with Jesus and God.

Praying for your family.......Yknot

Witness 007

Sorry to hear Mate...I thought when we were both out it would be smothe sailing but since then my wife has been suffering a mental breakdown and our relationship is strained. She want to leave and wants to stay...mentally she's like a schzophrenic. I hope you can work thru this. It's also hard to make new friends when the shunning starts.....she still associates with some Witness friends and even attended a church group briefly!

StoneWall

Sacolton,
Sorry to hear you're going thru some trying times in your marriage. Sounds like to me you're being given "the treatment". What I mean by that is they're going to go out of their way now to make it look like you're the one that is making it hard on her since you can no longer join her with her friends and associates from the KH. Don't you just miss all that good wholesome association? (hope you can feel that sarcasm in my writing)

Have you or your wife got any relatives or friends outside of the Org that you both like and could have fellowship with so as to lessen the feeling of her missing out on something? Try and put some distance between her and the congregation for now if you can. Go on a vacation to the mountains or the beach. If finances are tight take many walks with her in local parks,go to movies etc. just to keep her mind off of them for a while. It can be especially hard on a woman in the organization to go to the hall by herself when she see's other couples there holding hands,serving side by side,shoulder to shoulder.

Was your wife a born-in raised in JW or a convert?

Amha·aret

Hubby Gladring left several months before I did and it did affect our marraige for a while. Him "leaving the tuth" made me more resolute to go the all the meetings and not miss ministry etc just like your wife is now doing. That's because of the whole "won without a word" notion. Our actions are meant to bring our husbands back to their senses ie the meetings. I know its hard but try to put yourself in her mindset. You know deep down she's only doing what she's been told is the right thing to do.

The consellor will hopefully be helpful to fixing the problems. But in the meantime, is there any way the two of you could have a good heart to heart talk? The problem probably is a lack of mutual understanding as it was in our case. I really didn't understand why Gladring was doing and saying all he was so we talked about it in a way that didn't make me defensive about my faith. It was tough, we both had to work hard to be able to stick with the conversation but it really was the turning ponint for us because I finally understood him and things improved hugely between us after that, though I still didn't leave the JWs for about 6 months after that.

Give it a shot. Sounds like you really want this to work so do all in your power to make this happen. And remember the Dr Phil line, the only person you can change is you. Don't focus on what changes she needs to make, just do what you can to improve the situation.

Positive thoughts for you.

Am

momzcrazy

My husband left years before I did. I had a horrible time with it. He was a Witness when we got married, I was born-in, trained to be an elder's wife. Now what do I do? Where do I fit in now? Let's not forget I won't get to spend forever with my husband. I will have to go thru Armageddon with 2 kids by myself. Would I get another husband in the paradise, or would I have to remain single?

Your leaving changed everything for her, in her eyes. She no longer has a partner, or a spiritual head. She has to go to meetings alone, and look at the couples still going together. No more family study, no service together.She now has to study alone, go in service alone, meetings alone. Will she travel to conventions and assemblies alone, or catch a ride with other sisters with UBM? These are things she will think about, and resent you for making her think about them and face these situations.Your common Theocratic goals are gone, poof! She can't talk to you about what is supposed to be the most important thing in her life. She looks at all those sisters with UBM at the meetings, the older ones that end up sitting together, the younger ones dealing with their kids alone. She wonders if this is her future.She is flailing and is turning to the brothers and sisters for some stability.

And in all honesty, her feelings towards you are bound to change. I distanced myself emotionally from my husband because I didn't want to get too attatched. He was going to die in Armageddon. You have probably lost a tremendous amount of respect from her. You have done the unthinkable. She is now married to "one of them". A man who has turned his back on Jehovah is living in her house.

You are going to be looked down upon in the cong. You will feel your mere presence at home is simply being tolerated.

Maintain whatever respect you have by being the best man you can be. Don't go crazy with "worldly things". My husband went on the road with bands and entertainers. We all know that environment. And he experienced the majority of what was offered. That just made him even worse.

You have thrown her into this new situation. Don't expect her immediate adjustment. It will take time to show her that you are still a good husband and man.

My inlaws have survived this, my marriage barely did, but did just the same. Others here have and are doing it. So you can do it too. I just wanted to give an insight into her feelings.

momz

purplesofa

Your leaving changed everything for her, in her eyes. She no longer has a partner, or a spiritual head. She has to go to meetings alone, and look at the couples still going together. No more family study, no service together.She now has to study alone, go in service alone, meetings alone. Will she travel to conventions and assemblies alone, or catch a ride with other sisters with UBM? These are things she will think about, and resent you for making her think about them and face these situations.Your common Theocratic goals are gone, poof! She can't talk to you about what is supposed to be the most important thing in her life. She looks at all those sisters with UBM at the meetings, the older ones that end up sitting together, the younger ones dealing with their kids alone. She wonders if this is her future.She is flailing and is turning to the brothers and sisters for some stability.

This pretty well sums things up, doesn't it?

Two things that are positive that you wrote, is the witnesses are still inviting her to outings. I have seen where the mate that still believes is shunned as well as the unbeliever. And the anguish of going through trying to proove that they still do believe in Jehovah.

Your wife is willing to go to a marriage counsellor. She wants to save the marriage. A good friend of mine, who went through her husbands exit, he was a PO, said how do I go to a counsellor and say, well I am upset he won't go to meetings? When it came from her own mouth, she said it sounded rediculous. She said, How can I explain that I know he will die at Armegeddon? How this has destroyed our family? How can I expect someone that does not understand the importance of him staying a witness really help?

She loves her husband and cannot ever think of life without him in it, although they practically live entirely seperate lives.

I'm reading a book "Thriving Through Crisis" the author brings out.........when we are on the wrong train, than all the stops we make along the way are all wrong too. Some of us realize just that and it creates a crisis in our lives, enabling us to make changes.

Maybe this crisis will bring the two of you closer, maybe not. No doubt it will bring change.

I still think its very positive that she will go to counselling, whatever the outcome is.

I'm sorry this happens.

purps

leavingwt

I really feel for you.

ninja

ditto mate....there seems to be a barrier between us now....even this morning I tried my best to reach out to her....I said ..."hey fatso....why don't we get on?"?......totally ignored me as usual.....I'm away to drown her guinea pig for that.......

sacolton

She was raised in it. Whole family is JW. My side of the family isn't. I became a baptised JW in 1999. Left 9 years later. Her older sister left after she "came out" and divorced her husband. This had a big impact on her. Now, I've left because I know the history of the organization. She loves having dinner with my parents ("worldly") and she has a woman co-worker ("worldly") that she great friends with and they both go out to lunch each week. I agree with the statements made that since I've left there has been this vibe that I'm getting that makes me uncomfortable from her. It's like she hates me or something, but doesn't just come out and say it.

I'm just wondering how effective would marriage counselling be if she is only going to listen to the direction of the organziation?

My marriage is falling apart!

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