My marriage is falling apart! (page 4)

OnTheWayOut

I'm just wondering how effective would marriage counselling be if she is only going to listen to the direction of the organziation?

Not to say that it might not work out the same as Oompa's situation (or mine),
you owe it to her to at least offer to go to counseling and try it.

My wife refused to go, has not stepped into the sessions even once. I go without
her, as Oompa continues to do.

Still, the marriage counseling may very well help. She may acknowledge some
needs. She may not. Give her that chance.

Otherwise, the thread-starter makes it sound like she puts some blame on you.
You are excluded because of your disbelief. You don't spend time away from the
meetings together because of your disbelief. If she agreed to counseling, you
can discuss these. Even if she doesn't agree, you can discuss how you are willing
to spend time together. You are willing to do stuff, meet people, live like a
married couple should/could/can live. If she throws stuff in your face about
how YOU changed things, let her know that your spiritual growth/changes has not
anything to do with how you feel about her.

Life does change when we get out. It changes in some strange ways if a spouse
stays in. I have many ex-JW friends. I don't have them over to the house, I meet
them elsewhere. I can handle that, but it ain't for everyone.

144001

Sorry to hear of it. My advice is to have an initial consultation with a family law attorney as divorce might be inevitable, and if it does occur, there are moves you can make in advance of it that will be beneficial to you.

A marriage counselor might help, but if she's like most JWs who think that psychology is demonic/worldly discipline, it most likely won't. She has to believe in the counseling and the counselor for it to work. If counseling won't work, then you should try your best to sit down and discuss your feelings with her. Let her speak her mind and be respectful of her brainwashed/delusional beliefs. Try to come to some sort of compromise regarding the issues you are dealing with. If that doesn't work, then the first piece of advice I presented in this post will unfortunately be the best advice.

treadnh2o

Sacolton,

My current situation is very similar. The big difference is that I have not Da'd-yet

Just wondering if you think the benefits of Disassociating are worth the shunning. I am convinced this is why no one has turned me in for my "apostasy".

I am sure my wife has the same things going on in her head.

Momz, Great post! I actually still go to a meeting here and there as well as most assemblies as this seems to soften up the wife to my stance. I know she is wondering what "life everlasting" will be like without me and questions how I don't want to live forever with my kids. I'm trying the patience route.

oompa

treadnh20: Just wondering if you think the benefits of Disassociating are worth the shunning. I am convinced this is why no one has turned me in for my "apostasy".

For those with a mate still in, the da is a devasting thing to do. I was openly apostate (sharing my awakening with all my friends and family) and I was not DF'd prob. cause I was on a ton of meds. I STILL can not believe it has not happend, but most I knew now shun me. HOWEVER.....there are probably 4 or 5 couples, maybe even a few more in other areas.......that accept me as I am........and understand I was just not able to cope with my much clearer understanding of the REAL truth. So my wife and I still get to have a good time with old friends once in awhile..............I would not DA cause I would lose that......(even skipped the memorial this year.....so they all know I am really out)....................oompa

sacolton

Update.

We are communicating and haven't needed to take the next step to marriage counselling, but it isn't ruled out. She loves me and wants the marriage to work and so do I. She wasn't happy with the t-shirt that I made (and sold) that ridcules the organization (OBEY! Ushering in a totalitarian regime) and that really set her off. Other than that, she has no problem with me celebrating holidays in our home. Heck, she helps decorate and picks out stuff to use. She did say that the organization is ran by imperfect men, but she believes its the truth.

I really appreciate your feedback. Thanks for your support. I hope things will get better.

oompa

geeze salco...if you can do the t-shirt thing....just print this thread and any others you want and insist as a husbandly head and her a submissive wife to read the damn things.....oompa

tooktheredpill

Sacolton:

I'm really sorry that you are going through this situation with your wife. Try to maintain your lines of communication open to her all the time. Show her that you love her continuously, and try to avoid saying anything bad about the Org. I know this is very difficult. Trust me: I've been there. Just try to strenghten your love before trying anything else.

Best wishes!

TTRP

OnTheWayOut

I love my wife and we will work it all out somehow, BUT there is no way in hell that she
would have tolerated decorating the house and even participating, unless it was very
generic- A winter theme versus a Christmas theme.

Your wife tolerates that, and the t-shirt thingee. Please go to counseling if things turn
rough, as you two have a pretty good thing going.

isaacaustin

Yeah, Sacolton. My wife has given in on birthdays...but no way in hell she'd go for Halloween or Christmas. Wow.

jgnat

Good for you, Sacolton. It sounds like you are getting back on track. I was going to give this advice yesterday, but I was interrupted by my own "significant other" who had other things on his mind.

The premier book for an exiting JW is Crisis of Conscience. The premier book for the partner of a JW, affectionately referred to as the "Unbelieving Mate" is Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves by Steve Hassan. If you are in this for the long haul, and it sounds like you are, take some time to discover your wife's natural personality, separate from the cult persona. With practice, you will be able to spot the difference. You want to keep the cult personality calm. Don't set her off with your differing beliefs. With the cult personality calm, it won't dominate your wife's natural personality.

Even JW's born in to the society have natural interests and desires separate from the society.

Find out what those are. These are your keys for getting your wife out. Or at least to help you spend more time with the woman you love.

A generous side-benefit of discovering your wife's natural personality, is that you will become a more sensitive and aware husband. In other words, every woman's dream husband. Plus you will discover hobbies and iterests, and eventually friends, away from the society.

Good luck.

...and P.S. Even though you have weathered this storm, I suggest you still consider counselling. Even if it is just you alone to start. You need all the tools you can get your hands on.

My marriage is falling apart!

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