by sacolton 49 Replies latest jw friends
So sorry your experiencing this. Religion that operates like JW's does is so distructructive to relationships. Funny thing is if you were out committing adultery they would be all over her to forgive and remain with you. But because you question their authority they will do all they can to get her to leave you and make her feel its hopeless and impossible. If you can get her to a marriage counselor then maybe you will help her see the insanity of how marriage is presented in the JW's.
Balsam
Sorry to hear about your troubles dude. A three-fold cord is not easily broken but with the Watchtower involved it will be easily severed. Don't let religion ruin your marriage. If you love her then put her first and do whatever it takes to keep her happy. Love is more important than being right. That's my advice.
Love is more important than being right. That's my advice.
Having been through the I-left-first/spouse is still a JW experience, I totally agree with this.
sorry to hear that mate, the key of any relationship is communication, if it is not there than in time relationship can fade away and die, it is a two way streat of course. Hope it's just a temporary thing and you find that spark that brought you two together.
She sounds like a loyal person even though her loyalty is misplaced as far as ideology is concerned, don't go too hard on her. You just might yet win her back and your later days might be more fireworks and fun than previous ones. I bet it took time for you to see the "light of the day" as it were. So cut her some slack ;).
But if after everything it is still not working, then at least you will never have to wonder "what if", once you leave there are no "ifs" and "buts" what is done is done. History takes care of the past, you can take care of the thing called "now" ;)
Have you or your wife got any relatives or friends outside of the Org that you both like and could have fellowship with so as to lessen the feeling of her missing out on something? Try and put some distance between her and the congregation for now if you can. Go on a vacation to the mountains or the beach. If finances are tight take many walks with her in local parks,go to movies etc. just to keep her mind off of them for a while. It can be especially hard on a woman in the organization to go to the hall by herself when she see's other couples there holding hands,serving side by side,shoulder to shoulder.
I think Stonewall has given some excellent advice. Fight for your family. Don't let them take it from you. Obviously she is hurt by your actions. If you were the one still "in" you would feel the same way. She married a Witness and feels that you have betrayed her trust. She is left to go to the Khall alone. No fun whatsoever.
You must slowly erode the hold they have over her. If you challenge directly, she will dig in her heels. Go the opposite way. Clean up while she is gone to meetings. Make it more pleasant to be home with you. Little things, like some wildflowers or just a piece of candy on the pillow will show her you care. Surely there must be things you have in common other than religion. If not, develop some new interests or hobbies together. How about dance lessons? Ceramic classes? Golf? Bowling? Yes, get your family to help out, too. Please start today!!
I'm really sorry to hear about this for you. I'm afraid of the same thing happening myself should I decide to reveal what I now know about this false religion.
I can totally understand why your wife is angry. When I was in a position similar to where she is now, I felt a lot of anger. I also felt betrayed because I had done the right thing of "marrying only in the Lord" and then Gladring left. So I was married to an unbeliever even though I'd married a believer. Very unfair, I felt.
The comments of the ladies who've posted on this thread has hopefully given you some insight on how your wife feels. Use this. Go to her and say, "Honey (or whatever pet name you call her), I know me leaving the JWs has been and is really tough for you. I know you must feel angry/hurt/betrayed etc. I get that and I'm here for you if you wanna talk about it at some stage." That will make her feel acceptance from you and also allows her to be the one to chose when and if to talk about it in more detail.
Quandry said
You must slowly erode the hold they have over her. If you challenge directly, she will dig in her heels. Go the opposite way. Clean up while she is gone to meetings. Make it more pleasant to be home with you. Little things, like some wildflowers or just a piece of candy on the pillow will show her you care.
I totally agree with this. Gladring used to do a lot of chores when I was at the meeting and it meant I had no choice but to be in a good hunour when I got back! Going to the meeting alone and sitting thru it like a single person or someone with a UBM was very difficult and did often put me in a very bad mood. But when I came home and Gladring was happy and the house looked well, then the mood lifted and didn't carry on.
HTH
Am
I am sorry to hear what is happening. It sounds like you want to make it work. You said that she used to like doing things with you and your worldly family. Try to get her involved in these enjoyable pasttimes with you as much as possible, but not when it cuts into her meeting time. I think if would probably be better if you do not do anything to wreck her faith and make her resent you even more at this time. Building up her love for you again is most important at this time.
salco:
I'm just wondering how effective would marriage counselling be if she is only going to listen to the direction of the organziation?
so sorry salco, but as i know you know, you are in the same boat as me, jerryinchichicago, A@G (was), and many others here. it sucks...and I have put my wife through hell actually with my awakening after 45 years in, and a 4gen. well we finally pretty much agreed to just never talk about it, but i still cram a point in once in awhile. i was really considering d-vorce for awhile so told her i was not happy with where i was in life and that a marriage counselor i found liked dubs and employeed on and had had about a dozen couples in sessions. It tooks weeks to get her to go. sorry, this may take a bit of type! (but good to re-live it)
I told the counselor in my first meeting (solo) about the situation (one in one out) and told her I basically was hoping she could help me cope with this arrangement, because my wife would not be able to change anything. And that I get 95 percent shunning (i am not df), and the fact that she has her friends and life very seperate from mine, and that I am very social and need new friends, but know I cant have them over for a cookout! Not even my next door neighbors! and of course no one from JWD or the like. she kind of scolded me for thinking I knew everthing. i told her I know exactly what my wife can and cant do.
first session with wife, the counseler did say, "what drew you to each other....what do you love about each other" and that got us to say nice things. unfortunately, later on she asked why i felt the need for counseling.....and I wanted to wait a few sessions first but out it came "i really dont know if i can be married to a jw, i want my wife to be open minded" ya....bad...but honest and wife broke down in tears for the next hour....just awful....but when I brought up the social aspect of marriage and how we used to have honest communication and now cant, my wife did say she felt we could never discuss any religious matter, that i was bashing jw and trying to drag her out (prob true). And that she thought I was just mental and needed meds, cause I was overreacting to the whole loss of faith thing. YES!!
so the first good thing happend in therapy! the lady tell smy wife to hold on! and backs me up that loss of faith and even a drastic change of faith or religion can be a serious and huge turmoil to a person, and that for some it is worse than divorce!! I had tried meds for three years, and knew i was not mental!!
then the second (and last good thing happened)....she tell my wife I need more than just her....that that is not healthy....i need friends....and we talked about jwd as my support group and how much i need it....and that it is only logical that i would reach out to others like me for support and as my first new friends...we usually make friends with people that we have things in common with!!! and why cant you let them come over for a cookout?.....hahaha........so wife explains they are evil and have turned their back on jehovah and she would never want to be around anyone like that!!!......then i got teary eyed and said..."did you hear what she said, she does not want to be around anybody like me....because they all think i have turned my back on jehovah, when i have only decided their faith is wrong about too many things and I cant be a part of it anymore...I still believe in god".....that did get my wifes attention too. anyway, since jwd types could not come over the lady says..."well what about your neighbors or other non-religious people coming over"........and a quick "why would i want to associate with people that i dont have anything in common with and dont believe as i do".....well our counselor got a precious look on her face for sec.....and at the end asked my wife to please consider my need to not be so isolated....and to think about who she would allow me have over without her having to leave the house.
second session my wife did move a tiny bit and said she might agree to let me have our neighbors over!!!!...........but that was it......she has not attended another session.....sees no need in it and neither do i....she can not move much.....no middle ground to find.....my counselor said she is the most hard core dub she has ever tried to help, and could not belive that the next two sessions my wife dropped me off at the sesson and went shopping instead!!!l.......lol.........i told her so..................oompa
so btw....we are hanging in there....but this is not what i consider a normal marriage at all....neighbors still not over yet
To everyone having marriage difficulties due to this cult, my heart goes out to you all. It's a terrible, terrible thing.
