open marriages, anyone have experience? (page 5)

teejay

While I don't think it's impossible, I DO think it's extremely rare to a) find a man and woman who both feel comfortable with an 'open' relationship and, b) for them to find each other. Generally speaking, men and women alike are very uncomfortable knowing that they aren't "the only one."

I know from experience that I wouldn't have much difficulty with either side of this coin (we see eye-to-eye on this COMF), but if anyone has problems with it, it's likely to be the female. Most women are as COMF says: Up front they're gung-ho about the arrangement but in the end they generally want to build a nest along with something more permanent.

Nothing wrong with that, but it does tend to put a kink in the openness of a relationship that was founded on the concept of openness. It's not long before "I can't take this bullshit anymore" or some such announcement is heard echoing through the house... right before the door slams that one last time.

LB

Wife number one wanted to do that. We did try and to be honest I enjoyed it for awhile. But the marriage only lasted 3 years. After I became "second hand single" I was with a couple of married women who had open marriages. Each of their marriages also failed eventually. While I'm sure it can succeed, it certainly has to put a relationship to the test.

Never Squat With Yer Spurs On

Vitameatavegamin

Sorry to be so rude folks, but I don't get the mentality with people today that think "anything goes", no rules, I'm ok your ok, etc. For those who still believe in the Bible, adultery is CLEARLY condemned. Where is your respect for your creator?? No, this is not JW mumbo jumbo. What the hell point is there in being married if you want to go out and "play the field"? Clearly, you have no respect for marriage and what it means. Even if you think you will still have the basic love and committment when you both go home every night(or day), you have without a doubt cheapened your relationship and the sanctity of your marriage is gone. The open marriage idea is an illusion. It can't lead to anything positive that is for sure. I hope you don't have children. What a terrible example to set for them. I am sorry for being so blunt, but I just don't buy the anything goes crap in society today. There is nothing sacred anymore it seems.

To the people out there who are living as if there is no God......you had better be right.

I will now prepare to have my head cut off. Proceed...........

unclebruce

G'day folks .. interesting thread,

I'm with Englishman. I'm an old fashioned 'one woman man' but I have seen many marriages fall apart over this. Like hippy communes work in theory only, so do most 'open marriages'.

solitary unc, who couldn't handle his wife fooling around.

PS: The childbride desperately wants me back but i just can't do it .. sorry, not this time honey. Hey captain, keep the hints comming .. nah, different cloth .. i'll probably line up my next victim and walk down the isle again ;)

===

Vitameatandvegimite: You're a disgrace! Now go out and get yourself Adulterized lol. I agree about children, little bastards kept me in wedlock 22 years last November ;) (um for the record I have only ever slept with one woman .. does it show? lol.

PS: Lilacs - this is not a personal add! :)

tyydyy

Vita,
As far as I'm concerned you have nothing to worry about. I for one wouldn't "cut your head off" for having a different point of view. I think your points are better addressed on another thread because I don't believe the bible has the answers.

There is no doubt that a great many people that try open marriages fail but what makes anyone think that an open marriage should be any more successful than monogamous relationships which fail at least 50% of the time? Also, there are some, I'm reasonably sure, that try an open relationship as a last resort for their failing marriage. If that's the case then what really was the reason the marriage failed. Any relationship requires love, understanding, sharing, communication and commitment. For those who are capable of true love and care, the concept of wanting your mate to have a good time even with someone else is truly satisfying. If we really care then we would want them to be as happy as they could be. Why did they get married? Most people have sex before marriage so that wouldn't be the real reason. Maybe it's because they like the companionship of each other. Maybe they like knowing that someone will be home when they get there. Maybe it's true love. Sex is not really associated with marriage in our society until you actually are married. Why? Because then we consider each other almost as property. I own you-You own me. When we give up the concept of owning each other we will truly love each other. We can truly look at each other as equals. That's what a marriage should be.

TimB

GentlyFeral

Folkses,

I've been married for 28 years; our marriage opened up about five years ago.

I think polyamory (as its practitioners often call it) and monogamy are orientations just as hetero- and homo- and bisexuality are.

One reason open marriages fail is because of jealousy on the monogamous partner's part; the assumption that no one can love more than one person, the perception of marriage as a zero-sum game.

But it's not the only reason. I belong to a bi women's email list which has a number of polyamorists on it. I've seen descriptions of marriages ending with the gradual fading of romantic love into platonic friendship; or, at the other end of the scale, the realization that the other partner is an abusive shit. Open marriages, in other words, can also fail for the same reasons "closed" ones do.

I don't think ours will fail. It has already survived the death and resurrection of romance.

Vitameatagevamin,

Sorry to be so rude folks, but I don't get the mentality with people today that think "anything goes", no rules,

Successful poly marriages do have rules, but they vary from marriage to marriage, being hashed out between the partners. Most have some kind of "prior notice required" and "safe sex" rules; others have a "same-sex partners only" rule or a "no falling in love" rule, or (not too common) "threesomes only" rule :)

Where is your respect for your creator??

'Fraid the jaydubs trashed that long before my marriage opened up; but that's another thread.

What the hell point is there in being married if you want to go out and "play the field"?

1. To honor the decades of history we have between us.
2. Because we're still friends.
3. To make a home.
4. To raise our kids.
5. Because we still LIKE living together!
6. My husband and I love comparing notes on our other sweethearts -- and we've learned a lot from each other, doing so.

Even if you think you will still have the basic love and committment when you both go home every night(or day), you have without a doubt cheapened your relationship

Vita, I'd like you to explain this for me please. My husband and I do same love and committment for each other; how is our relationship cheapened just because we realize that faithfulness and exclusiveness aren't the same thing?

and the sanctity of your marriage is gone.

Our ability to love each other and to love other people is one of the holiest things I know of.

Gently Feral

"There were cockroaches of course,
but very clean cockroaches."
-- Julia Vinograd

tyydyy

Well said Gently Feral, (I especially liked "Folkses")

An open marriage would not work for everyone any more than homosexuality would would work for everyone. I would venture to say that most relationships don't have the level of communication that allows them to even discuss honestly the possibility of an open marriage. Glad to hear your doing well.

TimB

Mindchild

RationalWitness,

In reply to your question:

You neglected to tell us which issue of Penthouse you got your information from. Also, how do you define "amazing success" and "maturity"? Just wondering.

I based my personal observations on several factors but mostly informal experiences and people I know. I have met about 5 couples who have open marriages that work and who have enjoyed their lifestyle for a number of years ranging from just a few to over a dozen. It is admitedly hype to say that this represents "amazing success" based on such a small number of people. I do know though that literally millions of people around the world practice swinging, that is exchanging partners for the purpose of sex only. You can go to some of the many adult websites that specialize in serving the needs of this community and just take a look at the numbers of members. A typical site is www.adultfriendfinder.com or www.alt.com.

I also know about the various numbers of people trying polyandry and polyamory with some degree of success. I've had a lot of interesting email conversations with people I've met online who practiced these type of alternative relationships.

These forms of marriages are in the small minority and it would be interesting to read professional studies of how successful their efforts turn out to be. I think they are social pioneers of the future.

My use of the term "Maturity" well that was pretty sloppy there. I guess I was just arguing that to avoid jealousy the couple would have to recognize that their relationship was solid and that they did love each other. That requires some maturity.

Kind Regards,

Skipper

COMF

For those who still believe in the Bible, adultery is CLEARLY condemned.

Wull, there's y' problem, Vern.

COMF

ballistic

Well, I can't speak from personal experience, but I know someone who goes to wife swapping parties, orgies and so on. It seems that it is working out for the woman and he likes to watch. But when she goes out on her own and pulls (a lot easier for a woman to do, I think you'll agree) he gets jealous. Basically, there seems to be a problem when 'who's getting away with what' becomes unfair.
They are constantly now talking about splitting up and constant arguments. I think they have no love for eachother.
Weird couple anyway.

open marriages, anyone have experience?

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