Did you Fade Gradually or Stop Attending Meetings Quickly ? Reasons ?

by flipper 90 Replies latest jw friends

  • wobble
    wobble

    I intended to fade gradually, having all my immediate family in, including my dear old mum,90 now, so DA or DF was not what I wanted.

    The GB's glorification of itself, and its demoting of Jesus to a much lesser position than theirs was the catalyst, although 1914 was obviously a big pile of doo-doo.

    My wife was already a bad attender, and had not been in FS for years, but still believed it was Da Troof. (She doesn't now !)

    I attended one TMS/Serv. MT after the Memorial, in 2008, on my own, and as I walked out of the KH I thought to myself, "that's it, I ain't never going back". I had been in since birth, 58 years before.

    Cold Turkey, couldn't face going back for one more meeting.

    I have got away with it so far, I got the two Elder visit a couple of years ago, but you guys told me how to handle that, and I am still not DF/DA and my family are friendly etc.

    We just don't get invites to things like my great niece's engagement party,we are a "spiritual danger" ...evidently, but I would politely decline such things anyway , as I could not stand all the cult-speak etc.

    Cold Turkey worked for me.

  • MMXIV
    MMXIV

    I did a long slow fade. I needed to become independent. I started from a point of having no qualifications and living at home.

    I went to college while working full time which meant I missed some meetings. I also couldn't do much FS. I withdrew socially from people at the KH and didn't talk much before or after the meetings. They assumed I was depressed and over the years newer ones thought I was weak. I worked on my career where I was very successful and became financially independent from my family.

    I had built up friends at work so when the day came to tell my parents I wasn't going to meetings any more, they and no-one else had any power over me. I wasn't hounded too much either especially as just before I left I'd done some good deeds for the elderly at the kh - the elders couldn't work it out but there appeared to be no malice in my leaving.

    My reasons for a slow fade were... getting my life set up. I wanted to minimise the pain for my parents by gradually reducing how active I was so it would be less of a surprise for them. There were other reasons too which I may talk about one day.

    I didn't look on the internet about JW's until I found JWN less than a year ago. It has confirmed everything I thought and so much more. With the advice of JWN I would have left earlier and been far more confident about leaving.

    I am on good terms with some of my family - mission accomplished.

    mmxiv

  • oldlightnewshite
    oldlightnewshite

    One day in 2003 I just started thinking about the existence of god, and all the discrepancies in the bible. Within a month I was on autopliot, my mind was detatched, and a little voice had appeared in my head which just kept nagging at me during the meetings. Everything everybody said at the meetings sounded like a crock. I began to see people for what they really were, and asked myself that had I met them in my normal daily life, would I have chosen them as friends. I decided that possibly 10% of the witnesses at my KH were maybe okay, the rest were just arseholes. Then one day I just drove away from the meeting after not stopping to 'associate', and realised that that would be my last ever meeting. I reasoned that what would be the point of continuing the charade further. The anger and revulsion inside of me stopped me from wanting to go to please anybody. I knew that if I went to one more meeting, then somebody was liable to get punched.

    I have since done the play-acting that I feel depressed, disillusioned with the 'Truth', etc. This is just to placate my family. I still get the visits after all these years, but choose to play cat and mouse with them. If they're occupied with me, it wastes thier time, and saves somebody else an unwanted visit.

    I don't think I could do the gradual fade thing. It's like trying to wean yourself off poison. If it's bad for you, stop doing it.

  • lifelong humanist
    lifelong humanist

    flipper

    Another interesting thread, as usual from your own good self.

    Like you, 2003 was a special year for me - the year I suddenly resigned as an elder and quit the cult. I simply wrote a leter to the local elders and told them that I wanted to DA myself as I no longer believed in any god, far less the WatchTower god, and no longer wanted to be known as one of their cult followers.

    Coming to this conclusion was quite a quick process only after I started to use the critical thinking facility that I'd learned during my MBA university degree course in the mid 90's - I never read any of Hassan's or Ray Franz's books or looked online around this time. Looking back now, I just wish that I'd started out discovering how life began, how 'holy books' and religions were invented, etc., a whole lot sooner.

    I then realized that I was just a Humanist at heart. It was a difficult time for me, a real challenge - I was a third generation born-in JW. For over 20 years I tried to be an understanding, liberal, approachable elder. What a total waste of time and effort that was!

    I now know now that I'd possibly have been smarter just to fade - an elder friend and now ex-JW kindly took the time to try and persuade me to simply fade. Indeed, this would have been easier for my still-in JW wife (I mistakenly thought that she'd join me and do the same). My JW in-laws would still be speaking with me, and former acquaintances and the few friends I had at the KH would probably still speak with me and not do the unnatural strange shunning stuff. However, that would have been against my own principles and open honesty - fading would have been a 'cowards' way out. I can understand why many opt for the fade, though, and don't belittle their decision in any way.

    Now, having read Hassan's books and bits of Franz's story I'm better prepared to continue to help free my wife from the clutches of the cult. Seven years and counting...

    Here in Scotland winter's now here, with sub-zero temperatures and snow on the hills - how I envy you and Mrs Flipper in sunny California!

    lifelong humanist

  • gubberningbody
    gubberningbody

    Quickly. Because when you change, you get picked on.

    To fade, you have to allow other people the opportunity to grow towards thinking less of you.

    Why should I have made it easier on them?

    If you fade, you have to let others to treat you with less respect.

    Why should I let others act negatively towards me?

    If you fade you risk allowing the low opinion others have of you affect your own legitimate sense of worth.

    Why would you let someone allow yourself to become devalued in your own eyes?

    If you fade, you just let them think you were "weak", instead of making a rational well-thought-out decision borne of a sound mind.

    If you fade, you give them the opportunity to take the truth that you made your own.

  • Little Imp
    Little Imp

    When I met my husband he was 45 years of age and had been disfellowshipped around the age of 15. He left home aged 25 and moved over 100 miles away from his parents.

    However, his mother used to sometimes visit and interfered and got him reinstated very much against his wishes. Therefore, when I met he was attending the KH and the Group Study as much as his shift work allowed. He had gone out on FS occasionally but never handed in a report.

    When he met me his mother warned him off because I was not a JW however he stuck to his guns and said he didnt want to be alone anymore. I started attending the KH with him in 2003 prior to our marriage in March 2004. At first I was very interested but quickly saw the flaws in what they preached and taught. It was during these conversations that my husband said that he had never wanted to be reinstated in the first place.

    We kept attending the meetings as his shifts allowed to keep his mother happy. His parents are quite demanding in us visiting them so we began only visiting on a Sunday which meant us and them missing meetings. Although husband was off during the week I was at work and Saturday traffic where we used to live and where they live was horrendous hence the Sunday visit. This was the beginnning of our fade. Another factor was that the Elder from our book study group said we had to attend another Group. This was further away and my husband said we had no chance of getting there by 7.30pm as the traffic where we used to live at the time of day was impossible so we never attended the new Group. Therefore our old group thought we have moved groups the new group never missed us as we never started going there. This was the start of our fade.

    In 2007 I had to give up work and I had surgery in April 2007 which meant I couldn't attend meetings at all for six weeks and wasn't to be left alone in the house. As we didn't live near any family and friends this meant my husband couldn't attend meetings either. We resumed going to meetings following the six weeks on our usual sporadic basis.

    Our KH has three meetings each Sunday which they rotate so each congregation gets two years at the same time. We had 10 o'clock, 1pm and 4pm meetings. We were going at 10 a.m. in 2007 but in January 2009 when our congregation was moved to 1pm we continued to go at 10 0'clock as this suited us better regarding family sometimes coming over on a Sunday for a roast.

    Therefore, if we saw anyone or someone from our group phoned to see where we were we were able to say that we went to a different meeting. Our congregation was very small but the one we went to instead always had a full hall so it was unlikely whether we were noticed there or not if the Elders from our congregation asked those Elders. Eventually we stopped attending, I think the last meeting we went to was November 2008.

    However, sometime last year an elderly lady from the congregation kept calling on us.

    I hardly every answered the door as we never had surprise visitors so unless I was expecting a parcel I used to ignore the door and sometimes saw JWs doing their normal FS most of whom probably didn't know which house in the Close was ours. However, this old lady used to often call around 8.45 a.m, when our blinds and curtains were still shut and she knew full well my husband worked shifts. It was every two to three weeks or so.

    However, we moved out of our house in February this year but had reason to go back prior to the new people moving in and I found a tract that she had put through the door. My husband said there was some significance in the fact that she had written "Mr & Mrs Little Imp" rather then our first names in the note she wrote on it.

    We are dying to know whether she has worked it out that we have moved yet or not since she only came round on weekdays and the new people would always be at work then. The only other way she may know is if MIL has told an Elders wife she befriended in that congregation who would have to tell her husband who may mention it to this old lady. This particular Elder's wife never goes to meetings.

    Sorry this is long winded but this is how it happened.

    LI

  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep

    Quick fade 2 1/2 years ago 0 meedings - did OK with it until last month the elders wanted to meet with me decided I never want there noses in my face again so wrote a note and it will be announced this Thursday... not sure what took them so long I wrote it over two weeks ago?

  • Robert7
    Robert7

    For me rather quickly. In December 2007 my mind broke free, and I finally realized the lies. My wife arranged for a shepherding call so the elders could address my concerns. She thought that would do much good. The irony was they had literally ZERO answers besides "they're imperfect men" and "wait on Jehovah" and "it's the truth". That actually made an impact on my wife, but it took a few months. The brothers never really approached me again, besides an occasional "how's it going" after a Sunday meeting.

    In the mean time I only attended Sunday meetings to keep the wife happy, but that lasted only a few months. My last meeting was the Sunday in early 2008 where they announced the cancellation of the book study.

    By May 2008 my wife was out for good too.

    As with reasons, my only goal was to not get DF'd. This was only for my mother and my mother-in-law. By not getting DF'd it would make associating with them much easier. I also wanted to exit slow enough to get my wife out too, which it did!

  • OUTLAW
    OUTLAW

    I got tired of the endless WBT$ Bullshit..

    Bla-Bla-Bla..

    Same old crap every meeting

    I quit going to meetings..

    Got a Sheperding call..And..Told them not to bother me again..

    The End..

    ..................... ...OUTLAW

  • Little Imp
    Little Imp

    Outlaw, well done, keep it simple, keep it quick. Did you not have any problems with family or friends?

    LI

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