by techdotcom 104 Replies latest social relationships
I can admire the kind of strength a relationship has to have for a married couple to swing.
Interesting isn't the half of it, LOL !!
It is not my way nor that of my wife but I think if itw as my or hers and it wasn't shared that a relationship would be very rocky indeed.
I think if two people ( or more) are open and intested in it, good for them.
I would worry if someone is doing the other person a "favour" by being "OK" with it.
If my marriage breaks up, it will because myself or my wife have decided to let that happen and not due to having a friend with benifits or two on the side.
Good luck
To those who don't like sharing....yeah I get ya, but just because you have a knee jerk reaction to something that does you no real harm, that does not mean you have to let it control you. Jealousy is about the insecurity/fear of being replaced.
Hm, I'm not the jealous type. When I met my husband he had a lot lady friends (long time friends and clients that he made clothes for). When we started dating I was asked by certain people if my husband was gay because of his plethora of lady friends and if he wasn't gay was he messing around on me? Neither was the case. My husband is a one woman man. He's always been that way in all of his relationships. I really can't say the same for myself. I dated and had a few more relationships than my husband. Sometimes more than one relationship going at a time. But I out grew all that. I wanted to be in a one on one relationship and that's when I met my husband.
Swinging or open relationship are fine for some but my husband and I like what we have: US.
Yeah PSacramento, that is exactly it. The 'open' part has to be intrinsic to everything or it won't work. Which also means having a good idea of the other persons feelings thru communication. As soon as you start either hiding or ignoring hurt feelings or discomfort then you start to create a stress that can and will be a problem. If your partner in life doesn't like it then you don' do it or you work out a compromise. That aspect of a marriage not only doesn't go away (the compromising) but it becomes even more important to be able to do so without resentment. Feelings still get hurt on occasion, and sometimes you will get angry about something, but that is going to happen anyway with or without the open sexual relationship. I do think it's likely that some have gotten into the 'lifestyle' thinking they were going to be better than petty jealousy or stress from it. My wife and I had a good long talk about what I thought we should expect from it and that just like everything else in life and marriage there will be issues to work out as we go.
I put the idea out there to her at one point, giving her the 'free pass' with a friend we had met at a party. She was estatic and so excited it was almost comical. He's still a good friend and she sees him every so often for some fun hot tub time and some spoiling.
To be honest the only sucky thing we have had to deal with is that I am an honest person and we don't really have any swinger friends per say. So while she has had quite a bit of affirmation and fun, I have as yet to get past making out with anyone but her. That has been frustrating as hell, to hear "Well you are a great guy but I just don't like getting in the middle of a marriage and causing problems." and variations of that same sentiment, including that they are looking for a commited sexual relationship only. So unless i want to be an ass and lie, I have to take the slow and easy route. But that is one of the potential downfalls of this, feeling neglected or left out. My wife does a pretty good job of making sure that doesn't happen. Also I have made some great women friends, something that would not have been feasible before.
I am a horrendous flirt, my wife gets a kick out of it because she knows she has nothing to worry about.
I am a one womn man, if I wasn't I never would have seetled down.
But I love to flirt, I must admit and I love to flirt with her friends and her cousins, LOL !
She is a bit flirty too, but that is her natural friendly way, always a huge smile on her face and always laughing and happy.
Would we swing? I don't think so, just because, well to be honest, we are just to in to each other right now.
Sure if she wanted to bring a nich lady to join us, I would be nice and say sure, LMAO !!
On a serious side though, I just don't think that it would feel natural to be with anyone but each other and it is really just the simple I think.
We have some friends that are swingers, they run a club for it or something like that.
The option is open for us, but we haven't done anything about it.
We've had discussions about it, but I think it's the sort of thing you both need to be real sure about.
PS - the other intesting thing is that most people assume that all swingers have casual sex or sex outside of thier commited relationship at all. Some actually do what you describe and just flirt with others but have a rule not to go any farther. If fact all swinger types seem to have at least some rules for conduct and take them as seriuosly as more traditional couples take the rules that most of society is used to.
Palm - You got that right, be very sure and be very realistic as to what you expect, if you decide to do it. It introduces additional complications into your relationship and that will cause some stress no matter who you are.
Also the purpose of starting this thread is not to advocate the lifestyle but rather to share experience and get some additional perspective myself. Not only is it not for everyone but my wife and I know that we could not have attempted this earlier in our relationship. This has very much so been about our trust in eachother and a way of saying 'fuck you' to the repressive rules that not only the witnesses have but that many consider sacred just because enough people have decided that they are right. We will be setting back down from our current level of activity I'm sure at some point and have more of a traditional relationship but for now we are doing what we want to do and trying to learn from it and enjoy our life together for a change, something that being a witness and being around them made impossible.
Well that's the point isn't it? It's about your relationship. What's right for you. What works for you may not work for others. But others not being into what you and your wife is into doesn't mean that the others have a problem with jealousy. It's just may not be right for them. Yes?
I have friends but I like to keep my friends on a platonic level. I don't want to make new friends to exchange bodlily fluids sexually with. But that's just me.
New ex Jw's are like a kid in a candy store with no parents around..they go wild and often end up with a tummy ache from all that "Candy"...
Some are. Some aren't. Not a one-size-fits-all world.
About those marriages that broke up: well, more than half of all marriages break up. With or without extracurricular activity. At that point or years after. You can't generalize. I'm sure it happens, but it's not a rule.
Open relationship: something like 7 of my 23 years together were open. They came in the middle of the relationship rather than the start or the end. For me impersonal sexuality outside of my primary relationship worked ok.
Polyamory did not work for me. My emotional make-up is such that I do not enjoy maintaining deep sensual connections with more than one person at a time. I am serially committed in this regard.
Swinging isn't for me at this stage in life, I have little time or energy to hop around or play within any particular rule set, which most of the swingers I've known seem to like to set up. Your mileage may vary.
In my experience, along with those I've known for decades, the only rule is to keep agreements clear and abide by them. There are no rules beyond what consenting adults consent to. Having agreements sets boundaries for physical and emotional safety; following those agreements allows trust.
Be safe...have fun...don't dream it, be it.
VoidEater, thanks for best response I've seen so far.
Some are. Some aren't. Not a one-size-fits-all world.
'There is no such thing as normal' is my equivelant
more than half of all marriages break up
Thought about making that point myself, the problem with anedoctol evidence is that is not evidence at all but a very limited sample and tends to be skewed
Polyamory did not work for me.
I've always been polyamorus, i just didn't cheat, lol, that seems to be as ingrained as sexual orientation is.
I have little time or energy to hop around or play within any particular rule set
I competely agree, we have no hard and fast rules, anything is permissable if discussed before hand and slips of judgement are understood to be just that, a mistake that should be discussed. The only real rule we have is the VETO right on anothers choice of partner. Bad idea to go there unless you have to but we have both invoked it at least once.
the only rule is to keep agreements clear and abide by them. There are no rules beyond what consenting adults consent to. Having agreements sets boundaries for physical and emotional safety; following those agreements allows trust.
This has so far been out modis operandi and has worked well for us.
