The Impact of Leaving

by leavingwt 66 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  DesirousOfChange

  Generally speaking, I think it's worst for those born into or raised from childhood into the organization.

  The WT mind control system is all they have known.

  When they break free as teens or adults, they have to figure out who they are apart from the collective.

  In the midst of all this, they have to deal with being shunned by family and all the "brothers and sisters" they have known.

  And often, the JW Network was the only friends or associates that they had. They avoided any other (bad) association for years and thus isolated themselves from workmates, schoolmates, neighbors, etc. Without the Collective, they are suddenly isolated and lonely and frightened.

  DOC
• 

  wobble

  Very few Jw's have JW running right through them like a stick of rock,if you cut them in half. Most have to struggle against their real personality and put on a facade that is acceptable to other JW's.

  When you leave , even as a born in, as I was, you realise that you have to struggle no more, your real personality can just ride free. Some may not have had much of a struggle when they were in, and been deeper in the cult than me, so they will find it harder perhaps, as will those who just loved to let the cult think for them and make their decisions for them.

  But everyone has a real personality, it just needs releasing from the bonds that the cult had it locked up in, admitedly, for a born-in who was an Uber-Dub it may be a strange experience, but hardly a huge problem.

  The main thing is to get out, and to be yourself.
• 

  Quendi

  I want to say that I have been deeply moved by what I have read here. The experiences that flipper and 00DAD have had are indeed heart breaking and I want both of you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I especially appreciated what 00DAD said about getting in touch with our "pre-cult personality". That is what I have done and it has opened possibilities and avenues in my life I never would have considered had I remained "in the box". As for those who are born-in, let me suggest that they make a diligent search for their true selves. It is there despite a lifetime of WTS indoctrination that made us feel we would be unworthy of Jehovah if we sought out these other things.

  All of us reflect God's image and likeness. That is an important belief for me and has allowed me to move forward again. To me that means that we all have qualities, traits, and abilities that our Creator has and we should discover them and use them to make ourselves and those around us happy and fulfilled. The WTS put us in a strait-jacket where our freedom was severely restricted and we felt there was no way we could live a satisfying and purposeful life outside its narrow vision.

  I think of the concluding words to Tennyson's poem Ulysses in which he writes:

  Though much is taken, much abides; and though
  We are not now that strength which in the old days
  Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are,
  One equal-temper of heroic hearts,
  Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
  To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

  I have often meditated on those words as I move along in my own spiritual journey. I may have lost friends and family to the WTS and have suffered great pain and loss. Also, my youth and the vigor that went with it is gone, but there is still so much to live for. My life now is better than it was as a Witness as I'm sure it is for all of you who have posted to this thread. My friends, let us never forget that and look to the future with confidence.

  Quendi
• 

  00DAD

  Quendi: Your words really touched my heart. Thank you for hearing what I have to say and letting it speak to you. Sometimes, often in fact, I feel so inarticulate when it comes to expressing all the confusing swirl of emotions within me. There is anger, bitterness, sadness and resentment, despondency and despair. I want vengeance, I want to forgive; I want justice, I just want to move on; I want my sons back, I want to learn to accept that which I cannot control. I feel guilty about being selfish and then I feel angry at feeling guilty!

  The other night I had a relatively short, but intense conversation with my younger son. At 17 he is dealing not only with the normal issues of a young man trying to become his own person, but he also has to deal with the added difficulties of his parents' divorce and the disfellowshipping of his father. All his life I was an elder in the congregation. He knows nothing of the inner struggle I dealt with over the last decade as I slowly began to wake up and discover the Truth about "the truth.

  If only he would sit still long enough maybe I could explain some things to him so--even if he wouldn't agree with everything I have done and how I am living my life now--at least he might understand. But he is not ready yet. I don't think he is mature enough or strong enough. Also I hate to say it, but I don't trust him. He is so filled with anger. He told me he has to "get out of here" meaning living with his mother. I'm sure the constant negativity she heaps on him about our breakup and the pressure he gets from the meetings and the WT literature makes him want to burst.

  The beginning of our conversation was admittedly a bit heated, but after we both calmed down he shared some of his frustrations; I felt like we connected, if only a little. Just yet, I feel it prudent to hold back and not tell him all the hypocrisy and deception the leaders of the WT use to control us (the bastards), but even that makes it hard because it also prevents me from fully opening up to him. After reassuring him of my love and the fact that he is always welcome to come stay with me if even only for a day, a night or even a week ...

  When we hung up I sobbed for the longest time. I don't think I have ever cried like that in my entire life.

  Daniel
• 

  00DAD

  I am so angry at the bastards that run the WTBTS. Who the fuck do they think they are to make all these bullshit rules that aren't supported by scriptures and are so completely un-Christian?!?

  Why do they feel the perverted need to control other people's lives? What the hell is wrong with them?!? Mentally diseased? I think THEY are the ones with the sickness!

  They are such cowards, hiding behind the imaginary "Faithful and Discreet Slave" class nonsense, manipulating millions of individuals who just want to be obedient to God. I dare one of them, or even all of them, to come talk to me face to face, mano-a-mano. They hide safe and sound in their precious little Watchtower edifice strutting around like the modern day Pharisees they are, surrounded by a bunch of fawning sycophants too terrified of their own shadows to call them out for the frauds that they are.

  • The Emperor is naked, and he's ugly too!

  The average JW is just an ordinary person that wants to be good, to serve God, and to be more like Jesus. But then you get caught up in this organization with all its rules and regulations--rules written by a bunch of control freaks that can't tell the difference between a real fact and their own twisted, arrogant opinion--and the next thing you know it's too late to find a dignified way out. If you've made any friends or had a family, you better forget about them. More than likely they will steal them from you too!

  What they have done is criminal. They really need to pay for their sins!

  I really hope there is a God and that he will make them answer for what they have done. God help them when he does!
• 

  Judicial Committee

  I remember a few weeks after they disfellowshiped me over some simple human weakness, and all the so called “Friends” I had known for twenty years, ignored me like I was a rabid dog, so one night before going to my favorite Brewskie hole, I stood in front of the Kingdom Hall front door and dropped a loaf, and truly enjoyed the rest of my night.
• 

  leavingwt

  DesirousofChange: I'm glad that you enjoyed the link. JW Facts is one of the very best Internet resources for all things JW-related, IMHO.

  unshackled: You highlight what is a key distinction, IMHO. The date of physically leaving the JWs, which can happen under a variety of different circumstances, and the date of when you begin to deconstruct the experience.

  nugget wrote:

  There is so much to be grateful for and a chance to make real choices.

  Indeed. I felt as though I had won the lottery, to have escaped from the mental prison.

  Botzwana: It's amazing how simply removing oneself from the JW environment can help to break the bonds. In short order, the JW way of thinking begins to fade, and we can begin learning to make decisions for ourselves. It was scary at first, for me, but I quickly got used to it, and now I cannot imagine it any othe way.

  noni wrote:

  I think that the more a person believed the JW's had the truth, directly relates to how good or bad they emotionally come out of an exit. I think a lot of these issues relates to guilt and self hatred for believeing something they now see as a lie. I always say the hind sight is 20/20, and people should try not to be angry with themselves or others for falling for this cults line of BS. I'm sure if people could go back in time with the knowledge they have now none of us would fall for this cults line of BS.

  What you've written above really struck a chord with me. Excellent observation.

  Mickey Mouse wrote:

  insignificant when compared with the mind f*** of coming to terms with learning the truth about the truth and the implications on my life and relationships.

  Hang in there, I know what you mean. I really do. I was shaken to my core when I realized that most of my family and social environment was completely drenched in JW culture.

  Quendi: It's great to hear of your support group in Colorado. Best of luck to all of you.

  wha happened: Being there for your wife is probably the greatest service that you can do for her. How long has she been affected by the exit process, if I may ask? Do you feel that she has made significant progress, or is she still stuck?

  yesdid wrote:

  Apart from individual personalities, I think time spent in, whether or not one is a"born in", and how old one is when leaving all have a bearing on how long it takes to become mentally and emotionally free.

  Particularly "how old one is when leaving".

  I think you're correct, in most cases. Getting in touch with the AUTHENTIC personality can be a little more challenging than getting in touch with the PRE-CULT personality, especially when it comes to the social arena. If one never had any 'worldly' friends/family, he or she must literally start from scratch.

  Brad Wilson: We're glad you're out. You're welcome.

  PaintedToeNail wrote:

  so I try to non-combatant-like when around them.

  I would agree that being non-combative with your parents is probably the best approach. If you've read Hassan's books, you know that he encourages folks to never discuss doctrine. It's by being a good daughter or son that we can demonstrate to parents that we're not evil, as the WT literature would paint us.

  Flipper: My heart goes out to you. I have one, young daughter, and I cannot even imagine what it would be like if she wanted nothing to do with me, over something as silly as an invisible person and a printing corporation. Please hang in there and never lose hope.
• 

  cult classic

  Been thinking about this thread since you posted it, Donny. As much as I hate admitting the effect leaving has had on me, I know that its impact has been profound. The only difficulty I haven't had is the inability to "find suitable employment".

  Check on all the others.
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  When you leave , even as a born in, as I was, you realise that you have to struggle no more, your real personality can just ride free. Some may not have had much of a struggle when they were in, and been deeper in the cult than me, so they will find it harder perhaps, as will those who just loved to let the cult think for them and make their decisions for them.

  But everyone has a real personality, it just needs releasing from the bonds that the cult had it locked up in, admitedly, for a born-in who was an Uber-Dub it may be a strange experience, but hardly a huge problem.

  The main thing is to get out, and to be yourself.

  I think it's hardest on those who are out mentally, but can't leave physically because of family and/or friends. They are caught in a constant balancing act, having to put back on the JW mask at the right time with the right group of people.......being careless and forgetting to do so, can bring calamity.

  DOC
• 

  discreetslave

  Thanks Donny for this topic. It's important for those thinking of leaving or who have left and have not yet realized why they feel like they do to know they are not alone. My husband is a born in and he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that the religion is either at root or a big part of the psychological problems people have to deal with.

  I went through all those stages rather quickly and it was quite a roller coaster except for the reinvolvement. Even when I felt my worst after leaving it was better than being a JW. For years I couldn't figure out why I was constantly depressed and felt empty. I felt so guilty all the time, I was supposed to be happy for being in the truth and yet I was never complete. When I realized the religion was a lie my life and my feelings about it made sense. No one could pay me enough to ever go back, living a life that is unfulfilled and where you are denied being your authentic self is not worth it.
  
  I still deal with guilt in regards to pushing my kid into being a publisher and helping others to become JW's. My anger towards the leadership stems from their arrogance and their manipulation of sincere people like my husband and friends. Everyday I wonder if my husband will ever wake up and that adds a moment of sadness. The pain of that lessens with each day but it's something that I'll have to live with. It's countered by the joy I have in knowing that my leaving has given my children a way out and hope for a much more fulfilled life than their parents have.