Hello--new to the witnesses...and you

by LKM 85 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  InterestedOne

  Does he have any family at all, maybe extended, that is not JW that he could be in contact with?
• 

  pbrow

  lkm,

  I dont know any other way to say this. Your boyfriend needs to man up for his children. If you in any way pretend that the dubs are the normal way of life you will have an extremely difficult time in your future. He needs to sacrifice his past friendships and family contacts for the emotional well being of his future, his kids, you. Do you want your kids around people that think that you are a mistake??!! I dont mean to be extreme but you are dealing with a fundamentalist religion. You can deal with it. Your boyfriend can deal with it. Your children's mindset and how they see the world are being formed right now, with the help of the Jehovahs Witnesses. As long as they are in contact with Jehovah's Witnessess the bubble will be present. Burst the bubble!! Get them involved in as many things as possible. You will be amazed how quickly your children will reject the JW bubble when you and your boyfriend are not pretending that you are in! Let the kids see you take a stand instead of just "fading" Fading has its place but its not when you have children being raised in the religion.

  Think about it from your kids perspective. Show them that you are willing to make a stand!! Fading when you have kids still associated with the "society" is the wrong move. Make his family loosen their rigid stance when it comes to shunning if they want to have contact with their grandkids. Its harsh but it is the best way if you have kids inside. Remember, your number one goal is to make sure the kids do not get baptized into this religion. I am speaking with passion because this is exactly what I am dealing with now.
  
  I wish you the best.

  pbrow
• 

  Rabbit

  LKM, Welcome

  Jewel's experiences and words are spot on. His xwife will never, ever leave y'all alone. She will use her their son as as JW weapon...I know. I tried to appease my ex in many of the same ways, I gave up so many things for so many years after we separated. All this did was give my x the time she needed to turn our kids against me.

  Honesty...is something their son, and your future stepson will notice. And, it's a hell of a lot easier to do. Be yourselves. Don't let the WT corp. make you pretend or be dishonest -- even for such a noble cause.

  Besides...like many have said...from years of experience -- it just won't work.

  Irregardless, good luck in whatever you decide.
• 

  Jewel

  5. he does not believe anything JW

  He is going to have to lie like crazy to get reinstated, then. I would think you'd have to get married and then he could try for reinstatement. But he is going to have to do more than just go to the occasional meeting...he's going to have to go to EVERY meeting. He's going to have to meet with the elders repeatedly. He's going to have to profess repentance, remorse and regret (over and over and over). He's going to have to study the Bible with someone.

  And then...you'll be back to what I wrote before. If his son is with you and you have birthday cards on a shelf or a Christmas tree or ANYTHING the least bit not allowed the deal will be up. The ex-wife will be asking the son to watch for this stuff and if he sees anything like this it will go to the elders. When I was early in my fade, they "blamed" my husband for some of that stuff (we had a Christmas tree, for instance). BUT that won't work for you. He will be expected to be head of the household and will be responsible for what you do. You will have to keep up this charade for as long as he doesn't want to be disfellowshipped again.

  AND it won't just be you...any children you have together will have to live like this as well. The only thing that makes being raised in this religion bearable is if you are a true believer. You will be asking your children to live like this EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T believe. Are you ready to tell any children you have together that they can't have a birthday party in case their stepbrother (or grandparents-bf's family) catch wind of it?
• 

  ShadesofGrey

  I couldn't agree more with pbrow. Standing ovation!

  I agree with all, but just highlighting this part:

  He needs to sacrifice his past friendships and family contacts for the emotional well being of his kids.

  Not only do you run the risk of your kids becoming JWs and losing them as a result, but my DD (9 years old and we were never very active) has already picked up on the JW phobias of death and the Great Tribulation. I have had to really work to get the fear of death out of her. Phobias are evil and JW organization is run on them. Don't put the kids through that. Set them free.
• 

  ShadesofGrey

  This is a good point too: Does he have any family at all, maybe extended, that is not JW that he could be in contact with?

  I have found so many!