In love with a JW... (page 11)

DaCheech

ooooooooh yeah james, they justify it by claiming that "children" drink milk, and "adults" eat meat!

so they won't tell a newbie all the hard truth, because they can't swallow it!

Sorry, I should have added this before... My bloke is 27 and has been through one Witness marriage already. He was married to an American girl and emigrated out there, but the culture shock and lack of work was too great for him and the marriage broke down. He moved back to the UK, and although legally divorced when he was 25 years old, he was not scriptually divorced, so by being with me, he was committing adultery.

He has since been granted a scriptual divorce and his KH "allowed" him to date a JW girl. She sadly suffered with mental health issues and tragically committed suicide just before Christmas. It was around this time that he initially reached back out to me, as he admitted that he had no one else to talk through the way he was feeling. We spent a lot of days texting back and forth around that time, and then he went silent on me again. I don't know why he has contacted me this time, but I did tell him to leave me alone if he wasn't serious about us being together as it was too difficult on me to be in contact with him otherwise.

I don't know if this changes anything about the discussion so far, but I know it was very difficult for him...

james_woods - "theocratic strategy" sounds terrible!

mind blown

Darling UK, there is no way you can truly get to know someone in three weeks, how he problem solves, his true moods, his bad habits (we all have them) ...the thing in getting to know someone is seeing what is acceptable for YOUR life happiness and what is not. If anything, have a long engagment so you can really get to know him, as well as what your getting into as far as the religion.

I wouldn't be totally convinced his x girl had mental illness, she may have been unhappy because the WTS is a huge pshycological mind fuck. So I would have to have more proof of the mental condition of this poor girl.

I'm going to play advocate with this line. He's a guy who hasn't been sexed or hasn't in a long time. You're probley the first in a while and he may just be having a moment of pant buldge. With that being said, I hope I'm wrong but you won't know until he proves himself. Remember ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS...

james_woods

Sorry, I should have added this before... My bloke is 27 and has been through one Witness marriage already. He was married to an American girl and emigrated out there, but the culture shock and lack of work was too great for him and the marriage broke down. He moved back to the UK, and although legally divorced when he was 25 years old, he was not scriptually divorced, so by being with me, he was committing adultery.

He has since been granted a scriptual divorce and his KH "allowed" him to date a JW girl. She sadly suffered with mental health issues and tragically committed suicide just before Christmas. It was around this time that he initially reached back out to me, as he admitted that he had no one else to talk through the way he was feeling.

Seriously, UK - this whole thing is sounding more and more like a head-on train wreck as it goes along.

For one thing, the above is not the track record of someone who loves you as much as you seem to love him.

N.drew

He is damaged emotionally.

There is a character on the TV show House. Her husband died of cancer I think. She becomes interested in romance where she becomes the emotional fix it partner. She is looking to take care of someone who needs her. Are you like her CuriousUK?

CuriousUK

N.drew - I agree that he may well be damaged emotionally by his previous experiences. When I met him and fell for him, I knew nothing of his JW beliefs and he did not initially tell me as he thought it would send me running for the hills...

I just want him to be happy in himself and his life, and I want him to make those decisions for himself, ideally with my support, but without my input. And from the amazing advice and stories here, also choose not to be a JW, but I realise that is a huge decision that only he can make, and he may well change his mind later on in life, and that is something I have to think about for myself.

I appreciate the comments about not really knowing someone after three weeks, and it makes perfect sense. I really can't explain the feelings and emotional side of this because it doesn't make sense to anyone in the rational world - it barely makes sense to me!

There are so many contradictions about him and his behaviour. Sometimes he acts like the perfect JW, and then it feels like I am actually talking to him for real...

Still waiting for my email response from him

Chariklo

Curious, it's important to realise this truth about JW's. They are not truthful, and they are prepared to lie and twist the truth, but it is often very subtle, because they are taught and encouraged to do so. They just don't call it lying.

ooooooooh yeah james, they justify it by claiming that "children" drink milk, and "adults" eat meat!

so they won't tell a newbie all the hard truth, because they can't swallow it!

DaCheech has it exactly. Remeber that the "children" so treated can be adults, even someone very mature. Anyone who doesn't accept the WT line totally will be "spiritually weak" and a "babe" who must be fed milk. This was said to me at one point, and I'm long past my sell by date.

But...please forgive me if this sounds harsh....as with several others here, I am hearing alarm bells ringing as I read about how you see him as a soul-mate, and about the feelings and emotional side of this. Clearly, there's an instant attraction and more, maybe a sense of destiny? Of being made for each other? Could there also be just a touch of unattainability about it? Of risk? Of being able to make this work despite all the odds stacked against it?

I'm not being sarcastic or cynical, and I hope I'm not coming over like that. In my rather long and varied life I've done 20+ years of relationship counselling, and there is a pattern of two people feeling this kind of destiny thing, plus strong attraction...sometimes against parental disapproval (Romeo and Juliet) sometimes against society, rather often with someone who is "forbidden" by being already married (not in your case) but maybe you can see a hint of these patterns in this case, even though it's you, because I think you'll find a lot of people on here are sharing my concerns. There is also the attractive certainy that one's love is so strong that it can survive against anything...really and truly, this kind of feeling, particularly when based on such short acquaintance, is almost always founded on fantasy.

Here, in this instance, on this forum, there is the added factor of real danger in the form of Jehovah's Witnesses. Please don't think that careful planning and careful question-and-answer will see you through this all right.

It really won't.

sizemik

There are so many contradictions about him and his behaviour. Sometimes he acts like the perfect JW, and then it feels like I am actually talking to him for real...

Astute observation on your part and a critical one. It's something common to all cult members who undergo thought and behavioural control. It's commonly referred to as the "cult personality" v the "genuine personality".

The perfect JW is the cult personality. By questioning his beliefs for him, you typically invoke the cult-induced response and can actually inadvertently confirm his cult mindset. The "real him" is the genuine personality . . . and the level you need to communicate on as much as possible. The two personalities have buried conflicts . . . and so appealing to the genuine personality empowers it.

He will only successfully question his beliefs when the time is right . . . and you will need to be very careful if prompting him to do that. Once that cult defence is induced toward you personally . . . you've burned your bridges somewhat.

wannabefree

CuriousUK, this man is unavailable, he is mentally not quite right, don't be his girl in waiting, move on with your life, find someone who deserves your love and reciprocates, you are a valuable person, you don't want to be this man's mother.

Best wishes.

dm6

I would just like to say that I think CuriousUK seems like a very nice person.

Unfortunately, I am getting a very bad feeling about what is going to happen with this relationship.

seconded.

In love with a JW...

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