And also, many many thanks for the concern and thoughts in my absence - it is greatly touching xx
In love with a JW...
by CuriousUK 156 Replies latest social relationships
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nugget
You need to proceed with caution. When JWs talk of love they do not mean the same thing as other people. It sounds to me as though he doesn't know what he wants and he is keeping you dangling. This is unfair and unkind.
The number of hours he does in the service is irrelevant he probably counted the time you spent together. If he is an active witness then no good can come of this. It is good you were able to ask the questions you wanted to ask but I would urge you to distance yourself emotionally from this man.
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CuriousUK
Nugget - can you explain further what you mean when you say that when JWs talk of love that they do not mean the same thing as other people?
I completely agree that he does not know what he wants and is very confused right now. I don't think it was any accident that the first place he suggested for dinner was the place that we had our first date, and I know that he was breaking the rules from when he was reproved by even being on his own with me.
I am at something of a crossroads in my life (notwithstanding this issue) and he has been encouraging me to develop spiritually before making any decisions. I also discovered for the first time that he had been Church of England before he became JW (although I had always been previously lead to believe he had grown up a JW) - I am really now really struggling to ascertain what is the truth about him, apart from when his true feelings for me actually surface (and of which I have no doubt). But when he is in "JW mode" I feel like he is just telling me what he thinks I want to hear...
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DesirousOfChange
But when he is in "JW mode" I feel like he is just telling me what he thinks I want to hear...
You got that right!
His ideal situation would be for you to "study" and see "The Truth" and convert and be a good JW wife and help him achieve higher status in the religion.
Doc
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CuriousUK
I think I am probably more confused now about him than I was when I started this thread! Having read other threads today, I am glad that my situation might be helping others too...
When we met up and had dinner it wasn't like I was spending time with a JW; it just felt like I was spending time with the man I fell in love with... But when we were talking later about the JW questions that I have, it felt like I was talking to an entirely different person...
But since then, he hasn't really spoken to me at all... I wonder if seeing me has confused him all over again. Not confused enough to question the validity of his beliefs, but enough to feel he has to distance himself again.
I would really like to hear more from jgnat; found her post so fascinating... All the advice has been amazing, but hers is the first story I have heard where it actually has worked out.
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CuriousUK
I am having serious problems with PM (reading and sending) so apologies to those of you that have messaged me - I am not deliberately ignoring you.
jgnat - if you are still following this thread, I tried to email you through your hotmail address, but it bounced straight back
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cheerios
he is the classic example of living a double life. if he does that now, how do you think he will act after you are married?
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CuriousUK
Does this double life happen a lot with JW men? I have been reading other threads on this forum and it seems that there are a lot of guys who seem to have these "religion breaks" where they go out and have whatever fun they like, then return penitent later...
Whilst I truly believe that the behaviour of my JW man is not maliciously playing with my emotions or just out for fun (he had plenty of opportunity to make a move on me when we were alone recently and didn't). I think he just doesn't know what he wants.
I'm learning so much about JW here, and I am greatly appreciative of all the comments. I just wish that JW was as inclusive and tolerant as other religions and that we could just co-exist without either of us changing
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Chariklo
he has been encouraging me to develop spiritually before making any decisions.
Believe me, what JW's mean by "spiritual" and "develop spiritually" bears no relation whatsoever to what Anglicans, Catholics and Methodists, for instance, mean by the same words. I learned that to my cost.
My very deep and extensive Anglican/Catholic background led me to assume that "spiritual" meant prayerful, contemplative, perhaps active in good works, and that "spiritually-minded" meant putting the things of God first. To JW's, "spiritual" etc means learning about and believing in WT teachings, accepting the edicts of the faithful and discreet slave (de facto the Governing Body and through them the Circuit Overseer and the elders) and most of all actively and unquestioningly obeying them as the mouthpiece of God, the conveyors of what "Jehovah wants".Working with dedication in the field service would be part of it.
Seriously. That's what they mean. It is not what you will always have thought those words to mean. And it's just one example of the way JW's have their own vocabulary, made-upwords unique to them and ordinary words with meanings unique to them. I think there's more than one thread here about this.
Whilst I truly believe that the behaviour of my JW man is not maliciously playing with my emotions or just out for fun (he had plenty of opportunity to make a move on me when we were alone recently and didn't). I think he just doesn't know what he wants.
It's very interesting that he is not a born-in JW but a convert. In my time with the JW's I've met many converts from Anglican, Catholic and Methodist backgrounds. Almost without exception, they are every bit as indoctrianted and zealous as born-ins and in many cases more so. It sounds as if your chap isn't currently all that zealous but he will be every bit as indoctrinated. As I've mentioned before, I very nearly became a fully-fledged JW, realising only just in time the reality of what I was about to do. I was definitely getting indoctrinated, although being an awkward-minded, analytical kind of person it was all a bit more on the surface than I admitted even to myself. But that's another story. Still, I do know how thorough the indoctrination is. He absolutely knows what he has to do, what is expected of him....and, he is also aware that if he ever gets you to agree to a "study" (nothing to do with studying as you and I know it) that would be a big feather in his cap.
Sorry to be cynical, but it's the truth.
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CuriousUK
"It's very interesting that he is not a born-in JW but a convert. In my time with the JW's I've met many converts from Anglican, Catholic and Methodist backgrounds. Almost without exception, they are every bit as indoctrianted and zealous as born-ins and in many cases more so."
Nothing wrong with being cynical - I agree! Since he was reproved, I have been very aware he has been doing everything he can to repair his weak image with the congregation, and it feels like he is almost trying too hard to make up for not being born in... And I think he genuinely believes he is doing the right thing in bringing me to the JWs and "saving" me, despite my own personal religious beliefs. I also am starting to understand the personal struggle he must be having in wanting to see me and spend time with me, but trying to balance that with his beliefs... He knows what is expected of him as you say, but there is a chink in his armour. I sometimes describe us as being each others kryptonite!
The indoctrination must be so strong, and I am glad that he is thinking about moving away from living with his Witness grandparents and getting his own place in a larger town, as one poster said earlier (or possibly on another thread), it might give him chance to see the wider world differently, without the small town constraints and mentality of everyone snooping on each other and reporting back every misdemanour to the KH... I am not saying that this will give us a chance to be together properly, but at least he might find some freedom.