How do you change the dynamics of a relationship?
I made a huge mistake
by KariOtt 63 Replies latest jw friends
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nugget
The error was to buy something religious as his gift to you. However he should be more grateful for the effort you put in to your anniversary and the fact that you were happy to buy your own gift not putting any pressure on him. If he expressed no appreciation and had done nothing for you then he has no right to complain about ANYTHING. Next anniversary go out for a slap up meal with a girlfriend and leave him at home, or book yourself into a spa for the weekend and let him fend for himself. He is unappreciative and petty his mistake was not to treat you with the respect, love and kindness you deserve.
JWs are notoriously tight especially if the are allowed to get away with it.
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jgnat
SBF, by reacting differently. Set up consequences in your favour. If one partner is frequently uncomfortable, the dynamics are off.
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slimboyfat
Can you recommend any good books on the subject? I tend to be a bit fatalistic about these things.
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jgnat
I would have to write it, SBF. I learned this raising teenagers. I changed the rules so they were sweating instead of me. Marriages are more complex of course, but ultimately the wage earner has the power. If the dependent one wants to change the dynamic, they can start earning a separate wage. If the wage earner is stuck in old patterns, he might consider breaking one.
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slimboyfat
I never thought money was the most important thing determining the course of a relationship. I have more money but I certainly don't feel I have more power.
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KariOtt
Update..... We celebrate 7 years on the 5th of October. we haven't celebrated our anniversary yet. Yes I purchased both gifts with his money as I do not work for tax reasons. When we married hubby was very inactive and showed no signs of returning when we said I do. I have come to my own reasons as to why he returned all of which are selfish. Since he is so well practiced in lying for theocratic warfare I belive I figured out why he returned. Anyway there was never a problem of how I spent "our" money before he returned to the cult. After almost divorcing 6 months ago and explaining to my hubby that this is all I have to look foward to celebrate with him now since we no longer have any holidays to celebrate. Yes to keep the peace I don't celebrate any holidays anymore. In the past we have always celebrated our anniversary. He is not and has never been a gift giver. I am. Since I no longer get any gifts durring the year when you would normally recieve a gift I thought that this year I would start exchanging gifts. Thats why I purchased my cross for myself. Hopping that next year he would buy a gift for me and I for him. I wanted to start something new. My bad.
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cofty
We used to make a big deal of anniversaries as it was the only thing you could celebrate.
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jgnat
SBF, that all depends if you are exercising your power.
You know the difference between a predictable plot and novels that offer characters with depth. Good character development allows for the person to develop, change. Might you be short-changing your partner by assuming she cannot change?
I heard the story of Simon and Angharad's exit again when I visited last weekend. Angharad pointed out that she finked her husband out to the elders. Her eye-opening moment was when she saw that the elders had no defensible argument against what Simon had to say. They ended weakly with an admonition not to share what he knew to the larger congregation. From then on, she made her way out at her husband's side.
This lovely couple exited before there was a support group or a board like this that provides advice, tips on a relatively pain free exit.
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jgnat
How does he express his love to you?
What are your ambitions for your future?