Sadly, fading is bad for my marriage

by stillin 62 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • stillin
    stillin

    While headship has always been a problem in my marriage, partly because I'm more of a team player and my wife has man issues, now that I'm clearly fading my wife feels that I have nothing of worth to say.

    I resist the idea of divorce but this is not much of a marriage. Since she doesn't/ can't hold down a job alimony would be ridiculously expensive. Cheaper to keep her, as they say.

    I get zero cooperation or even discussion for any adjustments I feel might be in order for us as we grow older: obabmacare? "We don't need that. I favor alternative treatments." Downsizing? "I need space and it's a GOOD thing to have a mortgage on your home" saving for retirement? "They"ll be throwing their money into the streets, the bible says." end of discussion, no respect for my opinion, even though I am the one who is working to keep up this lifestyle.

    She is an endless supply of American consumerism. Always needs something, just sits on the couch with her laptop ordering things off of the internet. It seems like I come home from work to find that the earnings for today are already gone.

    I dread the day that we ever have to move out of our house, it's so full of stuff. I have a secret campaign going of getting rid of things, but I know I'm only scratching the surface.

    And the real gut-wrencher is that I wonder whether, if I were a super-JW, would she be any different?

    lastly, I'm not even "getting any" anymore!

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    I resist strong suggestions for you. Drag her before a marriage counselor. Put your foot down on spending and saving and insist on your way or the highway. Easy for me to say, but difficult to implement. But I will say that if some of this cannot actually be done, then it is not "cheaper to keep her" in the long run. Downsizing would become a necessary evil if you split up. No matter the financial hurt now, a split would allow you to do at least some retirement planning eventually.

    I am not suggesting a split. I am suggesting that you really look at your options fairly. Can nothing really be done? Are you really better off letting sleeping dogs lie? Do you need her cooperation to sign up for decent healthcare? Can you cut off the credit cards if she keeps spending what you don't have?

  • NewYork44M
    NewYork44M

    Stillin,

    Your situation sounds very close to my situation from about 10 years ago. I wish you the best and don't want to suggest that my path should be yours, but after all said and done, I have a damn good life.

    I wish you the best. Send me a pm if you want some details.

  • OneGenTwoGroups
    OneGenTwoGroups

    I'm about to go to stage 2 of my fade, mid-December. Stage 1 was stopping pioneering and being an elder. I'm still doing sound control, commenting, and about 5 hours a month. This has been going on for 1.5 years, and I've been an atheist for 2 years already. She's still a true believer and very emotional about it.

    My sexual desire towards my wife took a beating once I de-converted. We are still sexually active, but it's maybe a twice per month thing now.

    The idea of divorce or separation scares the shit out of me, but I'm with you, wtf kind of marriage is this? We have no kids. I like talking about science, politics, social issues and especially how messed up religion is. But my wife likes talking about theocratic things and JWs. I hate socializing with JWs, I have NOTHING in common with these people. So besides complimentary sex organs, I'm not seeing a lot of things in common right now with my wife of 18 years.

    Stage 2 of my fade is shutting down ALL theocratic activity and clamming up to any questions or suggestions from JWs. You and I will probably be in similar boats in a few months.

    Wouldn't it be nice if there were clear cut paths to take when in our situations?

  • DS211
    DS211

    One time my wife and i were at a friends house and the wife says to my wife "is there anything thats more of a turn on than a spiritual man?" sorry mate but most "sisters", because sex goes hand in hand with emotions for them, may not find a brother attractive or as sexually desirable "without Jehovah". Jw husbands are effed because women in the org (because of the GB) place so much on the headship .

    "no family worship in the last three weeks? you understand its your job right?!?! Its VITAL!!" ===no nookie for you.

    im sorry you have to go through this, i was in a similar situation when i opened up a little about my doubts...and a similar thing happened. Once challenged your almost brought to a swinelike level immediately.

  • KateWild
    KateWild

    Stillin, I am afraid many are shallow in this world. I suppose I was a high maintenance wife too. But to get a hubby in the first place looks are everything. There is no such thing as an ugly woman, just a lazy or poor one!!!! No man picks a wife for personality alone, does he?

    My parents are in their 70s. My dad says the most things that cause probs in a marrige are infidelity and money. Sounds like you have been married a while, and put up with money issues your whole marriage. In your OP you quite clearly state even if you divorce there are still going to be money issues to deal with.

    I am very young (IMO lol!) So I have no advice to give you. Looks like you know your situation and you know your options.

    From a mans perspective this is what my ex did to solve his money issues, and divorce issues. Lied about me to get custody. Packed in his job to live on welfare/benefits, and told me I have to get a job and pay him. He is a JW. I don't think you are like him or your conscience would allow you to be decietful to swindle your wife.

    Kate xx

  • hoser
    hoser

    Ohkay......

    Why do you let your wife financially abuse you like that?

    Does she have a medical condition like OCD that is manifesting itself in shopping mentality?

    Suggestion make her responsible for her own finances. Get rid of your joint accounts joint credit cards anything with both names on it. Start your own accounts and charge cards separate of each other. Give her a generous allowance to buy the groceries or whatever she buys for the house.

    Most importantly pay yourself FIRST. Take a wage for yourself out of your pay for your own personal spending and YOUR retirement. Set up a 401 or whatever they call it there for YOU.

    She's using you like an ATM !

  • BluePill2
    BluePill2

    stillin and OneGenTwoGroups (wow, THIS is an interesting name ), we almost walk the same path. Your situations remind me exactly how mine was. I say was, because I went over the ugly divorce thing (costing me visitation and time with my daughter as my ex-wife moved away).

    Now that I look back, it is a strange thing. I actually loved her, but then on the other hand the constant bickering and bitching about me "becoming weak" and not doing Family study and not reading the Daily text really not only broke the camels back, but the whole camel was going to hang himself. I stayed in the marriage for 5 more years and made her and my Life miserable. I wished there where another solution but time was running out and nowhere didn't the situation look to improve (to the contrary: with a small child that is being indoctrinated, the differences and discussions only became more).

    I am sorry for your situation - remember that we are a lot more alike than we think. Others have walked your path and found peace and a good Life. Difficult but not impossible. What one man can do another can do. I am not suggesting anything. Good luck mate.

  • DesirousOfChange
    DesirousOfChange

    DITTO HOSER's comment, esp the "she's using you" part of it.

    stillin: my wife has man issues

    My friend, maybe YOU have "man issues" or at least issues being the man.

    Go to the bank, empty the accounts and take charge.

    Cancel every joint credit card.

    Notify any account that is in her name only that YOU will not be responsible for it (and that she has no income).

    When the elders call or stop by (prob after she complains to them) simply tell them that the reason for your inactivity is the "depression" from her failure to be in subjection to you as head of the family. Tell them you believe that SHE has caused your family to lose Jehovah's Blessing.

    Doc

  • baltar447
    baltar447

    Dude she's a spoiled brat. Tell her to grow up and knock the spending off. And drag her a$$ to a counselor. If she bitches call her out on her hypocracy and materialism. Man up!

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