You need to stop beating yourself up
You misunderstand me if you think I beat myself up. Whatever it took to finally just believe God was worth it. It is the greatest acheivement of my life. Many many "do-overs" got me there. Now life is good, success is a mostly daily, if not moment by moment at times.... reality.
Believing God is the greatest work in the world. It's dividends are endless because God is endless.
"I am the LORD, and there is none else, there is no God beside me:"
"Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves;"