Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread (page 16)

reagan_oconnor

...and another...

I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul.

waiting

Maaaannnnn!

So many "keepers"!!!!!

I print them out for my husband and the jw guy I work with (he'll read xjw jokes but not our forum - go figure.)

There'll be silence for a minute - then laughter. Thanks, guys.

waiting

Caole

What a great thread! Is it really never-ending?

Waiting, Seven, Gopher, Rcat, and Reagan...thanks for making me smile...and laugh

Here's a couple of role-reversal toons that crack me up!

waiting

Sent to me by my sister, Patio:

Martha Stewart and Me

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

*****
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

*****
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*****
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

*****
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

*****
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

*****
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

*****
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

*****
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

*****
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

*****
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

*****
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

*****
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

*****
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

*****
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

*****
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

*****
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

*****
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

*****
Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

waiting

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees'home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for"?

Still whispering the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"Me."

Patio - at work.

GinnyTosken

Hi, folks!

I found this one on the "Walking Bitch's White Trash Diner" site while I was searching for white trash humor.

http://wb.bappy.com/

Ginny

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer ... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon cherie, I
believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."

waiting

Howdy!

I'll have to thump on over there if you can find that good of white trash fun!

Thanks for the chuckle - now that I'm a card carrying violent woman, guess I'll just go where I darned well please, eh?

waiting

Gopher

ACTUAL INSTRUCTION LABELS

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

GopherAlways do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

waiting

A Moment's Sobering (kinda)thought:

I try to collect The Best of the Best from this thread and all the other jokes coming to xjw's, including JanG's off my e-mail.

I have a file appropriately called "Jokes" - and I've missed a lot of 'em.

Some guy I know was in our store, and I had printed out one for him. He was so impressed with it. I said I'd print out my Joke file for him, not knowing it was 25 standard page, single lined.

He knew it was from a forum, but not what kind. I told him - and he looked at me like I was an alien. The word "apostate" only works on Jehovah's Witnesses.

There's treasures here, and on other joke threads, that are truly unique.

I love joke threads!

Thanks for all the chuckles.

waiting

Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

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