Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread (page 19)

Skimmer

Sad to say, the lighthouse joke is not a true story.

* http://www.chinfo.navy.mil/navpalib/questions/litehuse.html

waiting

Hey Skimmer,

Sad to say, the lighthouse joke is not a true story.

When I first read what you wrote - I thought "Thank God, we americans aren't quite as arrogant as we sound in that transmission."

I fired Douglas MacArthur because he wouldn't respect the office of the president. I didn't fire him because he was a dumb son of a bitch, althought he was. Harry S. Truman, President of USA

Hey Caole & Kismet!

Thanks for the endless giggles with my coffee. This, and the other joke threads, are the only threads I can get my husband to read - but he doesn't giggle.

waiting

reagan_oconnor

Two rednecks were walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other asked what was in the sack.

The first redneck said, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm... Chicken sure will hit the spot tonight!"

The second redneck asked, "how many chickens are in the sack?"

"Well I'll tell you what," replied the first redneck. "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack I'll give 'em both to you!"

I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul.

reagan_oconnor

A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him strikes up a conversation.

"You see the fishing pier out that window?" asks the Scot. "I built that pier with me own bare hands. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Pier-maker?' No." And he takes a drink of his whisky.

"You see the beautiful bar you're seated at? I planed it down with me own achin' back. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Bar-maker?' No." And he takes a drink of his whisky.

"You see that long, stone fence in the distance? I built that fence by meself, stone upon stone. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Fence-maker?' No." And he takes a drink of his whisky.

"But you fuck one goat."

I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul.

waiting

Hey Reagan!

.....one goat.

GREAT JOKE!!!!!

This is a "quickie" from my sister, Patio.
********************************

Q: How many born-again Christians does it take to change
a lightbulb?

A: One to change the bulb and about 500 to go outside
and shout "I've seen the light!"

waiting

Faraon

Q: How many Jehovah's Pharisees does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: A majority vote from the Sanhedrin to change the bulb, but the bulb must be changed very frequently due to constant bulb burn-outs produced by very rapid on-off and light intensity changes of "new light"

JRP
If I wanted your opinion, I would beat it out of you (seen in a bumper sticker)

waiting

Hey Faraon,

Ohhhhhhh, now they start..........

Q. How many persons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four. One woman & three men.

One woman to actually change the damned thing that's been out for a week, and three men to tell her how to do it, from the couch.

waiting

Seven

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

.

Faraon

Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

Q: How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the mineral water.

Q: How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only One.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be- tween the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

JRP
If I wanted your opinion, I would beat it out of you (seen in a bumper sticker)

waiting

Hey Faraon!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

My son's in law school and my daughter is marrying a lawyer.......

does my answer make me a feminist or a mom?

Hey Seven!

You are a cruel woman. giggle. giggle. That picture is sooooo.....odd. giggle. giggle.

waiting

Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

Share this