Awwwwww, now my ego's involved - can't let the thread pass on to oblivion!
Reasons for Kickin' Ass - Southern Style
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine,
Luther Ray, Sally Jo, Jody Ruth, Bubba, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth,
Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). or we will just HAVE to kick
your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down
here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi,
RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
(e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies,
or as dumb hicks, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex,
Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally,
we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter,
Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we
are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our
state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do
that, we would kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened
to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of
sending Pickett up the side, we'd be visting your sorry states instead of vice versa and......
if you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll
kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell
out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like
God intended-with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits,
or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and
you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern
shit holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the
scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready
when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this
way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care
if you don't understand what we are saying. All other
Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that
matters. Now, go away and leave us lone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None
of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine
about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back
to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in
the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live
in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore.
15)Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
16) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell
us how to cook barbecue, chili, fried chicken or cajun food. This
will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass!
