by DakotaRed 57 Replies latest jw friends
dakota red,
thanks for the reply. i'm so happy for you that you're at a place in your life where you can move on a bit from this. i hope that i too will get to a similar place. your posts will be missed, but it sounds like you have a life of your own to live and enjoy.
be happy
sisteract
Lew, I agree with everyone, that has to be an excruciatingly painful memory to share. Thank you for sharing in order for others to be aware. The thought of a child being so totally and completely abandoned by the one that should be his safe haven, leaves a hole in my heart.
Dakota,
I understand some of what you are feeling. My husband who never was a JW, was also molested, not by his parents, but by one of his father's brothers. He carried this pain for many years until finally admitting it to his parents when he was 21. The abuse took place between the ages of 11 and 15.
The awful thing about it all is that his parents continued to allow this pedophile to visit their home even though they knew he molested their own son! I cannot fathom how insensitive they are! There would be no way in the world that I would ever allow anybody who molested my child into my home. Their stupid excuse was that "it happened so long ago" and to just forget it.
Well I'm sorry, I wasn't there, but I can't forget it! My husband has been through hell and back dealing with the guilt and shame of having been molested. He had confessed to me that at one time he thought he had brought it on himself! The thing is too, even though they were never JW's, another one of the uncles is a Methodist minister too, and so they look like a very normal Christian family. The secret of being molested has been in the closet for years. And my husband is still very embarassed about it, as if he did something wrong.
This is another reason why this SilentLambs thing hits home so hard for me. I'm married to a sexual abuse survivor.
Cynthia
((((((((((((((((((Dakota Red))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm not happy that this horrible thing was done to you. I am glad that you broke your silence. It takes alot of courage to stand up and say "this happened to me".
I read your post a few minutes ago, and I had to walk away from the computer. I came back to give you hugs and support and appreciation for what it took to post that.
You are a silent ram no more. I am sure that your post will help someone here, or lurking to realize that it is always the abuser's fault, regardless of one's bodily reactions.
Please take care of yourself - and stay around for a long time. We love ya.
Mim/Salem
B-L-E-S-S Y-O-U-R Pea-Pickin' 'Lil H-E-A-R-T DakotaRed!!!!!!!!
(Since you were raised in Florida, I know you'll get that Pea-Pickin' part!)
THANK YOU for your COURAGE in sharing your experience of abuse at the hands of your Mom. That took a lot of guts because, as you said, most of the talk is always about the abuse of women, so maybe that makes it easier for us to tell our stories. We are {{{{{sorry}}}}} if we have made any of you male survivors feel {{{{{left out.}}}}}
What a horrendous Mind-Warping thing you endured as a son. You are a Silent Ram SURVIVOR, and Silent NO MORE at that! I wish I was going to NY, I would MOST DEFINITELY carry a lamb specifically in YOUR Honor! I am so glad to hear your daughters have embraced your past with you. I am glad you have them in your life.
It was always something I wanted to investigate further, the effects of abuse on boys/men as compared to women (all my brothers were abused by a pedophile uncle). But I was so wrapped up in learning about my own abuse, that I never did get a book I heard about in the early '90s, "Abused Boys," by Mick Hunter, I believe. I'm sure there are other books out there that deal SPECIFICALLY with the AFTER-effects of abuse on boys. I would even venture to guess that sexual abuse by a boy's own MOTHER may be even MORE devastating than any other kind (not minimizing others' abuse at the hands of male adults, but it just seems MORE SICK for a Mom to do such things).
I hope this doesn't depress you more, but here's some other thoughts that come to mind... My ONLY insight into mother/son abuse is from a TV-movie I saw probably in the early 90's (there were a LOT of TV-movies about sex abuse during those years, and believe me, I watched ALL of them). But this one was DIFFERENT because it was about a son who was abused by his mother. The son was played by Gregory Harrison. (Remember him? In the "old days" he played the sidekick of Pernell Roberts in the "Trapper John, M.D." TV series). The movie was of Gregory Harrison as a grown-up but all of his emotional turmoil and the flashbacks he was having of his mother abusing him. It was Very Disturbing and upsetting, but it was also VERY GOOD & VERY REVEALING. I wish I could remember the exact NAME of the movie, but I'm sorry, I don't. Maybe you saw it? (Gregory Harrison has played some very dramatic roles, and he's very good at it, imho). What I remember the most about the movie was how 'crazy' he was feeling as an adult, and his "flashbacks" of his mother calling him into her room when she would be sitting at her vanity, and the soft voice she would use to persuade him to begin brushing her hair, and his guts would be wrenched because that's how it would start each time, by her wanting him to brush her hair.
We know alot about why/what drives men/fathers to abuse their daughters. But what drives a mother to do such a thing to her son? I wonder what the psych books say about this particular type of abuse. And I also wonder in what way the after-effects differ from women survivors. I know the effects are different though just as devastating, but like I said, I have not studied up on it specifically. Do you feel like the worst is over? That you have found peace about it? Or are the demons (of abused psyche) still haunting you? I surely hope you are doing OKAY.
Your physical abuse part of your story reminds me of another man who wrote a book (I have not read the book but have seen this man several times on Oprah). You may have heard of this man. The book he wrote is called, "The Boy Called 'IT.' " (or, "The Boy Named 'IT'"). That was the name his mother called him all the time, "IT." And she physically abused him unmercifully, singling out him over his siblings. His mom was an acoholic. And his dad just let it all happen. (I do not think there was sexual abuse though). I don't know if books like this would be more upsetting or a healing for you-??? When I was going thru my intial "awakening" to my abuse, I couldn't get enough of books, movies, documentaries, talk-shows on the subject of abuse, etc. I don't read books much anymore, but I still watch anything on the subject, and probably always will.
Hope I'm not depressing you, because I'd like to share something else... This man I dated for almost a decade, I had always wondered if possibly his mother did something to him. He's been a drug addict and an alcoholic, though dry on both counts for years. But he does have chronic depression, sometimes more acute than other times. He surrounds himself with older women (even tho he is now 54, so the women are like in their 70's). The line of work he is in is the "official reason" but I still wonder... And he does not know how to say "no" to these women who "suck the life out of him" professionally. However, the biggest reason I wonder is because he would cry if he speaks of his mother (especially during his "drinking days" he would cry and cry. His mom is deceased from quite a while ago). He has such guilt where his mother is concerned. He says it's because he "disappointed her" when he was into drugs, etc. etc. Of course I have asked him if his mom ever did anything to him, but he says No Way. He admits, instead, that grown men did "try" to get to him (abuse-wise) when he was a boy and a teen, but that he "always got away" from them (before they could actually do anything to him). To be honest, I never quite believed him on these things. I always felt he was not totally opening up on that. I do understand it's harder for men to speak of these things. I'm sure this man WAS abused by SOMEBODY, whether it was the men or his mom or some other woman. ----- I almost forgot. One of the biggest psycho/physical things he suffered was a gagging/dry-heaving that would happen when he gets really nervous or emotionally upset, literally hanging over the toilet but nothing coming out. He says he's always had that "nervous stomach" since being a kid; that when the family would go anywhere, the understanding was they always had to "bring a brown bag for 'Johnnie.' " He says much of this comes from being the son of immigrant parents, growing up in NY, so he did not know how to speak English when it was time for first grade, and it was emotional torture not knowing the languge at school. He also said his parents were so "odd" (being immigrants) compared to the other (American) families, that he was embarrassed of them for that (shame/guilt). I read in one of the self-help books I was reading in the early 90's that stomach issues with kids is a direct result of the love/hate and subsequent guilt kids might be feeling regarding parents, and I think the book said this occurs mainly re: mothers. ----- This man was also made to take dancing lessons from the time he was like 3 years old (ballet, etc.) I used to wonder if some older stern female ballet teacher didn't get a hold of him as a kid and mess with him. Maybe I am just reading too much into it, but he's been teaching dancing for about 20 years, mostly 99% of the clients are the much older women, he having to kiss their butts all the time, and escorting them to dancing functions, etc. yet at the same time he says he HATES it.
I hope you are feeling better, Dakota, now that you shared your past with us. Sorry for rambling, as it is not my desire to detract from your story, but thought you might have some insight, since I (as a female abuse survivor) can't necessarily spot things which you (as a male abuse survivor) might see.
Also, I agree with someone who asked what you meant by "not being around much longer." Is that just a figure of speech in that "yeah, we're all going to go sooner or later"; or are you leaving the forum? or did you mean something like speeding up your exit in this life? I surely hope not, 'cuz I always like reading what you have to say, and was just getting to know you better. I hope by the time I post this reply, there will be another comment from you.
Again, BIG {{{{{HUGS}}}}} for a fellow abuse SURVIVOR and a fellow-former-Floridian!!! (who wised-up enough to move to the beautiful Northwest!)
GRITS
Again, I thank you all for your responses. I also apologize if I upset any by my first response. If only spell check worked good enough to find omitted words, LOL.
Jesika, I especially send my regrets to you if my story upset you. I in no way intended to minimize what you suffered or add to it. Abuse, either of a male or a female, is just dead wrong and society needs to wake up to that. They need to stop blaming the vicitms and realize that although the majority of victims are girls, boys suffer greatly too.
Grits, my fellow Floridian, your comments touched me. It indeed sounds like your boyfriend just might also be a Silent Ram too, but only he can say. Some men I have spoken too deny it vehemently, choosing instead to worship their Mothers. For me, I had to just stay away as far as possible from her. I can't hate her, but just couldn't be around her. If the cycle is to ever be broken, more need to come forward and society needs to realize that sexual abuse of all children is indeed a hidden epidemic. The downside is that it also usually intitiates a witch hunt.
Here are a couple links addressing male molestation. But, be forewarned, some of the stories are pretty upsetting.
http://www.jimhopper.com/male-ab/
http://www.nomsv.org/adult_survivors.htm
I also find it funny that you said you wised up enough to move to the Northwest as I also ended up living in the Northwest. Vancouver, Washington, across the river from Portland, Oregon.
As I said earlier, not to worry about me. I am a survivor and although my posting will diminish, I intend to be around for a very long time. As I once said, although life keeps knocking me down, I get right back up. I'd rather take it standing than laying down anyday.
Dakota:
Thank you, for finding the deep courage it took to put those thoughts and experiences into writing. The pain and anger of what happened is still seen in those words. But even through that you have found some way of making what happened to be turned into a triumph over it. By your post you are helping others come to terms to it. You made some very vaild and true points, in dispelling the myths of male abuse.
Men are told to hold it in, to cry is a sign of weakness, that they have to hide their feelings. That is a myth and highly untrue. Any person male or female who victimizes someone is lower than pond scum!!!!
Xandria
Hi Dakota and thanks for the reply. Glad to hear you're a "hard nut to crack" xFlorida Cracker, and will keep getting up no matter how many punches come your way in life. You are an inspiration for all of us in that. Thanks also for your thoughts on my friend. You described it perfectly when you said some "worship their mothers." That's exactly the word - Worship! -- Thanks, too, for making me aware of the phrase "Silent RAM." I don't know how I missed that all this time, but I never heard it before, and I really like it. We should have ordered some "Ram" stuffed lambs for the March, and I have this urge to go buy about a dozen of them, one for all my five brothers, one for my guy friend (an Aries Ram btw), and a few to spare...
I was reading one of the links you provided (thank you!) and saw this near the bottom of the first link http://www.jimhopper.com/male-ab/#last. Maybe some of our JW/xJW "Silent RAMS" may be interested in this as part of their healing journey. It is a request by that Mic Hunter who wrote the "Abused Boys" book:
Photos from Survivors Sought
Photos of male survivors of childhood or adult sexual abuse are being sought to be included in a poster which will be sold to help raise money for the 2003 international conference on male sexual victimization. We are seeking current photos of survivors and photos taken at the age when the abuse took place. We are interested in cultural, ethnic, and racial diversity. In addition we would like to include men in military uniform, clerical garb, judicial robes, sports equipment, medical clothing, or other dress that indicates that males who survive sexual abuse go on to have successful careers. We are also interested in including a man who is incarcerated. Photos will be returned if desired. Participants will be required to sign a release.
Those who are interested can contact Dr. Hunter at 357 East Kellogg Blvd., St. Paul, MN 55101, USA or [email protected]
There was another comment on that page which jumped out at me regarding our own JW "Silent Lambs" & cover-ups. It said:
Whether the child told anyone, and if so, the person's response. Doubting, ignoring, blaming and shaming responses can be extremely damaging - in some cases even more than the abuse itself.
What you wrote here...
For me, I had to just stay away as far as possible from her. I can't hate her, but just couldn't be around her.
...reminded me again of "The Boy Called 'IT.' " It was probably good that you "had it out" with your mother when you did and got away, standing up for yourself and even socking her a good one. "IT" was eventually taken out of the home when two teachers finally took notice of his scars and bruises, but he describes how he ached to be around his mother even years later, though hating her and himself at the same time. He would call her from the foster homes, but she would still treat him like crap on the phone, hang up on him, etc. It took him years to recover, and when he had to go back to his home town (I think he was in the military or something), he went to see her, hoping for something, acknowledgement, validation, an apology, something. She again treated him like crap and even slapped him in the face, IIRC. But this time he was able to stand up to her, and told her, "You no longer hold any power over me." (or words to that effect). I'll never forget that guy. It's unspeakable the things children endure and yet DO survive. He now counsels others with the same issues. You are so right. People need to come forward and those who do can make a powerful impression that is not easily forgotten. I still want to cry just remembering this man (on the Oprah show several times). Even though he and you have forgiven/accepted your mothers for what they are/were, it still makes my guts ache for the pain you guys have endured and somehow, miraculously, came out 'alive' on the other side. You have my deepest admiration and respect.
Many happy days ahead for you with your daughters and grandsons. I think that is a wise choice to unlock from this forum full-time. I know I spend too much time here, but for now I say it is okay. (I only started in May, so you're five months ahead of me!)
See you around once in awhile!
Grits
PS: Ooops! I meant YOU escaped Florida to the Northwest! (I read it on another thread of yours). As for me, I'm still melting here in the Florida humidity with my shades on!
Dear DR, I will never understand what you went through or any other survivour of abuse, I can only say my heart aches for the horrific pain that you have all suffered. I have been very lucky in life, I have always been protected and sheltered.
It wasn't until I was disfellowshiped and divorced and married a worldly man did I truly become aware of the terrible things that happens in this world. It was my husband who told me that young men were abused by their mothers in many parts of the world and now I see here today for myself several who have begun to tell their stories. Please to all of you brave rams let me tell you, you are brave courageous men. and you have my deepest respect and love. (((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))
Orangefatcat.
Horrible story. Thank you for having the courage to share with us.
(((((((((((((((DR))))))))))))))))))
