Thinking of Going Full Disclosure With Wife. Sorta
by freemindfade 69 Replies latest jw friends
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OneEyedJoe
Like the others have said - it's totally up to you where you go, but I'll offer you a data point:
I regret not coming clean to my wife much more early on after my discovery of TTATT. I think it's probably important to take a few days or maybe weeks to really let it sink in, but it seems I entirely lack the skillset required to wake someone up if their connection to the cult is social and emotional. I had been in because of all the "proof" (which towards the end I realized the only thing holding me in was that they got lucky with 1914) and the proof that it was a cult was plenty to do the trick for me. So because of my inability in that respect, the year I spent trying to plant seeds was entirely fruitless and only damaged our marriage. When I "came out" to her at the end, it didn't go any better than it would've from day 1, and in a lot of ways it went worse precisely because I'd waited so long. I think if I had been open from the beginning I could've made it a somewhat more collaborative process of discovering whether it's the truth and even if I hadn't won her over that way, I think our marriage would currently be in a somewhat better place. Furthermore, since that happened I haven't had to sit through a single meeting, which is definitely a nice payoff. It's amazing how much more like yourself you begin to feel after being away from the mental stress of sitting at cult meetings.
It sounds like you've already eased into it and your wife is learning to come to terms with it in her own way. Not sure what your relationship is like, but in my case my wife was holding a lot of fear and distress inside and the uncertainty about my fate was eating away at her. At least now that she knows I'm destined for death at armageddon she can try to deal with it instead of being in limbo. It's possible that your wife might be doing the same, and releasing her from that, while initially painful, would be a kindness if that's the case. Since there doesn't seem to be any great risk of your wife leaving you, making the first move and being open and honest may actually serve you well.
Again, all this is said without any warranty, and is coming from someone that probably handled everything with his wife about as poorly as possible, so do with it what you will. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do.
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freemindfade
Also for all who haven't read it, i highly recommend reading Daniel Genser's story.
This would be my approach, sort of a summary. Not overloaded with TTATT and spite against the org, just some facts, and very pragmatic delivery of "I am looking for the truth in the witnesses, its not there" (event hough I have been that way for some time.)
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DesirousOfChange
She looked at me like I was crazy and said "thats true
I think it is more often true for women than men, though still very infrequent. I don't think I've even known a guy to have regrets. Young couples that come forth and confess were all typically as the result of the guilt of the young woman. And of course, even years later JW youths that "toyed" with sex before marriage might still have tons of guilt.
Doc
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freemindfade
DOC I have never heard anyone outside of the org guilty for loosing their virginity. Perhaps they weren't crazy about who to, but there are a lot of people out there who don't attach sex with requiring marriage. But I digress my who point was how is that statement different than what trump said when they have provided no source for the statement? -
Xanthippe
Speaking from my own and my husband's experience, we took about two years from leaving to becoming atheists. I think it's a stretch for her to go from finding you think the organisation is false to hearing you are an atheist in a matter of minutes, in one conversation. If she thinks you are not happy with the org but are still searching and still believe in god that might be easier to cope with. -
OneEyedJoe
It seems to be a common flaw in JWs that they can't separate arguing against how a point is made and what point is made. I have the same problem when I question the use of misquotes and lies in their argument against evolution. Although I agree with evolution, that has no bearing on my problem with their use of deliberate deception to argue against it. When I've brought this up with my wife and father in law, they both automatically assume that I'm arguing for the fact of evolution. They just cant separate it in their minds - though to be fair once you weed out all the deceptive arguments against evolution, it does become the clear winner in the debate.
Because of that, pointing out the failed logic and deceptive statements from the WT puts you at an immediate disadvantage. I think the only topic I've discovered that I can attack this way is on their ban of higher education, since there's nothing morally wrong about going to college and no doctrine hangs on the ban. Everything else puts you on the side of immoral or godless people in their minds and immediately poisons anything you might say.
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OnTheWayOut
My JW spouse seems to entertain no thoughts that I may just "prove" it's the truth to myself and come back. I got there by some brutally honest talks with her. But I have not really directly said how I feel about science vs. God and how I have grown to realize that all the gods were created by men. Still, she must know by our conversations. I highly recommend that people gauge their own family situation and decide how honest, how quickly to reveal things, but to always work more toward mental and verbal freedom. -
Finkelstein
I think the best and most resourceful way of getting people aware of the inherent false apostasy of the Watchtower Corporation, is showing its false teachings and label it as cororrpt charlatanism.
If people are not that earnest to be honest, then thats their problem, they will have to deal with that on their own.
The best logical way is to use the bible itself and the words spoken by Jesus, in doing so you can confirm what it means to be a true Christian and what is a false teaching charlatan.
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tim3l0rd
With my wife, I know I can't attack the Bible directly. I think living in the South, being raised in the truth by uberdubs, and around non-JWs that hold a high regard for the Bible means that it is easier to point out how the WT bends the scriptures to support their doctrine. I haven't even started my fade (even though she knows I have doubts) because it would hinder my ability to study with her and her keep an open mind.
One thing I have noticed is how someone is more open to questioning their beliefs if they slow down their activity. Now I see why the WTBS pushes so hard for everyone to keep busy, to "stay in the center of JHs org", etc. I have seen how my wife went from expressing some of her own doubt back to complacent after spending extra time out in service. Even I (even though I'm fully awake) feel a sense of satisfaction if I go out in service. I think it comes from the years of being told that this is what we should do and spending time with the only "friends" I have.