Thinking of Going Full Disclosure With Wife. Sorta

by freemindfade 69 Replies latest jw friends

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  GrreatTeacher

  I'm sorry, JWdaughter, it's hard when your children suffer.

  And, fmf, you strike me as having a really level head. Take in all the advice you need, but, in the end, trust yourself. Don't allow yourself to be paralyzed by indecision.
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  freemindfade

  Agreed when you analyze you paralyze.
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  freemindfade

  JWDaughter, sounds very difficult for you. All struggle, the rich the poor, the religious and the godless. But as long as you still breathe and the sun still comes up everyday, there is opportunity to grow, learn, improve. And you mentioned religious neutrality, yes it is a beautiful thing. You know my knowledge of pagans from ancient history may be not complete and anecdotal, but one thing those guys and gals had was neutrality. You go to some other place, you worship their gods, and so forth, there was no one, jealous, "MY god". Now that is sort of broad and they had their own ignorances, but however you want to look at it the one jealous god has caused man more suffering than any other invention. I find your story very interesting, and if you like shoot me a PM. I am not against you, and their are a lot of people on hear i disagree with but still like even if they don't think so. disagreeing without god is not death worthy, not worth destroying your family, its just difference of opinion. So don't feel to bad to express yourself please.
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  JWdaughter

  I'm sorry. I got in pity party mode and it became about me. I just read about people who are about to give it all up for a principle and I just want to make sure they do a lot of counting of the costs and potential costs of such an action. For me, leaving the WT didn't destroy me-I was still young and life was ahead of me. But leaving it behind as an adult has a lot of repurcussions and I guess I just can't be in the rah rah corner for chucking it all up for freedom. If I didn't have kids, I don't know what I would have done. I have got about 3 relatives who still speak to me normally. The rest kind of are afraid to even talk to me in case they get shunned or gossiped about TOO. There is more than one kind of shunning folks and it aint just something JWs do!

  Just count your costs. And add some padding, cause it will cost a lot more than you anticipate.
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  Bonsai

  Two things I forgot to add about my experience with my wife and getting her out with me:

  She had already seen some injustices within the congregation and i think that when i told her my true feelings those experiences that she had, helped to open her eyes to what I was saying. The other thing that really really helped was moving away from the congregation where she had all kinds of sentimental attachments to. I started the fade in a new hall. In the new cong, she had no friendships and it was much easier for her to see the messed up side of the cong. Had we stayed in the original congregation, I think she would have resisted me much more firmly, also she would have been more prone to the love bombing of her mother congregation.
  

  I want to make it clear that when I told her that I was done,that she didnt have to leave with me. I said I'd support her if she wanted to continue. I even said I'd drop her off at the kingdomhall. Over and over I stressed that i loved her regardless of religion. Yet I made it clear that I was miserable and could no longer continue while holding on to my sanity.

  At first she braved through it and tried to go to the meetings, but the rumors and questions that she had to continually deal with really irritated her. She noticed that people started to look at her funny and act unnatural around her. All this commotion finally gave her the strength to be honest with herself and start examining her religion.

  To sum it up, timing is important, especially if something within the congregation is really bothering her.

  Moving to a neutral location really helps, too.

  Good luck FMF!

  Also, JWdaughter: We love having you here. Your contributions and feelings are valuable and add insight to this forum. If people have a problem that you are Muslim, they can go fly a kite! I, for one, am glad there are all kinds of people on this forum.
  
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  BU2B

  Flipper had some great advice as have many here. I wish I had good advice to add, but it really does have so many variables that will affect the way things will turn out. I have not been posting here as much but my situation persists. I have been improving myself, learning, getting in better shape at the gym, cutting back dramatically on alcohol, eating less etc.

  My wife has been getting on my case about not going in FS, not studying with my kids, and so on. My oldest girl is 5 so things are coming to a head. I have almost made full disclosure 2 or 3 times, but have always toned it down or relented at the last minute to keep the supposed peace, or because I couldnt handle the stress and open hostility I faced. However over the past year, my love for my wife has been mostly squelched. We dont have much in common, have the cult in the middle, and I see her deep down as an enemy trying to indoctrinate my kids gullible minds with harmful trash. I resent that I cannot stop it, and she resents that she feels like she is bringing them up in the "truth" by herself.

  Every meeting I am faced with a delimma of either dont go and be stressed because she is stressed and pissy, or go and be miserable the rest of the day. While I am there I feel my chest get heavier the whole time. It used to be that when the meeting was over, I soon felt better but now it lingers. I know I am not the person I could be due to this influence. Most of the stress comes from seeing my daughter being taught lies, and my not knowing how to combat this when it comes to the "black and white" "good or evil" mind of a young child.

  Before you spill all the beans, know that you are in for a rough ride. If you dont spill the beans, you are in for a rough ride anyways inside your heart and mind suffering silently inside. This situation sucks, but hey! At least we arent awakened Muslims with familes that would honor kill us!
  
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  BU2B

  
  

  I am an athiest leaning agnostic, but I think this scripture is appropiate.
  

  English Standard Version
  Put no trust in a neighbor; have no confidence in a friend; guard the doors of your mouth from her who lies in your arms;- Micah 7:5
  
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  FayeDunaway

  Jwdaughter I'm really sorry you felt that way here and hope I didn't contribute to that too much. generally when we speak of Muslims here we are speaking of extreme Muslims and dont mean most Muslims that are moderate or even liberal. i definitely feel it too, my own brand of Christianity is quite liberal, we even allow same sex marriages within our church. But here people often say 'Christian' and mean born again extremist judgmental types, not considering the very large variety.

  bu2b, my heart is completely aching for you. I know what you mean about the anxiety about your kids being indoctrinated. You feel stuck, in a miserable place. I wish there was something I could say.
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  disposable hero of hypocrisy

  My tuppence worth...

  Full disclosure happened a few months ago for me. She's known I've had doubts for the last year and that I've been discussing them with some elders and had no satisfying answers.

  For me, even though I'd been told not to talk to my own wife about my issues (!) I couldn't cope with the dishonesty of it all, the hiding of my inner thoughts, and just figured she deserved to know the truth about how I felt.

  I told her I didn't believe a weird of it anymore, there's no way we were god's one true organisation, but that I was keenly aware of the devastating effect my leaving would have on our lives, family and social etc... So I said I was willing to put up a pretense for her sake and just do the bare minimum.

  I really do love her, and my hope is that her curiosity will kick in at some point and she'll ask some questions about why I don't believe. I won't press the issues, she's got to want to research it for herself, but I'll be ready for any questions when they come.

  If after all that she decided to carry on being a witness, that's her choice, but I can't see me doing it forever.

  Anyway, I've toiled with this 'full disclosure' question for years, I've got to say it feels great to be utterly out in the open about it . no more making excuses for myself about missing ministry or meetings, she knows exactly how I feel and will be expecting a lack of enthusiasm for all things spiritual.

  And hopefully she'll see I'm being more than reasonable in the process.

  Full disclosure ftw!
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  JWdaughter

  Faye and others. I am like most Muslims I know-we just want to worship one god. We can call the crap on both sides-extremists and haters . Unfortunately (for me), most Muslims are more in danger from Islamist extremists than anyone. I have family that has been directly affected. I also have family that has had exactly the same family honor issues my birth family did. Molested child and the perp mysteriously disappeared (old days when going to the police was NOT done for that in any culture) Dead adulterers where the widow was excused as it was a crime of passion because it ws a spouse.

  Sometimes I think our culture think we are centuries ahead of the rest of the world and socially, we are maybe 15 years ahead in most ways:)

  I don't care what brand of christian anyone claims to be. We know who loves God by the way they treat others. Whatever religion one is. Its personal. If I knew then what I know now, I would have left religion off my plate and kept my faith in God to myself. It doesn't fit in any box I've ever found so well as Islam. But that is not the scholarly version just the simple one. Scholars make me itch-bible, Hadith, physics. . .