Thinking of Going Full Disclosure With Wife. Sorta
by freemindfade 69 Replies latest jw friends
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exwhyzee
But coming clean and telling her essentially know this is not gods chosen organization, I know the bible is not gods word, and I know there is no yhwh, would be very final for her.
I heard a Circuit Overseer say one time " Some new ones, when they first learn "the truth", need to be locked in a closet for a while because they want to tell their family members what they've discovered, all at once and they end up driving them away".
I think a very similar thing happens when a JW learns the truth about "The Truth". They feel an urgency to tell everyone what they've discovered and basically save them from themselves. They also want to be vindicated for all the wrongs they may have suffered over the years and for having been duped for so long.
You've seen what has happened so far since you spoke your mind to your family. Are you willing to let the Watchtower take yet another piece of your life away just because you need to be right or are too impatient to wait for your wife to come around on her own?
Be the best husband and father you can be. Let her bring the topic of religion up and when she does bring it up, say as little as possible. Don't draw any lines in the sand, don't burn any bridges. You don't need to explain or defend yourself. You only need to understand what her concern for you is at that very moment and address that concern only, nothing else.
For instance if she chastises you for not going to the meetings and says:
"You need to become regular again at the meetings...the Bible commands us not to forsake the gathering of yourselves together"
Instead of saying : "I can't stand going there anymore. The doctrines they teach from the platform aren't in accordance with the Bible and they keep changing them once time has proven them to have been wrong all along just as I always suspected....for instance what about 1914 etc..."
You could say instead : " I know you are truly concerned for me. I've been attending those very same meetings, since I was a child and I understand how much emphasis is put upon them. You have to trust me when I say that for now, I need to step away from the meetings and find out what it is I truly believe. I know you believe that Jehovah reads our hearts. If that is so, then he knows that the one thing that I do not need to re-evaluate is how I feel about you and the kids and the rest of my family. There are about 168 hours in a week. All we are talking about here is not attending a couple of 2 hour meetings. That leaves us 164 hours when I'm the same guy I always was. Try not to put too much significance on this relatively small slice of time I need."
Anyway, as I said, let her (and other family members) bring up the topic of religion and only address the concern that is motivating them at that moment rather than the whole religion. If discussions about doctrinal issues cannot be avoided, ask them to review with you what their belief or understanding is on the subject. Then ask them lite questions about it...don't make statements....only ask questions that lead them in a direction where they see the flaws on their own.
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freemindfade
I've managed to mostly bottle going off. Except I slipped with the family and blew it in a heated exchange.
With her this us years now, at first when we'd study and I was like the bible seems unbelievable she panicked, called in the elder and Co. That's was already years ago. So partly why I feel inclined now is I still want to make personal progress.
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freemindfade
Sail away. Thank you for your heart felt post. Sorry I didn't get a chance to respond sooner. You did point out something that I am beginning to feel is important. And that is not lying to miss fmf. I tend to be a very protective person of my friends and family my workmates even many witness friends. I'm the first who would stand up to protect my people from harm. That sort of backfires a bit here because I feel not being 100% truthful protects her (me too but more her). And you said how you felt a little deprived of his honesty without telling you sooner. So I needed to hear that from that perspective. Thank you for your support. You and everyone. Means a lot just knowing you are all there to listen and relate. -
JWdaughter
Just be aware of all of the consequences to both you and her-and evaluate if they are something you can live with. If you have kids, go to the worst case scenario there-can you live with that? Divorce is one thing-losing birth family and every friend since infancy might be harder. Jobs, whatever else will be affected
If being true to yourself is the most important and critical thing, you REALLY need to ask yourself why and how that has practical value to you emotionally and in practical terms. What will you do with your freedom that will truly change your life? Cause you are going to live with it. There is no easy or perfect answer. Every solution has its own challenges and heartaches. You have to think for yourself about what will hurt you more.
I wish you well. I left the WT and later Christianity. I honestly lost a lot more when I left Christianity. Family, society, work-our country is NOT tolerant to folks rejecting (in their view) Jesus. You are basically doing both at once, so double whammy for you, I think. Be careful. Everything in your heart doesn't need to leave your mouth. I am speaking from my own hurt and my own regrets, but I hope that they give you a little extra discenment and more to think about, friend.
Maybe I think being true to yourself is a little overrated sometimes. My American heart and soul rejects this heartily, but my reality is that my kids rejected me. My ex has tried to make me an unindicted co-conspirator and accused me of unspeakable things in court filings then just leaves me hanging without being able to answer because of his delays. My teenage child in the meantime has been told that I am out to harm him, his dad and America.
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freemindfade
Jw daughter what country?
And I have no kids so there is that.
If I get a divorce maybe someone here will marry me
Faye? Maybe jw daughter? Viviane has already turned down my marriage proposals. Lol.
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flipper
FREEMINDFADE- Hey my friend, sorry you're having to deal with this. It's the shits for sure. I want you to know that I'm always here for you if you want to talk. I mean that sincerely, not just an off handed remark. Been there, done that with a fanatic JW ex-wife I had for 19 years. And as you know there are lots of good folks on the board here who are dealing with the same situation you are - Kairos & On The Way Out - are a couple of my good buddy's who have still in JW wives. I suggest PMing some of these guys and getting their feedback and advice to see how they have been able to hold it together with their spouses up to this point.
That being said on the other side of the coin my friend it comes down to you internally. What are YOU able to deal with in a personal way looking at the possible long term solutions ? You have to be honest with yourself first - before you can be honest with your wife. How deeply are you two connected ? Is it ONLY the JW cult that keeps you together ? Or are there other interests and values in life that the two of you share in common outside the mindset of JW land ? That may determine to some extent how long your relationship will last with your wife. You know- there are no guarantees in this life - except death and taxes. The only thing we can do is put together all the information we have at our access and make intelligent, informed decisions that will do the greatest good for your life and her life. Are you and your wife in love enough to be able to OVERCOME the JW and WT intrusion into your free will and free thinking mind ? And the other variable is this : will your wife chill to some extent and ALLOW you to co-exist with her while still maintaining your free will ? Only YOU know the answers to some of these questions and only you can make that decision. Things may work well with your wife- it may not. As you stated you are prepared for the worst and I agree it's good to be ready just in case that happens.
Someone mentioned earlier having a social safety net to fall into if things turn south and go badly. I feel having good friends as a safety net is HUGE. You and I know some similar people who are close to us so avail yourself of those friendships. The ones who will give you UNCONDITIONAL support are the ones who are truly your friends. If things turn badly- don't be surprised if some of those " still in " JW friends turn their backs on you. Myself and others here have experienced that big time. But you have a lot of support here as well. Please avail yourself of that- people who care and who have been through the mill themselves.
Since you are an outgoing person my suggestion also is to try contacting ex-JW's in your area that you might befriend or get to know. Or even try getting a mini- apostafest going in your area to meet people who may support you. I wish you were out here at South Lake Tahoe to meet our 48 who had a kick ass time at Tahoe this weekend. It would have really been a big help to you and support. But hang in there kiddo, you have our love and understanding , any time you want to call me, please do, Peace out, your friend Flipper.
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JWdaughter
I'm in the US and I am married. I have 3 kids and I am a very unpopular person-on this board and IRL (see post above). I sometimes wish I could go in a witness protection program and I am not referring to the JWs. -
freemindfade
JWdaughter, why unpopular?
And thanks Uncle Flip for the words, and support. I greatly appreciate your experience and perspective always! One of these days I'll have to make the trip to tahoe and check out this kick ass time
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JWdaughter
Muslim in America. It's a crime! Either I believe in God-which certain folks attack me about the principle of the thing. Or I am not a Christian-therefore in other's minds means I reject Jesus and all that is good. I am a white woman which also makes certain factions incensed because I am a weak woman who became Muslim because I am too ______(ugly, stupid, ignorant, mean-fill in the blank) to get along in America without hooking up with damn foreigners. OH, and I married an immigrant (40 years and a successful professional, but apparently, he is liable to take his social security income and run off to Libya and fight with the Daesh or something, any day now). I divorced a Catholic-the one who has tried to get me in trouble with the govt(local and federal) so you can see what a prize he was.
Sometimes I am really tired of being me. I love my husband and he is a truly good man and deserves the best wife. But if I could do it all again, I would never have divorced the jerk ex. I could effect positive change from within and my son would not have been harmed and twisted by his dad, my reputation would not have been destroyed (I can't get a job).
I'm just done with this. Really,, really. I am one of the few here that has not had my life destroyed by my association with JWs. In fact as annoying as some are, they are just the least of my personal issues. Helps that I left them when I was a teenager. I am a good example of measuring what you can afford to lose before you step out. My faith and my belief is between me and my God. I wish I could wipe out my entire public existance spiritually and approach the world from a religously neutral viewpoint.