Dearest Joelbear... may you have peace...
I am addressing you on this subject quite... ummm... warily. I had to think HARD... and even say a little prayer... before doing so, but if it will help you, then how can I not? Joel... I truly believe that at some time or another, everyone... EVERYONE... contemplates ending it all. Just letting go and stopping altogether. Everyone. Why? Because whatever PAIN they are undergoing, for whatever reason... and there are MANY... seems just too much to bear.
For many, they simply cannot see an end to the pain. Please note that I am not speaking of physical pain, now, for I had a mother who succumbed to pancreatic cancer, and truly there was no end to her pain, so that when she went, I was relieved... my family was relieved... because we couldn't bear it for her... and felt SO helpless to alleviate it. Only morphine helped some, and toward the end, even that did nothing. But my mother fought for life all the way up until the last minute. Why? My brother, sister and I. She "didn't know what would happen" to us once she was gone.
Now, with regard to emotional pain, however, I want to tell you that I've had my share: losing my mom, losing my dad, "bad" marriage, being expelled from the "synagogue" as a hated apostate, and sometimes just life in general... yada, yada, yada. There were times when I thought, "Truly, what's the point?" But dear Joel, I have a point... and we all do: someone besides ourselves. For me, it is my children. True, they are grown (20 and 25), but knowing what my death would do to them... weighs heavier on me by FAR, than any perceived "relieve" that death at this time could bring me.
By reading various threads here, I think I know that you lost a dear loved one not too long ago. And I understand your pain and grief, as do many others here. Many of us have lost a loved one... perhaps not a companion... but a parent, child, sibling... and let me tell you, the pain is no less. Loss... is loss, dear one. The difference is that although you cannot replace your loved one... you can replace a companion. You can love a companion again... if you will allow yourself. And it is much easier than replacing a parent or child.
If you are thinking of ending your pain, Joelbear, I would ask you to consider what these people here are telling you: true, your pain is great, but the pain you would be putting on others... who love you dearly... would be very great... and quite unfair. And TRUE love... would not do such a thing, for love... "does not look out for its OWN interests"... but "BEARS all things, BELIEVES all things, HOPES all things... ENDURES all things."
Now, perhaps you have lost your will to live... if that is what this is about... but have you also lost your will to love? I cannot believe that. True, we haven't had much interchange, you and I... but I "see" you, Joel... as do many here... and I believe they "see" what I see: a very loving man who's in a lot of pain... and is ready to give up hope. But it doesn't have to be that way, Joel, truly. The love in YOU... can "believe" that this, too, "will pass". It can "bear" the current pain, for the sake of those who love you. It can "hope" that the love you lost will be replaced, and soon, not diminishing what you had, but allowing you to appreciate it once again, while loving... once again. And it, the love in YOU... CAN endure. Why? So that at some point, you will be able to help another who is experiencing that same pain... regain his/her will to live.
You may think that none of this is your responsibility, that living just so others do not realize pain, is not your job. But isn't that what love is truly all about, Joel? Alleviating other's pain, by bearing it FOR them, if we can? My Lord is willing to bear yours, dear one. All you need do is throw this "burden" on HIM. He will take it, I assure you. Take his "yoke"... and he will bear your end.
That's all I have to say. I hope that it will account for something with you. If not, please know that whatever you finally decide to do is up to you, but you are loved... and will be still. For again, all of us understand pain... and the "desire" to alleviate it.
May the undeserved kindness of my Father, the Holy One of Israel, whose name is JAH of Armies... and the peace of His Son and Christ, my Lord, JAHESHUA MISCHAJAH... be upon you... if you so wish it.
Your servant and a slave of Christ,
SJ