Suicide ends pain for many (page 8)

MrMoe

Anton -- thank you for sharing that beautiful post. *hugs*

MrMoe

Lyin - not sure what to say... other than if I was there I would give you the biggest hug.

Prisca

Joel - just wanted you to know that I care about you, and I hope that you find a way other than suicide to deal with your pain.

Thinking of you.

I scared Mitch to death. If I had been alone I am not sure what would have happened yesterday. At points during the day I was determined to hurt myself. I have some bumps, scratches and scrapes, but nothing permanent.

My doctor was on the phone with Mitch most of the day and the day ended with me having a brief conversation with my doctor and promising to see him within a week. They plan to go up on up one of my medications that seems to be helping keep off the depression.

Mitch sobbed for a couple of hours yesterday afternoon when the tension got to just be to much for him.

I got many private messages from people here on the board. I shouldn't be surprised but it still amazes me how much people are willing to offer someone that haven't even met.

Its hard for me to point to one reason why yesterday happened. I had a bad fight with one of my best friends about 2 weeks ago. I got an email from a neighbor who I have had an ongoing dispute with for over a year. I had been feeling isolated and depressed for the past several days.

Sometimes it is simply the longing for friends and family who I am cut off from that just builds up to a point where I cannot deal with it anymore.

Sometimes it is the feeling of having been bullied my whole life and not feeling like I have the strength to fight anymore.

Last night I got emails from exJWs and bear friends all over the country offering voice, strength and hugs.

I hope I can keep this from happening again. It takes me by surprise. Yesterday within 15 minutes I had gone from feeling pretty good to fetus position screaming in my basement.

I love you guys. I appreciate you guys. I hope someday to finally be rid of the real demons that stalk my spirit.

Peace

Joel

MrMoe

Joel - Guilt rears it's head in many ugly forms, and is triggered by many things. When guilt for our actions has been ingrained in us, sometimes it is near impossible to deprogram ourselves. You have nothing to be guilty for, you know that, we all do.

Life is tough somtimes, no doubt about it. But in the end, you have many folks who care about you, and most of all, you have Mitch, and it appears to me he would do anything for you.

There isn't a whole lot I can say to help you, heal you, or rid your personal demons. That sweetie is up to you. What I can do is express that I care, just as we all do.

Warmest Hugs,

Amanda

Tinkerbell4125

I hope you have better days ahead too!

I've been thinking about you!!! I was awfully quiet last night, to the point where CC ask me if something was wrong. You've really been on my mind.

Is Mitch your husband? Did you get to make the appointment with the doctor? How are you doing today?

I can't get you off my mind. Tink

imanaliento

hi again joelbear, hope your having an ok day

I want to address something to GUMBY That is there are special lights to help people who are depressed in the winter, off hand i'm not sure where to look for them, maybe someone else knows?

Ima

joelbear

I talked to my doctor yesterday.

Mitch is my life partner. Same sex relationships simply don't break down into husband or wife roles at least none that I know of.

I am still doing okay today.

I have a lot to work out though.

hugs

Joel

Solace

Joel,

I wont tell you I totally understand because Im not you. I dont know exactly what you are feeling right now.

I can tell you that I once wanted to end it all, stop the pain. At that point, I felt I had no control over my life. I have no idea why my attempt didnt succeed, probably because I was young and didnt know what the hell I was doing.

All I can say now is that if I would have been successful, I wouldnt be here right now. I am not in the same place I was during that time. I know more. Im less confused. I feel less guilty. I have two beautiful children, a new family, friends who I care about and piece of mind.

Im not sure if you understand but I guess what Im trying to say is, I found out that "right now" is not "all" there is. There can be more but how will we find out if we just quit, ya know?

Edited by - heaven on 20 November 2002 17:56:7

Billygoat

Joel, please check your email.

Yes, it's your life...but just remember your life makes ripples in ours. Many here would be devastated if you decided to leave this world. That's not meant as a guilt trip either...just want you to know. I pray and hope that you are better. I've had moments like yours and they're scary as hell. Lonely too. I thank God that Mitch is there for you. I really do.

Lots of hugs and kisses,

Andi

Suicide ends pain for many

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