Suicide ends pain for many (page 9)

joelbear

Unfortunately I had another very bad panic attack yesterday. Thats 3 days in a row and I am pretty much exhausted. Went to the doctor yesterday and set some good new goals for myself.

Mitch went with me and listened in on part of the session.

My family simply doesn't know how much I miss them. I cry at some point every day that they are no longer part of my life.

Some days it just hurts, some days it is unbearable.

Alas, all one can do is go on and try to find things that makes one happy.

hugs

Joel

Please excuse me for confusing your pain with that of someone else. I remember reading someone having lost a dear one, a "life partner"... and I made that connection with you. Erroneously, apparently (which is why I most probably should have kept my mouth shut to begin with, but under the circumstances of the pain I thought you were feeling, regardless of its origin, I felt I could not. A cry for help is a cry for help.)

Anyway, I hope you won't hold it against me, but know that while my assumption was erroneous... my motive and intent was not.

Again, peace to you.

A slave of Christ,

SJ

Billygoat

(((((((((((Joelbear))))))))))) Panic attacks suck!!! I've had more than my share and thank goodness, most of them with safe outcomes. Get some rest dear...mental, emotional and physical. Let Mitch take care of you for a few days while you catch up on it. He loves you unconditionally and like us, wants you to be happy. I know it's easier said than done, but just don't think of your blood family right now. Just don't allow their faces, words, or actions enter into your mind. Make the choice to divorce those thoughts...you are in control of them. It doesn't feel like that, but you have a choice to be in control...just take it. Mitch, us, and the other bears around the world are your family. Blood is not thicker than water...love is. One neat aspect of us DFed/DAed people is that we can now make our family. Not too many people have that opportunity.

Love,

Andi

SPAZnik

Joelbear,

You are likeable without your mask. I'm glad you reached out and that you keep on keepin' on.

SPAZ

Edited by - SPAZnik on 21 November 2002 12:55:22

LyinEyes

Joel, the more I get to know about you and your story of how your family is doing you , the more I just feel sick at heart.

I know for a fact that many, of us here share this common bond , of being thrown away by our own flesh and blood family, our parents at that.

My dad , has for 18 yrs tried to act like I didnt exsit, after my mom died, he wanted my sister and me to disappear too. It was easy for him to ignore my little sister, she was off doing the prodical daughter thing and into all kinds of trouble.

I was always the "good" one, never missed the spiritual food at all the assemblies, meetings, did the field service, and was married to an elder. But being my being the "good" one, as he called me, didnt make him love me like he should have. I can count on my two hands the times in those 18 yrs we spent together , not including funerals for kin. I have 3 children and he doesnt know a damn thing about them, not their ages, not their b/d's not their favorite food.

I swear , I tried to call him, go to his house, sit with him at assemlbies , I made all the moves to be part of his life, which wasnt easy with his wife( the one he cheated on my mom with) and now he had another daughter who is only 2 yrs older than my little girl. I know it sounds childish, but looking at his so called "perfect" life and family now,,,,,, I felt that my mom, had been done away with in his eyes,,, and my sister and I were replaced by a better daughter, he had her baptized at age 9 and pioneering. All he could do was put his energies into her and the wife.

I got tired of it when I learned that JW was a lie. I just quit trying, and let him go. He had pulled so much over the last 18 yrs and I was tired of playing tug of war with him. I let him have what he so despertly wanted his disattatchment from me. It was so plain to see, but I was blind and thought he loved me somewhere in his dark heart, but there can't be any love there. It has been over a year since I have seen him or talked to him. He lives 40 miles away. He has all my numbers and knows where I live. But since I choose to leave Jehovah , as he says,,,,,,, I made that choice.

That really pisses me off, because he made that choice years ago, and just barely gave me the time of day , because he had to save face. He had to see me at conventions and the c.o. always wondered about how we got along.. so he played it off like we were a happy family.

Now he has a good excuse to ignore me......... I am the other prodical daugher who d/a herself. And I will die in Armeggedon according to him,,,,,,,,, but does he care? He has not once called and asked to speak to my oldes son , Jake,,,,,,, who is over 15 , he never cared for my children.

For that it made it easy to say goodbye in my emotional attachment to my dad,,,, if you can't love your own grandkids, and think of how precious they are,,,,,,,,,,, well, just kiss off Dad.

It has been a hard year , Joel. I have cried buckets of tears, had many panic attacks, nightmares, broken hearted days, over my dad...... but I feel better and at peace with my new life.

Billygoat, knows what she is saying here,,,,,,,, we are like family here. Her parents didnt go to her wedding, and she too knows the hurt. But what can you do? You have to move on and let them free. When you do, YOU become free. You never stop loving them, or missing them,,,,but you realize it is not your choice , it was theirs and you hope one day maybe they will see the light. But life is too short to beg for love. I did it for 18 yrs with my dad, after mama died, I wasted too much time on him, time that could have went to strangers who would show more love than that man ever did.

Joel,,,,,,, glad you are making progress,,,,,,,,, many hugs sent your way, from a cyber sister, Dede

Suicide ends pain for many

breeze

joelbear

AGuest

Billygoat

SPAZnik

LyinEyes

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