DEVASTED by Wife Leaving...

confuzcious

Thanks for the advice guys...

Edited by - CONFUZCIOUS on 31 January 2003 11:51:20

Introspection

It's too bad that a lot of people just can't see when someone is being genuine but rather judges by the outer appearance.

Brummie

Sorry to hear about your situation Confuz, hope you will find a lot of support here.

Your wife sounds like a very reasonable woman, knowing how a JW thinks, maybe your turning away from the religion was the last straw for her. Perhaps if you hadnt of committed adultry against her twice already then leaving the religion would have been a storm she could have weathered, however sounds to me like it was the straw that broke the camels back. I can see why you are devastated by loosing someone who seems so reasonable.

Its unfortunate the elders stick their nose in anyones business, there is always a crooked outcome when they jump into the equasion.

I dont know the whole situation but hopefully somewhere along the line there will be the chance of a reunion for you both. She does have scriptual reason for divorce though, she did the first time you cheated on her.

All the best

Brummie

Satanus

My condolences. When you were a bastard, but loyal to the wt, she accepted you. When you give real spontaneous love, she ditches you. Most worldly people wouldn't understand, except for those who know about 'codependence'.

In your case, as in many wt marriages, one of the three fold cords is not jehovah, not god, but the wt corporation, as represented by your local elders. It's just a damn printing company that's messing peoples' lives. Why not make full notes, times dates, names, in case of future actions or discussions as to who said/did what.

Codependence is a curable emotional disease where a person bases his/her life on the approval of others. They never really accept their 'own councel', so to speak. They have killed their own internal voice, at the persuasion of others. I encourage you to take a look at it on the net. It will help you to understand your wife's actions. Good luck, and hang in there.

SS

Perry

confuzcious,

That's terrible. Therapists know that adultery is not about sex. Sex is the symptom. It sounds like you started to seriously tackle the real problem but by doing that you changed the naure of an unhealthy family system. When those dysfunctional systems start to change, things always get worse before they get better.

What makes this so unbearable to hear is the almost parental-like responsibility that the WT places upon couples to split when one starts to question their reasonableness.

I do hope you don't try to deal with all this on your own and have some professional guideance rooting for YOU in your corner.

Perry

confuzcious

thanks for the comments so far...

One of the thing that really gets me is that I sat down with my wife several times to tell her about the things I was learning.

One thing that JW has taught me is how to build an almost unasailable line of reasoning. I Pioneered for 10 years and I was effective.

It's just that I started to question things that "we claimed" was scriptural - but really had no basis.

And how if they say something like - No Boxing or No Rap music, we know very well - that these are more than just suggestions. Skirt length - Beards - Goat Tees - Lets not kid ourselves. These are not mere suggestions. We live by them or get "marked" as disobedient.

But my wife sat and listened to all of it and I'm POSITIVE could not say one thing in defense.

Her tirade against me when she left was that I WOULD NEVER convince her that this is not the truth.

In reality, I never stopped her from going to the meetings, whatever.

greven

What I am UPSET with is NO ONE in the Cong. (I am not DF or DA, just not going to meetings) would lift a finger to help me.

shows how true they are when claiming that Jesus's people would be recognized by the LOVE they showed. All they gave you was the big finger. SHEESH

Greven.

wheelwithinwheel

Sounds like you're in a tough situation Confuz. Does your wife want to leave the JWs? Doesn't sound like it. Do you want to remain a JW? Doesn't look like it. Sometimes you have to close a chapter of your life and move on. Only you can decide, but i s this one of those times? If you decide it's time to get on with your life t he decision will be difficult, but once made, things usually get better.

A dear friend of mine was in a conflict situation with a woman he loved. He was miserable for a long time. Things just wouldn't get better. Finally he decided he had to chalk it up to experience and get on with his life. In his case, he now says he should have done it sooner.

StinkyPantz

Maybe her leaving is for the better. She has probably never trusted you after cheating so many times before. Now she feels that she has no connection with you and you'll find a "worldly" woman to cheat with. You said:

My wife has rebeled against me, left me unscripturally and is at fault.

Umm, wrong! You did that when you cheated, she's not in the least bit at fault (unless you're using JWspeak).

I mean it's like my wife had a CHEERLEADING TEAM behind her - like her leaving me is like God's Will or something.

Honestly, why wouldn't they support her? You cheated and now you are basically an apostate. It adds up to me.

I'm sorry about your situation. It must be incredibly painful to learn the real truth about your religion AND have your wife leave you. Maybe it's only temporary. If she forgave infidelity, maybe she'll forgive this.

Sentinel

(((((((Dear Friend)))))))

My heart goes out to you. Bottom line is people change. They change individually, and those changes affect those closest to them, usually the wife or husband. When changes come and people find that they no longer can relate to the other individual, because that individual cannot relate back with them, how can the marriage survive?

Of course, I'm just viewing this from the outside, but I am tending to think that your wife "had an opportunity" to get a (JW acceptable) divorce from you several times, but she didn't. When you "confessed" and toe'd the mark, she accepted you back with open arms. And, you had been so humiliated and chastised, that you came back, with your "tail between your legs". She had you right where she wanted you.

But, then, you really wanted to be the good husband and you tried really hard, and came to love her once again. It seems as soon as she "knew" that, she was finding a way (acceptable as a JW) to go for the divorce. This would be a way in which she could hurt you.....like you hurt her. Seems like she is trying to "get even".

I believe there is too much pain in your marriage for it to survive. And, now with learning to think for yourself, and seek "outside" help and advice, you are labeled. She see's an opening for the door, and she is taking it. I really know through experience where you are at right now, but I think you should let her go. You might consider consulting an attorney at this point, to protect your rights. Remember, she has openly forgiven you for all things, so she cannot legally bring a divorce action against you for adultery or whatever at this point. Once a discretion has been forgiven, and the couple have gone back to cohabiting, the law looks at the situation in a different light. The wife cannot hold that over her mates head, because she has exercized forgiveness.

Do not be overly harsh on yourself. There is no need for self punnishment. The concepts of the JW's are twisted and unrealistic. Build on the foundation you have already been working at, and begin thinking about yourself. This is not selfish. This is survival.

And, if you find that you are having strong feelings of inability to cope, or bouts with severe depression, you need to seek some professional help. When seeking help, please request someone who knows about Jehovah's Witnesses in depth. I really don't think that you will find the help you desire among the congregation. They've made their choice, and they've chosen your wife. Continue building on new friendships. And, please, don't jump right into the sack with someone else for "comfort". That can just complicate things, and give your wife "new" reason to establish her legal complaint against you.

I will be thinking about you, so please keep in touch. Like I said, I am speaking from personal experience, and I've lived nearly 56 years, so I'd hope to have some good wisdom to pass along. I know, when depression strikes me, I tend to just go in the corner of life and remove myself from those who could help me the most. I have had to learn to fight those tendencies.

Remember, you cannot control what your wife does. There are things we can change, and things we cannot change. Learning to recognize what those things are will help you to forge ahead. My best wishes to you. You are a valuable person. Your father/mother creators of the universe care about you and love you. Your soul is aching to connect with you and show you the way to true spirituallity.

DEVASTED by Wife Leaving...

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