Well said LB...... I was beginning to think it was just me..... I mean, this bloke cheats on his wife twice, admits to being a bad husband to her generally, suddenly "finds Jesus" and then blames her and the WT beacause she leaves him. Poor woman....hope she finds a better life, and a better husband. Its laughable that some here as so blinded by their hatred of the WT that they can't see the bottom line......Sheesh!
DEVASTED by Wife Leaving...
by confuzcious 84 Replies latest jw friends
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confuzcious
Guys, first of all, I'm amazed at the response from the thread I started.
First of all, thank you LISA (LDH) and some of the others that had kind words.
I was perfectly candid when I told about my two affairs. That's how you guys know that I'm not painting a one sided story.
I'll just be as candid on my wife's side.
My wife is currently under Judicial Investigation (congregation) for an adultery that happened 3 months ago. (I say potential adultery because there was no sex, but you know how even rubbing up is considered adultery in some cases in JW theology).
I forgave her for that, but I didn't make it a congregational issue since I wasn't even going to meetings.
To me, I HAD THAT COMING and I forgave her for it, even though through talk, that issue has come up again.
But for all those who came down hard on me. Here's the deal and it's the deal whether it's in Jehovah's Org or the World courts.
WHEN YOU COMMIT ADULTERY AND YOUR WIFE TAKES YOU BACK, IT IS DONE. It is done in the eyes of the worldy courts and it is done in God's eyes. You are forgiven and you start from scratch.
I contacted my lawyer to day and the facts are my wife has ABANDONED ME. She has abandoned me, the home and the business.
My friend, who's sister in law did the same thing, actually has to pay the HUSBAND support because she abandoned the kids and her home.
So before you guys get up on your high horse, YES, I committed sins, but when a wife TAKES YOU BACK - even SEVEN TIMES, then the matter is over. IT DOES NOT REMAIN a "Get Out of Jail" card forever where you can go back any time you like to get out of a marriage.
I have been extemely loving and caring for my wife since then and she still cheated on me, I forgave, but she abandoned me later.
THANKS LDH (lisa) for the kind (((((Hug)))))). It's what I needed at the time.
Am I paying the price, ABSOLUTELY, but that doesn't absolve the other party or others involved with any wrongdoing.
CONFUZCIOUS
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Introspection
You guys know what's funny is Confuzcious only posted one message, and here how many messages and how much time have all these people spent on this thread? I'm not saying that's a good or bad thing, but it is all based on this one message. Yes some of it is very telling, but although we may gladly spend the time and point out different things I just have some serious doubts about how much you can help a person when there is such limited communication. This has happend before, pretty soon the posters who have responded start talking to each other, whereas it's all about this guy who started the thread, it's his business. Anyways, I'd be interested to see if we hear from the man or if we'll just keep talking to each other about it. Nothing wrong with that, but it's just kind of funny how we get caught up in all of it.
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Introspection
Some timing, ok glad you're with us here guy. I'll just briefly reiterate the one thing I have to add to this, which is just don't get too caught up in wrongdoing, who and what and all that. If you really agree with what the bible says about love, then you know that's bigger than anything that might happen. Hanging on to something like that will only cause you suffering, that's the way it works - for the person who was wronged, they do themselves a favor if they let it go, and the person who committed the wrong can only do whatever he can to make amends, each person has to take care of their own mind and hearts.
But my whole point is don't get caught up in the behavior, which is definitely not to say you ignore it and don't see it for what it is. All I can say is you actually have a great opportunity to open to real love here, I don't know how exactly you're feeling but a broken heart is actually a grace in that way, all I'm asking is take a look and see for yourself. Most people will reinforce their ego and continue in their separate existences, but I think being open is a better way to live.
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nakedmvistar
...Talk about the straw that broke the camels back...Don't blame the JW's for this one!
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Skeptic
confuzcious,
WHEN YOU COMMIT ADULTERY AND YOUR WIFE TAKES YOU BACK, IT IS DONE. It is done in the eyes of the worldy courts and it is done in God's eyes. You are forgiven and you start from scratch.
So before you guys get up on your high horse, YES, I committed sins, but when a wife TAKES YOU BACK - even SEVEN TIMES, then the matter is over. IT DOES NOT REMAIN a "Get Out of Jail" card forever where you can go back any time you like to get out of a marriage.
No wonder she left you, with an attitude like that. You lost your marriage because of it. Don't you think it is time you grew up?
How many times should she forgive you? 100? You believe you can screw around on her 99 times and get forgiven....then when you screw around on her for the 100th time, she should treat you like it never happened before? After all "the matter is over" so those 99 times don't count? What planet do you live on?
Now for the real world. The time to consider whether or not to commit adultery, is BEFORE you do it the FIRST time. Because even if they "forgive" you, they may not be able to, and it will eat at the marriage. If you are going to screw around on your wife, be prepared to toss the marriage out the window. Cause once you cheat, you can never undo it. And very few spouses can forgive and forget that their mate cheated. They will try to, but most can't completely get over it.
Maybe you can forgive her. That's good. Maybe she can't forgive you. And I don't blame her.
I understand that there are very, very rare circumstances that make adultery completely understandable and forgivable. But your spouse may not see it that way. And it isn't my opinion that counts, or anyone elses. It is your wife's opinion that counts. When you screwed around the first time, you had decided that your marriage was worth losing. You took a chance, and you lost.
Maybe she wasn't a saint. Few people are. And how you handle the legal end of it is your business.
But if you think you can screw around on your wife...especially twice...and think she is a creep for leaving anytime afterwards, you are fooling yourself.
People who think they can commit adultery and get forgiven and all is OK are fools. You have some nerve saying it is over and that she should never have left. It is like someone who plays Russian roulette and then complains when the gun goes off. You decided she should leave the first time you put your meat into someone else's bun. You sure as hell weren't saying that you thought she should stay.
This is the time to own up to your mistakes and start over. Your marriage is toast. The best thing is to learn, and start over anew. It sounds like you have learned from this. Build on that. Build yourself a good life, and build yourself into a man worthy of that good life. It looks like you have started on that good path.
Richard
Edited by - Skeptic on 30 January 2003 19:9:4
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borgfree
Hi confuzcious,
You really have a hard problem that cannot be solved by a few posts on this board. As you admit, you did some wrongs, we all have, and now maybe you are paying a big price for it, but, that is in the hands of the perfect Judge, I certainly will not judge you, I've done more than my share of wrongs.
My thoughts are, that you should put your efforts into forming a close relationship with our God, He can help you. Maybe in time, your family can be restored, even better than before. I don't think your troubles can compare with Job's and things did get much better for him.
As Grace said, attend a church or fellowship with fellow believers for support, and most of all trust in our God. You have a good start in that direction.
I wish I had some magic words I could offer that would make you feel better, but remember, as others have said, we are here for you.
Don't give up.
Borgfree
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Brummie
My wife is currently under Judicial Investigation (congregation) for an adultery that happened 3 months ago ... there was no sex
HUH?
potential adultery
Who decided it was "potential adultry"...the fact that it didnt happen and she removed herself from the possibility of it happening takes away any potential that it had...you have to give credit to this woman, she withstood the temptation even though she knew it was a way of getting even with you.
the World courts.
WHEN YOU COMMIT ADULTERY AND YOUR WIFE TAKES YOU BACK, IT IS DONE. It is done in the eyes of the worldy courts and it is done in God's eyes. You are forgiven and you start from scratch.
errrm, the courts cant decide if your wife has forgiven you can they? She isnt a robot, she can make up her own mind. Though this is not applicable to you I see many women who are in physically and verbally abusive relationships who go back to their husbands over and over again, even the courts know that an abused woman didnt go back because she had forgiven the abuser, but because she was scared to leave and feared living a different lifestyle. I am using that as an example, I'm not accusing you of anything. Point is the courts will buy her story and not yours. Put simply ITS NOT DONE as you imply.
I contacted my lawyer to day and the facts are my wife has ABANDONED ME. She has abandoned me, the home and the business....My friend, who's sister in law did the same thing, actually has to pay the HUSBAND support because she abandoned the kids and her home
Dont hold your breath, you will now hear off her lawyer as to why she abandoned you.
IT DOES NOT REMAIN a "Get Out of Jail" card forever
Sounds like she was serving a sentence.
I have been extemely loving and caring for my wife since then and she still cheated on me, I forgave, but she abandoned me later
At the end of the day you have turned your life around and that deserves a pat on the back. I hope you do get support or good therapy to support you through this hard time. I do sympathise with you. Sometimes learning can be a bitter pill to swollow, its a cruel fact that you never know what you've got till its gone
....dont start slandering her, she sounds like a good woman, at very least remain friends with her, who knows, she may be back in the future if you play your cards a bit better than you have done in the past.
Brummie
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ThiChi
""But for all those who came down hard on me. Here's the deal and it's the deal whether it's in Jehovah's Org or the World courts. ""
No one called you names or berated you. Sometimes the truth hurts.
"WHEN YOU COMMIT ADULTERY AND YOUR WIFE TAKES YOU BACK, IT IS DONE."
Frankly, this sounds like a loophole or rationalization on your part. To forgive does not mean to condone or that consequences will not arise. You are lucky she gave you two chances. Most would have thrown you out on your a** the first time. You were not "DONE" since you went back for seconds......
Are you a victim? Who knows. Take responsibility and move on.
Edited by - thichi on 30 January 2003 19:17:1
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ThiChi
Brummie is right on this one.......